My Peace Of Food

Green Beauty Care Shampoo Review — Giovanni Smooth as Silk

2012-02-07T07:00:00.001-06:00

This is new territory for me, dipping a toe into the world of beauty blogging, but I have to say, I remember posting on facebook last year how I wished someone would finally invent some "green" beauty products that actually work after throwing away a full bottle of useless, but safe, nail polish remover. Since then I've calmed down and have walked into this area of chemical-free beauty products with a much more serious and dedicated fervor, so I'm pleased to say that I've already had much better results with the soaps and shampoos I've tried in 2012 — starting with Giovanni's Smooth as Silk shampoo and conditioner.

Before I'd even used the stuff I was discussing it with my mom, who raved about the scent, which I hadn't even noticed, having picked it up at Target and placed it directly in my shower caddy. I have to admit, it reminds me of a really pricy shower gel I used once from a company out of London that I also remember hearing was safe for the whole family (and darn it, I have no idea what it's called now) — but this stuff is much cheaper, and as you'll find out in a later post I've also found a different (cheaper) bath soap that feels quite nice and authentic on this green beauty journey. Bottom line, this shampoo and conditioner smells much better than products I've tried from Burt's Bees, for example, so props for that.

It also gives a good lather, which I understand is tough to create without SLS. My son asked for bubbles in his bath yesterday, and having switched to an all-natural baby shampoo for him too, I knew it wouldn't create those nice fluffy bubbles he's used to — so I squirted in some of my Giovanni shampoo while the water was running, and sure enough, BUBBLES! Just enough to make him happy, and I danced a little bit inside too knowing that now I don't have to make a separate purchase for him in the future if I don't want to — the whole family can use one product.

That said, I do have one caveat — this shampoo is not perfect for me, at least compared to the conventional versions I was using immediately prior (Pantene Blonde Expressions and Neutrogena Triple Therapy Volumizing Conditioner). Before, without any products at all I could blow dry (okay, and tame a few flyaways with lip balm or natural face lotion — yeah, I've really given up all my conventional styling products) and have amazing, beach-blonde, pregnant-lady hair. (A) I know that my hair may only be this lush because of the pregnancy and (B) the Giovanni shampoo obviously won't bring out my natural highlights, but...it's not as light and fluffy and bouncy as it was with the other stuff. In fact, it can be downright flippy and dry-looking, even though this is a moisturizing line.

So I have two options: either find some green styling products (volumizer? mousse? flyaway tamer?) or try something new next time. To feed the old beauty-product addict inside of me I know I'm going to end up trying something else first, but at least the stuff isn't horrible, and it's perfectly suitable for the days I do NOT blow dry and just tie my hair back (which is pretty frequent).

Final verdict: Thumbs sideways. Love the smell, love the fact that they somehow maintained the lather without using SLS or SLES, don't love the way my hair looks when blow-dried compared to the results with conventional products. I'll live with it until it runs out, but next time I'm going to try a volumizing formula for my fine, straight hair.

Next up: The Building Blocks of Nutrition, Part Five — Minerals

The Building Blocks of Nutrition, Part Four

2012-02-06T10:36:00.000-06:00

Vitamins are essential to human nutrition, but not the kind of stinky yellow horse-pill vitamins you force yourself to swallow every third day if you remember to — I mean all the vitamins naturally found in healthy foods, like apples, bananas, squash, sweet potatoes, corn, oats and barley. Vitamins you can't get from, say, Ritz crackers, ice cream sandwiches and French fries. Your pretty little bottle of Centrum IS a good reminder that the list of vitamins you need to function goes from A to Z, but you need to rely on food to get you there, not pills. Let's see how much ground we can cover in one post.

Vitamin A is good for the eyes. If you're anything like me, your mom used to tell you to eat your carrots specifically for this reason — and she was right! Go Mom, go Mom, it's your birthday, go Mom...Okay but seriously, we've talked about carotenoids before, and as mentioned they really are found in foods that are orange, including sweet potatoes, apricots, papaya and pumpkin. Yum!
There's a whole class of B vitamins, and they're just as important to your health as your eyesight. You're probably most familiar with B6 and B12, but B1, B2 and B3 help the body produce energy, B5 promotes healthy growth and development, B7 helps the body break down the carbohydrates and proteins that you consume and B9 helps the body make and maintain DNA — pretty important, I'd say. So although you may be used to worrying only about a few of these, eating a wide variety of protein — chicken, fish, pork and lean red meat — in addition to whole grains, nuts, eggs, fruits and vegetables (citrus, peas, green leafy vegetables) is vital in maintaining optimal levels of the entire B complex. That's a lot of food!
For many years, vitamin C has been touted as a cure for the common cold (or a preventive agent), although this may or may not be true. The real value in vitamin C lies in its wound-healing abilities and its contributions to building and maintaining proteins in the skin, ligaments, tendons and blood and repairing and maintaining cartilage, bone and teeth. All quite significant, I think you'd agree! So be sure to chow down on plenty of vitamin C-rich fruits and vegetables: Cantaloupe, kiwi, mango and strawberries; broccoli, peppers, spinach and cabbage. I've said it before and I'll say it again, with all the hard work you have to do to get in all of your daily fruits and veggies and their ever-important vitamins, there's really no room in your diet for greasy fast food or sugary treats!
You may know vitamin D as the sun vitamin, and that IS correct — not many foods contain this important vitamin, yet we always hear we should stay out of the sun and/or sunblock ourselves to death before going out in it. So it's a delicate balance to strike, but especially in these dismal winter months it's necessary to monitor your intake of vitamin D so as not to develop a deficiency, which can cause inflammation and affect immune function and bone health, to name a few. Although small amounts of vitamin D can be found in mushrooms, salmon, fortified orange juice and fortified milk, 5 to 30 minutes of sun exposure just twice a week will usually get you enough D. Don't think this means you need to go on an ice walk twice a week in frigid temps; even if you just park your car in the farthest spot a couple days a week at work or the store you can surely total up to at least 10 minutes of walking (between 10am and 3pm). If you're bundled up, the sun hitting your face is good enough.
Vitamin E can be found in many foods, and it can prevent both heart attack and high blood pressure — no joke! You can find it in vegetable oil, chicken, lean red meat and eggs, so please don't bother taking a supplement here. Not much research has been conducted in terms of the proper dosing of vitamin E pills, so it's much safer to take it through food. If you avoid taking it in dangerously high doses, you'll protect yourself from stroke and prostate cancer, so don't mess around.

As you can see, there's much more behind "eating healthy" than just maintaining a stable weight and avoiding junk food — I've long been a believer in food as medicine, and we've been given so many different varieties of meats, fruits, grains and vegetables that we should be both grateful and respectful of our food choices and how they can affect everything from our immunity to our dental care. If you have a choice today between a wholesome snack and something less than virtuous, don't just think of it in terms of taste, convenience or calories — think of what vitamins and physical benefits the foods offer you, and make a choice based on your beliefs and values. If health and vitality are important to you, let that show at every meal.

Next up: Green Beauty Care Shampoo Review — Giovanni Smooth as Silk

Sodium Laureth What?

2012-02-05T07:27:00.000-06:00

Both sodium laureth sulfate and its close relative sodium lauryl sulfate are commonly used in countless kinds of shampoo, bubble bath, toothpaste, soaps and detergents — it's what makes the products foam up, what gives them their bubbles. But did you know they are also very dangerous, and highly irritating?

Sodium laureth sulfate (SLES) and sodium lauryl sulfate (SLS) can actually damage your hair follicles in the case of shampoo/baby shampoo, cause damage to the skin in the case of bubble bath or body wash and can cause permanent (yeah, you heard me, permanent) damage to the eyes in children — not to mention your everyday liver toxicity. It's another one of those great chemicals like phthalates that gets inside your system and stays in the body's tissues — only in this case, being metabolized by the liver, your body really has to expend a lot of energy to get rid of it. The EWG's Skin Deep Cosmetics Database classifies these agents as likely to be toxic or harmful. There is "strong evidence" to support this claim, including over 40 studies that you can read yourself if so inclined! If you're at home, get up, go to your bathroom and examine your toothpaste, shampoo, body wash and baby shampoo. I'll bet you any amount of money that at least one of the products you use every day has sodium laureth sulfate or sodium lauryl sulfate as one of the first few ingredients. If you're reading this on the go, stop at a drugstore or grocery store. Try to find a popular shampoo or body wash WITHOUT one of these bad boys. I seriously think you'll come up empty handed.

So if something is so toxic and harmful, why are we "allowed" to buy the stuff and scrub it on our heads, faces, bodies and, did I mention, all over the insides of our mouths? Well, think about it this way, for one: You can still buy cigarettes and foods with trans fats, both of which are linked to cancer. Consumer products companies generally loathe replacing chemicals in their precious formulas, because that costs huge amounts of time and money — and, after all, it's only our health and vitality at stake. Don't expect your favorite brands to do away with SLS any time soon, because there is no government agency that actually regulates how much a manufacturer uses or claims not to use in a given product! We might as well be talking about herbal supplements or bottled water, two other areas where the government basically sits on their collective ass rather than stepping in to protect our health and wellness (more on that later). Vote with your dollar and look for something safe — I'll provide some examples below for you to munch on. Let's not risk developing cancer because we love our Paul Mitchell shampoo so much, mmkay? Here are some practical alternatives to swap out the next time your toothpaste and detergent are running low.

Jason Powersmile toothpaste contains no sulfates or preservatives (no animal testing, either). I use the stuff every day. If you don't have a local earthy-crunchy health food store like I do that sells it, try Whole Foods, Wild Oats or Amazon. They sell everything!
Dr Bronner's Pure Liquid Castile Soap can be used in a million different ways, but I'm most excited about using it to clean dishes as even Seventh Generation's dish soap contains SLS. (That was a shocker to me. SMH, Seventh Gen.) You can get tons of different varieties of Dr Bronners on Amazon also, or at Target and health food stores too.
Natural Newborn sells chemical-free baby wash, lotion, massage oil and more. Keep in mind, however, shipping can be slow from these smaller organic companies as they're often small and family owned, so order with enough lead time in advance (not when you've already run out of your baby's old favorite).
The Skinny Bitch book I'm reading now recommends Amazon Beauty Rahua shampoo and conditioner, Sukihair Clean Balance Shampoo and Glory Locks Hair Cream aside from the Giovanni Smooth and Silk line I told you about in an earlier post. I'm looking forward to trying all of the above!
Face washes can also contain SLS as a foaming agent, so try (again, Kim's picks) Terra Firma Cosmetics Face the Day Cleanser, Suki Sensitive cleansing bar or OSEA Ocean Cleanser (which sounds the yummiest to me). I'll review all of the products for you as I try them, starting with the Giovanni haircare and Jason toothpaste I mention using above.

Don't mess around with this stuff, guys. I know it's easier to just go on using what you always use and ignoring what you may consider to be paranoia or conspiracy theory, but what have you got to lose? Are you really that attached to your bottle of Pantene? Don't keep it shallow, sister. Pass along this info to your beauty-obsessed friends, your wives who do the shopping, your moms and girlfriends and whoever you think is otherwise too lazy to care. Get them to care by showing that YOU care about THEIR health and well-being! Try one product and let me know how it goes — I promise there are alternatives out there for everything, and I'll help you find the best ones.

Next up: The Building Blocks of Nutrition, Part Four — Vitamins

The Building Blocks of Nutrition, Part Three

2012-02-03T15:10:00.000-06:00

Fats, lipids and oils are the third class of macronutrients necessary for complete nutrition. I find it funny these days that people are still afraid of "fat," when it seems like eons ago that the low-fat and fat-free craze ended — but I suppose low-fat and non-fat yogurts, for example, still fly off the shelves. In my book, nothing fat-free is healthy — unless it's naturally that way, like apples and bananas. Let's review in more detail why fats should always be a part of your diet.

Fats are primarily a source of energy for the body, and of course they also act as insulators (yes, think blubber). Fat helps maintain temperature, it cushions organs; in the form of fatty acids fats and lipids are essential to many bodily functions, although too much of a good thing, of course, can lead to diabetes, heart disease and several other significant ailments. Oddly enough, however, we're not afraid of fat because of that — we're afraid that fat will make us fat. Well, it can. But so can eating too much sugar, carbs or a mix of everything all together. So here's what you can do to make sure you're getting enough — but not too much — fat in your daily diet.

Pick unsaturated (plant-based) over saturated (meat-based) fats most of the time. I say most of the time because there are obvious health benefits to eating lean meats, but a plant-based diet has been shown to reduce your risk for disease and it's also better for the environment. Make "Meatless Monday" a weekly ritual in your house, and incorporate foods with healthy mono- and polyunsaturated fats — such as avocados and sesame seeds— into your meals as often as you can.
Do NOT consume trans fats. Period. If you see the word "hydrogenated" on something you're about to put in your shopping cart, drop it — fast — and run in the other direction. This is just another one of our man-made food messes, and hydrogenated oils, whether from soy or vegetables, are possibly carcinogenic. Thanks, Cool Whip, but I'll make my own whipped cream.
Get your omega-3s. If you don't eat fish 3 times a week or more (and who in the Midwest does?), try eating walnuts, enriched eggs or sprinkling ground flaxseed in your yogurt or cereal. Omega-3 fatty acids protect against not only heart disease and other physical health risks but also ADHD and depression — so in these gray winter months, it can be especially vital to monitor (and likely increase) your intake.
Mix your fats. I don't necessarily mean mixing salmon and tofu, but rather it's important to know that adding fat to certain foods can actually enhance the absorption of the nutrients in that food. Carotenoids, for example, found in red, yellow and orange peppers, are better absorbed into the body when combined with a healthy fat. Don't dip pepper strips in fat-free ranch dressing; roast them, dress them with olive oil and sprinkle over a little basil and feta cheese. Instant delicious side dish!
Choose wisely. Yes, this applies to every food choice you make, but especially here — ice cream and full-fat cheeses don't really count as good fats, but other yummy treats like peanut butter and roasted pumpkin seeds do. Start to examine your options not just from the point of view of calories, which many people get hung up on, but also what kind of fat goes into the production of the food. Stick margarine, vegetable shortening, French fries, candy bars...none of these items contain healthy fats, so there's no reason they should be a regular part of your diet.

It's easy to see how a little knowledge can dispel food myths and help you become healthier from the inside out. Don't fear the fat, just get to know the good and bad things about it. Here — this is your free pass to toss anything and everything "fat-free" and "low-fat" from your cupboards and cabinets. A low-fat cookie does not a healthy choice make! If you can find smart swaps for your fatty pitfalls, you're one step closer to a total health makeover.

Next up: Sodium Laureth What?

How to Part Ways With Phthalates — BPA's Partner in Crime

2012-02-01T14:12:00.000-06:00

I'm really not sure which is worse, BPA or the use of phthalates, both of which mimic hormones in the body and have been linked to numerous health problems. If you read my post on BPA you know that the nasty chemical is found in everything from baby bottles and cans of baby formula to receipt paper and food storage containers, and phthalates sadly follow suit. They have been found in baby powder, lotion and shampoo, and if tested you'd probably have traces of it in your body, as studies have shown in the past. I don't know about you, but I'm not cool with random chemicals storing themselves in my fat cells. Unfortunately in today's modern society that's practically impossible to avoid altogether, but following is a breakdown of other sources of phthalates and what you can do to avoid them.

Cosmetics. I used to blow inordinate amounts of money at Sephora, but I've been purging my makeup supplies for months now and am down to just 2 mascaras, powder, powder blush and 1 lipstick/1 lip gloss. Not even the good kind — they're probably still laced with chemicals — but it's the bare minimum until I start replacing each item. Check out this site for safe foundation and Ecco Bella for phthalate-free lipstick. I'll continue to provide you with sources for safe cosmetics as I buy and try!
Shampoo and conditioner. I love envisioning scrubbing chemicals on the outside of my brain just about as much as I do smearing them on my face. Check out the Giovanni Smooth as Silk line of "eco chic" organic haircare products on Amazon or at Target; they're safe to use and smell phenomenal. Stop disrupting your endocrine system with the phthalates found in conventional shampoos and conditioners and embrace healthier alternatives for all of the products you currently use.
Anything that has a "fragrance." This could include everything from your laundry detergent to the perfume you blissfully spritz on your wrists each day. There ARE organic perfumes out there that I'm also looking to sample, but when it comes to household products that you're also overly fond of, use up what you have and then buy something unscented from Seventh Generation. That goes for your dish soap, your baby shampoo, your hand soap, your body wash...now, I know Seventh Gen doesn't make all of those products, but start researching EVERYTHING before you buy. If it says "fragrance" on the ingredient list, leave it on the shelf. It's fun to try new products, so use this as an excuse to break out of a beauty rut and try a new scent or soap — the state of your health will thank you in the end.
Plastic food storage containers. Get rid of anything with the number 3, 6 or 7 in that cute little triangle on the bottom of whatever you're looking at (think reusable plastic bottles, lunch meat containers and anything you buy that comes in a tub). To put it lightly, phthalates are "slightly to moderately toxic," which is just a smidgeon too toxic for me, thank you very much. NEVER heat up even the "safe" plastics in the microwave (put it on a plate, for crying out loud!), and seek out glass containers for storing your leftovers in the fridge. BPA and phthalates love plastic just as much as you love your leftover Chinese food, so do yourself a favor and store more safely.
Children's toys. This is a tough one, because while usually hand-me-downs are great, if they're scratched or damaged plastics they're probably not the best thing to be hanging out in your 2-year-old's mouth. Choose green options as often as possible when buying new gifts or treats (good for the environment seriously means good for you, too, in this case!), and keep a watchful eye over any favorite plastic toys you already own for signs of wear and tear. The minute your child outgrows his love of that little yellow car, get rid of it.

I definitely feel like this is another topic I could go on and on about for hours (we didn't even get to nail polish, deodorant, aftershave or any of the other countless products that contain phthalates if you're not careful about what you buy), so as I said above I'll keep you posted as I discover healthy, effective alternatives. I've been frustrated in the past with the quality of some green beauty products I tried, but I'm devoted to me and my family's health and I will switch to better choices every chance I get. If you need any more product sources or tips for what to look for when buying, just ask!

Next up: The Building Blocks of Nutrition, Part Three — Healthy Fats and Oils

The Building Blocks of Nutrition, Part Two

2012-01-30T14:52:00.000-06:00

Carbohydrates are arguably the most important solid food group in that they make up our main source of energy and, depending on who you listen to, should constitute 50 to 60 percent of your diet. Now, that doesn't mean 50 to 60 percent of what you eat should be bread; as I'll explain below, carbohydrates include both sugars AND starches...and, not to confuse you again, but sugars don't mean cakes and candies. I mean the natural sugars found in fruits and even some vegetables. Let me explain all of that in a bit more detail, because I already feel like I've lost some of you!

Starches are exactly what you think they are — bread, potatoes, pasta and rice are probably some of your favorites. What's important to keep in mind here, however, is that not all starches are created equal — whole-wheat bread knocks the socks off of its refined white-flour counterpart, as you should have learned yesterday; a sweet potato is better than a regular potato because of the extra iron and anti-oxidants packed in the beautiful orange-colored flesh. Pierce it and microwave it for 15 minutes, or bake in the oven for 45 minutes to an hour and top with butter for a healthy real-food treat. (Babies love a good mashed sweet potato, too!) Choose whole-wheat versions of your favorite kinds of pasta, also, and pick brown rice rather than white, which is essentially a plate of empty calories. You might as well drink a can of soda.
Sugars, again, as a building block of nutrition can sound deceiving — but if you're not kidding yourself you know that Snickers bars and scones are not exactly a food group. If you're really counting your carbs, know the following: Carbs, in the form of sugars, can be found in everything from grapes to milk and beer. If you're smart, you'll get your natural sugars from a variety of sources every day, and as the seasons change — use 2% milk for your latte in the winter and your iced coffee in the summer, and vary your intake of fruits and vegetables according to the calendar. With all of the sugars found naturally in foods like pineapple and carrots, there's absolutely no need for you to travel outside the realm of healthy nibbles to get refined sugar from artificial additives and processed foods.

Your recommended intake of carbohydrates and all foods, really, depends on a variety of factors, such as age, weight and if you're pregnant or breast feeding, so visit ChooseMyPlate.gov for a personalized breakdown, including printable reminders and tips about how to eat well on a budget. I think our food "pyramid" is still light years behind what they use in Mediterranean countries, for example, but if you're just beginning your health journey it's a good place to start. The main point is to fulfill your nutritional needs naturally, because it's in the adding on of all the extras we've become so accustomed to — cookies, chips, French fries — that you also add on fat, pounds and the risk of developing various types of diseases. Understanding that you can get your carbohydrates from plenty of other sources besides the bread basket is just one way you can break out of an eating rut today!

Next up: How to Part Ways With Phthalates — BPA's Partner in Crime

One Change You Can Make Today — Switch to Whole Grains

2012-01-29T11:51:00.000-06:00

Just hearing "whole grain" makes me think of those cheesy Cheerios commercials where women are always the target of the "I lost weight by switching to whole grains" marketing ploy. Yes, switching from white bread to whole wheat could help you lose weight, but that shouldn't be your motivation. You'd be surprised to hear how bad white bread/flour/cakes/cookies are for you...so, of course, I'm going to tell you!

Junk foods, like soda made with sugar and, in this case, scones, brownies, white bread and crackers made from white flour contribute to the rise in diabetes in our country, for one thing. And sure, you can be genetically predisposed to the condition, but these genes only get turned on when you eat the white stuff. If you're at risk for diabetes, that should be enough right there to make the switch. But I'll keep going.

There's a reason for the saying "The whiter the bread, the quicker you're dead!" — and if you haven't heard it said before, now you know that white flour can also raise your level of "bad" LDL cholesterol, in turn increasing your risk for blood clots and high blood pressure. So again — anyone who has high blood pressure should be tossing the Wonder Bread in the trash right about now. Feed it to the squirrels or ducks or drop any unopened packages off at a food pantry so at least you don't have guilt about "wasting food because there are starving children in Africa." There are starving children everywhere, I might add.

If you're still in doubt because you don't think you're at risk for diabetes OR high blood pressure, I strongly urge you to pick up a copy of Gary Taubes' book Good Calories, Bad Calories. In it you'll find that refined (white) flour can also contribute to higher rates of cancer, heart disease, Alzheimers and a lengthy list of other ailments both minor and major.

Can I spell it out for you any further? Let me also challenge all of your excuses. My kids don't like whole-wheat bread. Cry me a river. Trust me, they won't starve if you make the switch. THEY WILL GET USED TO IT. They may even start to like it. Is it the husband or wife who's stubborn on the issue? Make them read this and give them a swift kick in the pants. Tell them you want them to be around to see your grandchildren get married, not just your children. Think it's too expensive? Believe me, if you're leaving the refined-flour crackers, cookies and coffee cake in the grocery store you'll have much more room and funds for the whole-wheat bread instead. And don't even try to make the excuse that whole-wheat products are hard to find, because that's just not true any more. Just don't be fooled by something that says "wheat" or "made with" whole grains — it has to be labeled 100% whole grain, and turn the product over to check the label, too. Lisa Leake at 100 Days of Real Food has a great article on this if you're still hungry for more information.

I admit, my excuse I sometimes don't even realize until in hindsight — that a recipe calls for "four thick slices of country bread," and something like that IS hard for me to find in a whole-wheat version. So in my case now I've learned to read the whole recipe. What is the bread being used for, bread crumbs? Whole-wheat bread crumbs DO exist, honey, and I'll even go so far as to say that Whole Foods carries a kind that is super crunchy and delicious and would make a great crispy topping or binding agent in any meal. So even when you're doing a good thing by cooking at home, NOW you need to take that extra step also and convert the recipe to whole grains. We'll move on to sugar and saturated/trans fats in future posts, but for now keep taking this one step at a time. Let me know how you've learned to swap out white flour in recipes or what great whole-grain products or purveyors you've fallen in love with. It feels good to make the switch — eliminating white flour can also reduce bloat and, as insinuated above, assist in weight loss. So if you can't JUST do it for your health, do it for vanity. I don't care what your motivation is to start, because you'll reap the rewards either way in the end.

Next up: The Building Blocks of Nutrition, Part Two — Carbohydrates

The Building Blocks of Nutrition, Part One

2012-01-28T12:51:00.000-06:00

If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Drink More Water. But do you really know why? It's important to stay hydrated, but why? And how do you know if you're hydrated enough or not?

Individual water needs vary from person to person, but the bottom line is that we all need it because water is the medium in which all other nutrients are found. What that means is that water is responsible for transporting nutrients and oxygen into the cells in your body, protecting vital organs and helping to absorb and metabolize those nutrients efficiently. In addition, water regulates body temperature, detoxifies and protects/cushions your joints. Every cell in your body needs water to function optimally, and yet we all find it so difficult to get our daily intake anywhere near the standard recommended 8 eight-ounce glasses a day...right? I know I do, and it's even more important for pregnant women. I tend to get super thirsty at night these days, which I don't think is just a reflection of the dry winter air — I think it means I'm not hydrating enough during the day. In fact, I'm sure of it. So let's go over some tips that I myself need to put into practice in order to get an adequate amount of the clear stuff in my system each day:

Make it pretty. I still remember seeing a picture in an issue of Martha Stewart Living that went along with some caption about how she keeps pitchers of water wherever she goes — at her desk, in her kitchen, backstage, et cetera — and they were these tall, beautiful, clear glass vessels that made me want to be her. I've yet to pick myself up something similar, but there is something more appetizing to me about drinking out of glass rather than plastic. Serve your glass of water in a goblet at home, or get a SIGG water bottle with a cool new design that you want to show off. If it's more appealing visually, you may find it more fun to drink in terms of satisfaction.
Make it tasty. Think beyond lemons, people. Infuse your water with cucumber slices, mint, muddled berries, limes or whatever floats your boat. Try new combinations, and I recommend keeping it cold — it's a lot more refreshing and thirst-quenching that way, and you can even try adding your flavors to water and freezing pretty little ice cubes. Good for entertaining, too!
Get your water from food. Summer fruits like melons are great hydrators, but in the winter you'd probably be better off opting for broth-based soups, potatoes and squash. As long as they are prepared healthfully, there's no shame in adding more fruits and veggies to your diet! If you struggle to drink it all up, serve it up on a plate instead.
Guzzle before eating. If you can get into the habit of making yourself drink water before you sit down for each meal and snack, I bet you'll even start to eat less. Thirst can easily be mistaken for hunger by the body, because you just feel "empty" — but running on fumes may just mean you need a drink, not a power bar. Wherever you are, quickly grab a cup of water, stop at a drinking fountain or sip some of your coffee or tea before you dig in. It will become second nature, and the benefits are twofold as you both hydrate and cool the jets on your appetite.
Try and try again. Try downing a glass of water every hour on the hour. Try a new water filter to see if it improves the taste (and quality!) of your home supply. Try hot water with lemon first thing in the morning. The point is to keep at it and to not give up on Day 2 if you didn't manage to drink your 64 ounces the day before — experiment with different ways to get all your liquids in, and know thyself: If you guzzle at the gym, try to go more often! If you're super thirsty in the morning, double what you're drinking now. Fit it into YOUR personal lifestyle and habits, and share any tips you have with the rest of us!

Water can give your skin a supple, youthful glow; it can treat dry mouth and its associated symptoms; it can even cure headaches and constipation (sorry, but I had to go there — it's true). Don't let this be just another post that tells you to drink more water; actually try it this time! Get up from your desk, take a little break and make yourself a cup of tea. Associate your new habits with a better, more healthy you, a new way you're taking care of yourself more than ever before...your body will thank you in so many ways, which will do wonders to reinforce the task at hand.

Next up: One Change You Can Make Today — Switch to Whole Grains

Building Another Healthy Habit: Eliminating BPA

2012-01-27T13:00:00.003-06:00

Great, this makes my day, another report on federal regulators failing to act on a potentially (potentially? try proven) toxic chemical: Bisphenol-A, or BPA. BPA, for those of you who continue to live under that nice comfy little rock of yours, is a nasty, hazardous chemical found in many different types of plastics — from baby bottles (could there be anything worse?) to water bottles (even some of the reusable kinds) to cans of food and receipts at the grocery store. Yep, it's everywhere.

What's so bad about this is that BPA imitates estrogen in the body, confusing the heck out of your standard endocrine and/or reproductive system, which is linked quite clearly to higher rates of breast cancer. But this is not just a concern for women; BPA can also damage your kid's brain, yielding latent neurologic effects on men, women and children. The stuff stinks, frankly, and as a now-educated and responsible adult, you should be doing everything possible to avoid BPA. How? Let me count the ways:

Avoid plastic. Yeah, sounds pretty drastic, I know. Food-storage containers, bottled water, children's toys, cups you drink out of — it's all plastic, and it's NOT all safe. Get rid of your plastic drinking glasses like I did, replace food-storage containers with glass when you can, and seek out greener, more natural types of entertainment for your little one to suck on. The idea is to do what you can, when you can. I know not many of you will be ripping the plastic joystick out of your son's hand as he practices his tennis swing on the X-Box, but there are about a zillion ways you can start weaning yourself from plastic in your daily life so keep your eyes peeled for a more detailed post on this in the future. It's simply too much to address in one sitting.
Buy frozen, not canned. Because just saying "don't buy canned food" would have come off too harsh, right? If you try to save on fruits and vegetables when out of season by buying the canned kind, skip it. Eat what IS in season or buy it frozen (preferably organic in the case of berries, for example). BPA can leach into your food while it's sitting in the can (it's even found in some canning lids if you do it yourself!), and whether or not YOU use it the very day you buy it, you have no idea how long it's already been on the shelf, potentially contaminating the food you and your family are about to eat. Just. Skip it. Look for alternatives whenever possible, like boxed stock and soups or homemade fruit salad rather than fruit cocktail — which is almost always sold in plastic or cans. Even baby formula is said to be unsafe when it comes in a can...unbelievable.
Wash your hands after handling receipts. During cold and flu season it should become a habit to wash your hands after coming home from practically anywhere (skip the hand sanitizer, dummy, and if you didn't read yesterday's post, do so now!), but wash up especially enthusiastically after shopping whenever you keep the receipt. Shove it in your wallet and get it off your skin as quickly as possible.
Take action. The government is clearly taking their sweet time banning this harsh chemical in the USA, so click here to be directed to a petition that you can sign asking Congress to get rid of it. Seriously. It takes 30 seconds, people. Just fill out your basic info and click "sign now." Easy!
Read labels, but cautiously. BPA-free has almost become a buzz word these days, like "green" or "eco-friendly." Just because something is BPA-free doesn't mean it's safe; you don't necessarily know what the company replaced the BPA with during the manufacturing process and if it's any better for you than what they removed in the first place. Be a conscious shopper and support companies you trust; it becomes second nature to walk through stores as if you had blinders on when you know you don't need another plastic sippy cup for Bobby or a quick bottle of Coke to go.

This is an ongoing issue, so be vigilant. In fact, be suspicious. You can never be too careful, but take baby steps and it won't seem so overwhelming. Replace plastics with glass when they become damaged or dinged. Cut out the canned soda and bottled water and get yourself a cute aluminum to-go bottle. Make your own lunch instead of heating up a TV dinner. Get the picture? Good. I don't like explaining myself twice.

Next up: The Building Blocks of Nutrition, Part One

You Think That's a Healthy Habit? Debunking a Cold- and Flu-Season Myth

2012-01-26T08:23:00.000-06:00

Thanks to Activia, we all know the difference between "good" bacteria AND "bad" bacteria...right? Great. So we're all together here on page 1. Now let me see if I can't knock your socks off with some more basic but mind-bending facts (at least to me) that may just make you angry, confused and determined to make a big change during this winter's cold and flu season.

Continuing my way through the latest Skinny Bitch book I mentioned earlier, I came across the section on a "sick rumor" about bacteria, regarding the use of antibacterial gels. You know, the stuff you squirt on your hands because it's faster than washing them (otherwise known as hand sanitizer)? Maybe you have a bottle on your desk, or you work somewhere that has those little bottles hanging from the walls everywhere that shoot out a foul-smelling foam? Now let's keep the plain English going. This is "anti" "bacterial" gel. Right? Right. You're still with me. I can feel it.

But you know that when you catch a cold or the flu, you're catching a virus...right?

Ding ding ding! You must be as befuddled as I was when I first saw the light.

I'd heard about the potential dangers of antibacterial gels in the sense that they could contribute to the formation and spread of "superbugs," but in all honesty, that always seemed so far-removed and "that won't happen to me." I mean, I'm taking it a bit more seriously now, but what really gets me here is how duped I feel by a $45 billion industry that's actually making us sicker, not keeping us healthy like they're trying to make us think!

So my message today is short and sweet: Freecycle that hand sanitizer, baby, or at least stop using it so psychotically because you think the snot running down your niece's nose won't "get you" that way. It's a virus, sweet pea. Save the hand sanitizer for the diaper bag, wash your hands more often (with soap!) and stop contributing to what could end up being a major health crisis during our time. Stay healthy with all my latest tips and tricks and you won't wind up in the hospital — where MRSA first cropped up, due to a built-up resistance to what? Antibacterial cleansing wipes. Doesn't get much more convoluted than that, now, does it?

Next up: Building Another Healthy Habit: Eliminating BPA

Breaking Another Fast — Improving Your Spiritual Health

2012-01-25T16:45:00.000-06:00

I think maybe because she has such a cult following I've actually been compelled to rebel and NOT get on the Oprah bandwagon, but my free Oprah's Lifeclass journal arrived in the mail the other day (long after the series ended, and I don't even have the OWN channel in the first place) — just another one of those random free things I sign up for when I remember to — and it inspired me to locate the webcasts on her site and start watching them. Well, surprise! I'm loving every minute of it, and I take each class very seriously.

Not exactly where you might expect a post on spirituality to start, but it reinforces the point I'm intending to make: that, at least to me, spirituality and religion are two different things, and it's up to you to mix and match what you believe in, how you want to spend your time, what you need in your life at any given moment and how both (or one or the other) can nurture you and help you grow during the hard times and the easy ones.

It's difficult sometimes among the many roles we all play, whether you're a father, mother, employee or employer, to always feel authentic, always feel like you're living your truth, your best life and sticking by what you believe in. Heck, sometimes it's hard to even KNOW what you believe in. Which is why I have these tips to wake you from your spiritual (or religious) slumber, at a time when I'm sure we can all use them:

Think outside of the box. For years and years I had guilt about not attending church as often as I felt I "should" — until a very wise woman told me, Don't go to church because you think you should, or because so-and-so goes, or because you were brought up a certain way; go to church when you WANT to. When you want to connect, talk with God, have a conversation with Him. And you know what? No one had ever said that to me before. Suddenly church is not a chore, and I go when I want to go. The rest of the time I may spend in prayer alone, and I feel okay with that — but that's my truth, so it may not fit you. The idea here is to realize that not doing "the norm," or going against the grain, just might fit you. Once you find comfort, you'll know it's right.
Do some research. The internet is a great place for learning about all kinds of things, but in this instance I would recommend picking up an actual book. Read about Buddhism, spirituality, Catholicism, whatever it is that has always interested you or frightens you or seems way too "out there" for you, and explore it. You've got nothing to lose, and opening your mind to new expressions of religion and spirituality can strengthen the beliefs you already have or bring you new ideas and inspiration if you're starting from scratch. We all need to feel that sort of connectedness to some greater purpose or being, no matter how much you may wish that weren't true.
Feel the fear. Even just talking about this on the blog feels strange to me, but one of the things I learned from Martha Beck on her webcast this week was that if you feel uneasy about doing or saying something, it may be because you're actually telling yourself some sort of lie about your beliefs and how they relate to that action — in this case, that it's "wrong" or "stupid/silly" to write about this topic on a so-called food or diet blog. Wrong? Stupid? I challenged that belief, and I decided to do it anyways, because it wasn't something I was truly dreading inside; it's more of an invigorating sort of fear, which I know I should push through because, honestly, the judgment or the reaction doesn't matter. In the same way, finding your comfort in spirituality or religion should be just that — yours — and although it may be tough at times, you shouldn't let other peoples' comments change your mind. What do you feel when you're engaging in the spiritual or religious activity of your choice? If it's comfort, but you feel uncomfortable talking about it to a friend or a relative, it may just be that you're telling yourself that person will reject you because of your beliefs, so you must be wrong. That's the lie. No one can say what's right or wrong in this instance about your relationship with God or The One or The Universe or whatever you choose to believe in. Feel the fear, or the discomfort, or the judgment, and challenge it until you discover the comfort and the truth.
Enlist a friend. If there IS someone who shares your curiosity, invite him or her to an event with you, whether it's a church service or a yoga class. There are a million options out there, and sometimes going through an experience like that (especially if it's your first time) can create deeper relationships. Plus, you'll always have someone to bounce your subsequent thoughts and reactions off of. That way, in discussing it with each other, you can also establish whether the activity is good for the both of you or if you need to part ways and strike out on your own. The moral support and familiarity to start, however, may bolster your confidence to get out there and explore.
Take it slow. It can be tempting when embarking on any new routine (think exercise) to go all out from the start, and I wouldn't consider this area to be any different — but asking yourself too many questions and challenging too many beliefs too soon can be more stressful than it is eye-opening. My natural tendency is to plow through everything just to get it done, check it off my to-do list, but that's the exact opposite approach to take here. It's a constant journey with peaks and valleys as you find forms of spiritual expression that do and don't agree with you. If any of you have a vision board going, I would even suggest considering transforming it into a "journey" board instead — this is something I just decided to do myself.

It really is a journey, and that's not something you can take with you when you go — so do your best to feel your way through it without attaching yourself to any end result or outcome, like proving that you don't have to go to church every Sunday or confirming your belief that meditation is a crock. Separate yourself from your ego as you explore each next step, and your enjoyment will be much more deep, profound and enlightening. Doesn't that sound fabulous?

Next up: You Think That's a Healthy Habit? Debunking a Cold- and Flu-Season Myth

Clean Up Your (First) Act — Breakfast!

2012-01-24T08:14:00.000-06:00

Because I'm really enjoying this one-step-at-a-time philosophy I've been allowing myself to bask in lately (instead of my usual "everything, now, fast"-type approach), instead of forcing myself to cut out things like sugar, my half-cup of coffee, a small dessert once or twice a day and junky crackers as an occasional snack (really, that about sums up my devilish daily diet fails, which isn't that bad, right?) all at the same time, I'm slowly trying to improve upon one meal at a time, once choice at a time, swapping in one healthy alternative for something less virtuous each day. So why not start with the most important meal of the day (arguably only because it's the first one, in my opinion), breakfast?

To me, breakfast comes in two categories: Sweet or savory. Being the sweets person that I am AND being with child, it's pretty hard for me to not just want cookies and a fake mocha every morning. So although that does happen from time to time, usually what I actually have is a piece of 5-ingredient honey whole wheat toast and a half a cuppa. I'm sure to use 5-ingredient (or less) jam sweetened only with fruit juice and/or almond butter or regular butter, but clearly my breakfast is still lacking — um, fruit, anyone? I don't like to cook so early in the morning (baby sleeping, hungry dog wandering the house, not to mention my strange pregnancy appetite issues), so eggs are pretty much out of the question for me right now, unless I get creative. Here are some ways YOU can get creative (and HEALTHY!) with your breakfasts, quickly and easily.

If you are a waffle or pancake kind of person, try this whole-wheat recipe that you can make a big batch of and freeze/heat up during the week. Be sure to use only real maple syrup, and top them with fruit — strawberries, blueberries and/or bananas are some of my favorites to combine with waffles — and a pat of real butter if necessary.
If you're not a breakfast eater at all, definitely try starting with something simple, like me — a piece of toast, preferably with some sort of protein like cheese or a nut butter, and an easy fruit if you need to take it to go — a washed apple or a banana. Once you get used to eating something in the morning, you may find you can work your way up to bigger and better things, like eggs, yogurt or the waffles mentioned above.
Savory breakfast eaters, hopefully you're already on the right path — a couple eggs, egg whites or even some sort of breakfast sandwich would be great, but make it yourself. Don't fall prey to the boxed "light" breakfast sandwiches with tons of ingredients, half of which you can't even pronounce. I'm the first to admit I was pretty addicted to one of the frozen kinds at the beginning of my pregnancy, but I've opted out of the processed-food group and I feel much better about it. Even if a 5-ingredient English muffin doesn't exist, you can still pile some scrambled eggs and Parmesan cheese on whole-wheat toast — cut the bread with a biscuit cutter if you really need that fast-food feel!
If you usually just walk out the door with a cup of coffee, I'm assuming it's not decaf — and if it is, switch to regular. Please. Most decaf coffee has the caffeine removed using methylene chloride, which is also used in paint stripping and polyurethane foam manufacturing. Workers exposed to this chemical are at a greater risk for developing cancer. Great. Add some milk for protein, and if you're up for it try the mocha drink I mentioned above and see if you're not totally shocked you're drinking coffee without refined sugar, which I was when I first tried it. Next to this concoction I think tea with honey is probably your best bet if you need something hot to wake you up in the morning (avoid decaf here also), or just try hot water with lemon — it is said to have amazing cleansing properties if taken first thing in the morning.
If you're a cereal person, try switching to oatmeal — old-fashioned rolled oats or steel cut, not the pre-packaged kind with fruity flavors. It's really a blank canvas for any (healthy) flavors you want to add to it, like non-dairy milks, maple syrup, chopped fresh fruit, dried fruit, nuts or all of the above — if you add enough fun stuff in there I'm telling you it will keep you full for hours. I once ordered oatmeal at a restaurant with all of their offerings "minus the walnuts" because of my allergies, and although I got a strange look from the cashier it was SUPER delicious and I'd order it a million times over if we frequented the place more often. Whole grains are your best bet, and oatmeal is much better than sugar-laden, processed, boxed cereals.

So tomorrow morning I am going to incorporate fruit into my morning routine. Cutting it out of even just one meal or snack ensures you're NOT going to get enough throughout your day, so it's important to include some sort of fruit or vegetable (if you're a savory breakfast eater) as often as you can. A diet rich in fruits and vegetables can lower blood pressure, reduce your risk for cardiovascular disease, stroke and cancer AND keep tabs on your appetite and hunger levels...all significant ways you can try to outweigh some of the negative effects modern life has on our bodies, like stress, chemicals and not enough sleep. Start out with something you know you like, be it turnips, apples or pear juice, and work your way out, trying new things and experimenting with new preparations. You've got nothing to lose and better health to gain.

Next up: Breaking Another Fast — Improving Your Spiritual Health

Spend on Milk, Save on...Bleach?

2012-01-22T15:00:00.000-06:00

Ah, new-car smell.

How nice! New-carpet smell.

Sigh...not often that I get to relish in this amazing clean-house smell.

Okay, you got me. I kid, I kid; if you know me at all you know where this post is headed. Why do all these fancy smells always give me a headache, make my husband sneeze and generally just cause an uneasy feeling in our house? Because chemicals are everywhere these days, from our cars to our carpets to the products we use to "clean" our floors, tubs, kitchen sinks and more. Well, since I — ahem — urged you to spend a little more on your good old milk cartons in my most recent post, in this post not only will I convince you to switch from conventional cleaning products to more natural versions, but I'll also show you how you can save a buck or two while you're at it.

Since there are so many different types and categories of cleaning products out there, from furniture polish to glass cleaner to what you use to "wash" your dishwasher, I figured I'd take this one step at a time and start with what was most difficult for me to part with as I started getting rid of all my conventional cleaning products during the holidays this year — bleach.

I don't know about you, but I'm not the best at scrubbing my tub. (Okay, I'm not that great at sparkling the sink, either, or washing the floors, or organizing closets — why am I telling you this again?) And although I have no idea how it compares in germs to, say, my keyboard, the space under my bed where the carpet meets the wall or the bottom of my son's shoe, which tends to end up in his mouth, it often looks pretty icky. A dark spot here, some pink streaks there and once again I realize it's been WAY too long since I got down in there with the Clorox bottle. I had a bad case of Gunk Guilt, and it sprung up like a weed at every bath time until I finally remembered to spray the whole mess down before leaving the house for a few hours on the weekends — that is, until I started reading Kim Barnouin's "No-Nonsense Guide to Cutting the Crap Out of Your Life." Not because I don't have to worry about how clean (or not) my home is, but because I really shouldn't be bleaching the heck out of anything anyways.

Why, you ask?

In simple terms, bleach (otherwise known as chlorine bleach, hypochlorite, sodium hypochlorite or hydrochloric acid) is to blame for most household poisonings in the United States. It can cause throat irritation, respiratory issues, inflammation of the mucous membranes, itchy/watery eyes, even damage to your tooth enamel if you use the stuff enough. Now, I know what you're thinking — what do I have to worry about if I never remember to use it in the first place? Well, personally I don't care to take my chances, and if YOU are even the tiniest bit better about spiffing up your own place, you probably have a few tubs of Clorox wipes under the sink, bleach next to your washing machine, a chlorine spray cleaner or scrub for the tub and/or bathroom tile work and maybe even a handy-dandy little bleach pen for when you just so happen to spill a little ketchup on your plain white tee.

That's a lotta bleach.

I'm sure now thinking back you can remember a headache or two after cleaning the bathroom, so let's be honest here — what have you got to lose, if I'm also promising you that switching to natural-based cleaners will be even cheaper to boot, not to mention better for you? Let's look at the following options:

Distilled white vinegar (sold in huge [CHEAP!] jugs in Target, I recently discovered) can not only get grass stains out of carpet (who knew?), it can also fend off mold and mildew in the shower if you mix it with water or, for the dirtiest of jobs, just spray it right on whatever surface you're concerned about. Don't have any clean spray bottles lying around? Join your local freecycle group — you'd be surprised what people are willing to part with if you just ask. (The site is meant for giving away what you don't want, but at least in my area you can also ask around to see if anyone has a spare queen bed frame, for example, or a hand-held neck massager. Don't ask why I know this.) A gallon (128 fluid ounces) will cost you between $2 and $3, whereas only 32 ounces of Clorox Clean-Up at Walmart will cost about the same.
Grapefruit seed extract, sold on Amazon or at health-food stores, also attacks the mold and mildew that normally collects around the bottom of your tub or in the tiny cracks between tiles. If you buy the kind without additives like parabens and propylene glycol, grapefruit seed extract is all-natural, nontoxic and completely odor-free. (I will take a moment to mention that if you LIKE adding some sort of scent to your ambience to remind yourself and others just how much you deserve the Mrs. Clean award, just add a few drops of essential oil to your bottle and, voila, pretty smell. Healthy smell!) This may be more of an "investment" up front — say, about $14 — but you're only using between 5 and 60 drops, depending on what you're using it for (never full strength; always mix with water) so it lasts forever.
Tea tree oil has a special place in my heart because the smell of it reminds me of some amazing Body Shop shampoo I used while on vacation in Denver years ago...haven't shopped there in a while, but come to find out the essential oil also kills mold and mildew. It's a little more expensive than something like vinegar, which you may already have in your kitchen, but you get more bang for your buck in this instance because tea tree oil is also a natural antiseptic with germicidal, antifungal and immune-boosting properties. (Did I mention it smells good?) A small bottle will cost between $5 and $15, but again, you're only using a small amount — for example, 2 teaspoons to make a whole bottle of cleaner. A little bit goes a long way.
Hydrogen peroxide sounds scary, but it's actually much safer to use than bleach or ammonia. You may recognize it as something the evil stepsister put in her pretty counterpart's shampoo bottle in a young-adult horror story (or is that just me?), but hydrogen peroxide can also eliminate soap scum and shower mold or brighten your whites in the washing machine. It's really a pretty equivalent swap for chlorine bleach, and it's another cheap drugstore item you can feel good about buying. A 16-ounce bottle is only $1.50.

Now don't go swishing all your bleach down the drain, sweetheart. If you're not pregnant, go ahead and use up what you've got but swear it off in the future. Or, better yet, give it to someone who doesn't care about headaches, itchy eyes and a scratchy throat (they'll probably just think the bleach didn't work and they're getting a cold anyways). There's no sense in being wasteful if there IS someone out there who'll use it, and although you're preaching to the choir if you're thinking that's being a bit irresponsible, some people never listen. Don't be one of those guys. Try some of these alternatives as opposed to your trusty bottle of Soft Scrub or Clorox bleach, show off to your significant other how handy and domestic you can be, and maybe even have some fun at the health-food store picking out yummy-smelling oils or discovering other new products. Clean, green, happy, healthy. Win-win!

Next up: Clean Up Your (First) Act — Breakfast!

"Baby" Step Number 1 — Changing the Milk that You Drink

2012-01-20T13:00:00.005-06:00

"It's my opinion that if a pregnant woman is going to make one organic choice, that choice should be milk products."

— Barbara Kingsolver, author, organophile and mom

**********************************************************************************

Non-pregnant women and men, don't think that counts you out from reading the rest of this post.

In the wake of the ongoing organic milk shortage, I thought it would be appropriate to address why, now more than ever, it's important to maintain this staple as the one organic item you adhere to if that's as far as you're willing to go. Just in case you've been living under a rock, buying USDA-certified organic milk means that you're buying a product that is free of synthetic growth hormones, pesticides and antibiotics. This is explained on the USDA website, in books written by authors I trust and is oftentimes even clearly spelled out right on the front of the milk jug or carton you pick up at your local supermarket. So what, you might ask, is the big deal with growth hormones, pesticides and antibiotics? Man. Got a few hours?

I'll try to give you the long and short of it without rewriting the entire transcript of the movie Food Inc (which, by the way, if you haven't seen, you most definitely ARE living under a rock, in which case I wouldn't expect you to have a television, DVD player or the internet, all places where you can watch this shocking documentary that would probably be burned into your brain immediately after watching otherwise. Lucky you). Let's just try to break it down one by one, shall we?

Synthetic growth hormones

Although it may not need much explanation if you're able to read this blog and thus understand and comprehend the ins and outs of the English language, a synthetic growth hormone is exactly what it sounds like: A synthetic (not natural; made-made) hormone, or a chemical in the body that sends out signals to other cells and chemicals in your body, affecting endocrine functions and, in this case, milk production in cows. Putting two and two together, you should be grasping the fact that factory farmers use rGBH, the cow growth hormone, in simple terms to make the cows produce more milk. Faster. Bigger. Better. More. Sounds great, right? Well, turns out it may not be so great for your health, because milk from rGBH-treated cows contains higher levels of insulin growth factor-1, an important protein in the bodies of both children and adults. Higher levels of this protein have been linked to breast cancer and colon cancer. Need I say more? I can, if you want. Really. I could go on for hours.

Pesticides

While this is a huge group of substances intended to prevent, destroy or repel pests of many kinds, from that trusty old can of Raid under your sink (ew, cockroaches) to what factory farmers use to spray their once-delicious peaches and strawberries, in the case of milk, you might be thinking Wait — isn't part of this whole problem the fact that cows are fed corn and grain instead of grazing on grass? (If you know anything about anything, of course.) Well, you're right. According to a report from The Organic Center, an organization dedicated to the conversion of agriculture to organic methods based on science, health and environmental benefits, DPA, a high-volume industrial chemical found in 98% of conventional milk samples, is most likely taken up through drugs administered to the animals (see below), rubber and/or plastic products used in factory farms or ingredients used in milk cartons and other types of conventional packaging. However it gets in there I don't really care — it's in there, among other pesticides, and in their totality the pesticides found in milk can contain more carcinogens, developmental or reproductive toxins, more suspected hormone disruptors and neurotoxins. Now I'm no scientist, but none of that sounds delicious and wholesome to me.

Antibiotics

Without sounding completely condescending and mean, no, honey, not all antibiotics are good things. And in your milk? Ha. Think about it this way: Do you take amoxicillin or penicillin every time you get a runny nose? Do you go to the doctor for every single cold and virus you get, and is your MD actually willing to prescribe you something at each visit (other than pushing chicken soup and fluids)? Then why would you want to drink drugs every time you throw back a glass of milk with your cookie, pour it on your cereal or, hello, drink your daily grande latte? I'll tell you why, and in part it's the same reason why your doc is so hesitant to pump you full of pills each time: for one, antibiotics in milk could cause bacteria resistant to the same antibiotics she prescribes when you do actually need something for an infection. In addition, exposure to unnecessary antibiotics could cause the development of new allergies, or reactions in people who already suffer from allergies (like me). Does anything about this sound appealing?

I know what some of you are thinking — organic milk is more expensive; I can't afford it; I can't even find it on store shelves any more; why bother. Well, if you're not convinced after reading my little speech, fine. Google "organic milk versus regular milk," read the New York Times, ask a friend, order some educational materials off of Amazon. Whatever you choose to do, don't just make excuses to ignore the issue. And might I add, there are plenty of small-farm operations that sell milk in stores or deliver it to your door that may not be organically certified but are probably better than factory operations and even some "organic factory farms." If you're at all interested in the issue, do your research and pick a milk that you feel good about drinking. Factor in how the animals are treated, what they eat, if they're allowed to pasture when the weather permits and, if you can get anyone to tell you, what the somatic cell count is in the product (this is an indicator of the quality in terms of how it relates to bacteria and pathogens found in the cows). At the time of posting, only Organic Valley and Oberweis (a small local dairy, although not USDA certified organic) provided any information on this number in particular, even after multiple attempts to contact people at both small farms and larger organic companies. Not exactly confidence boosting, but I'm allergic to soy, I don't like the taste of almond or rice milk and thus far I still believe in the health benefits of drinking milk from well-cared-for cows.

Wherever this discussion leads you, keep in mind that it's not all about you. I don't know about your kid, but mine guzzles milk like there's no tomorrow, and his health is kind of majorly important to me. I also don't like the footage I've seen of the poor cows on huge factory farms, and by now we should all know that synthetic pesticides are no good no matter which way you see the issue. So if the only thing still standing in your way is the cost difference (I for one have had no problem getting local or organic milk during this supposed "shortage") — which can be anywhere from one to four dollars a gallon, I know — why don't you leave that box of crackers on the shelf and put the money toward your health? (Or the ice cream, or the donuts, or the frozen pizza — maybe not everything, but ONE THING?) I know, I know — now that I've said it, the rebel in you is going to fill your cart with all that junk and, just to spite me, a jug of regular milk. Fine — it's your decision, and it comes down to what you believe. I'm happy even if just one conventional milk-drinker tries organic "just in case" or "when I can"; I've done my part — for today.

Next up: Spend on Milk, Save on...Bleach?

Back in the saddle

2012-01-19T19:30:00.001-06:00

You: Welcome back!

Me: Why, thank you! Sorry for the hiatus. I've been busy creating another little human being inside my belly.

You: Aw, congratulations!!!

Me: Thanks. I'm not making any ambitious promises about consistent blog posts just yet, but you might want to stick around anyways — your health and happiness will thank you (keep reading).

**********************************************************************************

Yeah, so I've been slacking off lately...but clearly, with good reason! I'll skip all the boring parts and just tell you that the first trimester sucked again, the second is going well except I already can't sleep comfortably, and I'm due in the spring just like with my first. SO. EXCITED.

But, and there's always a but, you know, that's not the only reason why I've been re-prioritizing around here lately — we've had a bit of a health scare in the family, okay, not just a scare but a real life-changing event, and I've had to start to sit back and digest it all. Slowly. It's a daily process, really. I'm not going to go into detail to protect the identity of blah blah blah, but I will say that I just realized on Monday (after agonizing over whether to change the name of my blog AGAIN) how the name and theme actually still apply. No, I'm not going all crazy and vegan on you, although you probably remember that I've considered it in the past. Really, I'm talking about being at peace with food not just in terms of how it relates to past topics we've dealt with like guilt about fat and calories but now, also, more of how it relates to my health conscience. The part that knows that I should avoid eating another cookie not because of the moment-on-the-lips, lifetime-on-the-hips factor but because of its sugar content and what exactly sugar does once it's inside of me. The part that recognizes a company that mass produces meat or cheese or whatever it may be without a second thought to the health of the animals and how that may affect the health and safety of all us consumers in the United States and elsewhere. The part that is somehow happier not having anything at all instead of having decaf tea processed with chemicals or lunch meat that should really be heated to 165 degrees in order to be "safe" for pregnant women to eat.

Yes, this is a new reality for me. A season of continued change, little by little, step by step, and I'm going to convince you, too, to make changes. Not just with witty remarks and snarky comments, but with links to the latest articles on what's really getting under my skin in the health world these days, simple options for you to swap out in order to make your work and home environment more healthy and, perhaps, even some facts and tidbits that are so disturbing and shocking that you may actually think I've gone off the deep end. But trust me — I've learned a lot in the past few weeks. I've become more hungry for adding to the knowledge I've gained than I am for my son's junky crackers and apple juice (like a drug for me in the second trimester, apparently), and I really want to share it with people who might be able to make the same small (and large) changes I'm making (that's you!), for the betterment of your health and happiness. It's a scary world out there — but even on days like today when it's 10 degrees outside, we still have to go out and live in it. Hopefully some of the content I have up my sleeve will present some healthier alternatives to what we're all used to, and together we can feel a little bit better every day about the choices we make, from breakfast through dinner and beyond. Thanks for staying tuned.

Next up: "Baby" Step Number 1 — Changing the Milk that You Drink

What's good

2011-10-27T13:00:00.000-05:00

I was listening to an old Adam Carolla Podcast today (so profane and yet so funny), and Adam went on one of his typical rants, this time mostly about food — trail mix and donuts, in particular.

To summarize, the conclusions of the mostly one-way conversation went something like this: Nobody likes trail mix, and people just end up picking the good stuff out of it (the chocolate candies are always the first to go), and actually, this surprised me, CAKE donuts are better than the crusty glazed kind! Who knew? Did you know? Apparently people really like to dunk them in coffee, or milk, or whatever. I hate to disagree, but I leave the cake donuts for my dad. The nasty artificial pink kind is my favorite, and — get this — even my HUSBAND knows that. I've been a strawberry-frosted kind of girl since I was 13.

So anyways, I was inspired to write by this idea that certain foods are just good. Throw out all the crap about organic, humanely raised, artisanally crafted, whatever. Just for a minute. EAT with your fork instead of voting with it, for right now only if you must. (Which is not to say that Whole Foods doesn't have deliciously tempting foods, too; their hot-food counter always smells way too good to be good for you. But play along with me here for the sake of normalcy.)

What's good? I'd venture to argue that a big fat bagel (toasted) from an authentic Jewish deli is good, with a healthy serving of their own cream cheese, together all melty on the top, crusty on the outside, chewy on the inside. I can say this because I had one last week.

I'm also seriously convinced that Rachel Zoe's salami is as lip-smacking good as they say (don't bother, I Googled it, and there is no recipe), so I'm going to try making it, maybe tonight. I think it's just a short, fat salami cut into slices but not all the way through, slathered with orange marmalade and baked in the oven until a little black and crispy on top. Sounds gross and looks even more disgusting to prepare, but they called it crack. Any cured meat that is referred to as an illegal substance you can pretty much guarantee I'm going to try, and it will be good.

What else is good? I'll go out on another limb here to say that pudding is good. Any kind of pudding, whatever you fancy. I know some of you don't like the banana kind, which I'm sort of jonesing for, but how about some good old-fashioned pudding and Nilla wafers for dessert tonight? Quick, easy, and my son has never had pudding before. This will be epic.

Good, good, what else is good...

Okay, so as not to be totally prejudiced, some good-for-you things are good, too. Broccoli slathered with garlic butter at this pub in my neighborhood that even my one-year-old will scarf down. Homemade soup and a good root vegetable puree. Cold, crisp, crunchy baby carrots with something delicious to dip them in. Crunch, crunch away, my friend. (Just don't do it around people like me who hate people who chew really loudly, unless you're eating at the same time and the TV is on. Really loud.)

I may just be writing all of this because I'm really, really hungry right now, but the frankness of Carolla's discourse convinced me whole-heartedly that sometimes there is no arguing whether something is tasty and delicious, no matter where it came from, how much it cost, who handed it to you or what it's wrapped in. And yes, I know, not everyone likes cake donuts, or chocolate candies, or smoked almonds or what have you. But come on. Tacos are good. Shoestring French fries, even right out of your very own oven, are really freaking good with a little ketchup to dip in. Chocolate-protein-powder-banana-almond-butter smoothies are so huge and filling and delicious, they're just good. You can't argue with that.

You can't argue with good.

Nothing is safe any more

2011-10-17T13:00:00.000-05:00

You know how it goes: Eggs are good for you; eggs are bad for you. Coffee is good for you; caffeine is bad for you — but don't you dare drink decaf with all the chemicals they process the stuff with. Butter, margarine, good fats, bad fats, trans fats...if you follow everyone else's rules, even some of the time, it's starting to feel like nothing is safe to eat any more!

My mind has been trying not to think about this article since I read it — although I think it's very well written (minus the fact that humanely raised animals are not really thrown into the mix), it kind of just makes me crazy, makes me want to scream, throws my insides into a tizzy.

What? Organic is bad for you? Huh?

The message is not that black and white, I know. And while I appreciate the undercurrent that even folks like Michael Pollan and Mark Bittman would support — that the bottom line is, we should all be eating more fruits and vegetables, organic or not — now there's this part of me that wonders if I even SHOULD be spending (wasting?) my money on organic apples...or broccoli...or peaches or plums or berries, all of which are conventionally sprayed with heavy pesticides — synthetic pesticides, that is. (But are they worse for us than natural pesticides? Read the article and decide for yourself.)

Sometimes I wish I could throw all the food and nutrition knowledge that I've accumulated over time right out the window, and maybe that way I would just eat what I wanted and wouldn't be so overwhelmed by the barrage of tips and tricks that I've absorbed over the years, which actually play tricks on me in some shape, way or form every day:

Organic is best, when you can afford it
Don't eat anything processed with more than five ingredients
Cooking at home is better than eating out (so why are there so many yummy takeout places in my neighborhood? why does Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives exist?)
It's better to cook your meals with only four to five ingredients also
Whole grain is best (apparently, famous chefs and line cooks have never heard this before)
No snacks, sweets or seconds on days that don't begin with "S"
Limit treats to the weekend (and it seems like anything with refined flour is a "treat")
Sugar is the devil. Limit it in every way possible — including honey and maple syrup; agave is the devil's best friend
Don't drink the juice; eat the fruit
Grilling meats at high temperatures causes possible carcinogens to weasel their way into your food; you can counteract that to some degree only by marinating with rosemary and olive oil
Braising and poaching are the safest ways to cook meats
Boiling vegetables causes them to lose a lot of their nutrients; steam or eat raw
Meat is bad for you anyways. You should just be a vegetarian.
And a vegan. Get used to the smell of fake cheese.
Limit your fruit intake; even natural sugars are bad for you if you overdo it

Can man really live on raw veggies alone? (Even if we could, conventional or organic???)

We all know what's best, come on, even I know and understand what the real message is here. As Pollan would say, Eat food, mostly plants, not too much. Fine.

But they make it SO hard on us.

The supermarkets, the kids, the husbands, the family members, the advertisers, the radios, the TVs, the smells, the lines out the door, the coupons, the marketers, the multi-billion-dollar industry pundits...

Did you see that? In just five sentences I went from wholesome and virtuous to thinking about pizza, cardboard boxes and a combination of milk and cereal that has now somehow become a little brick of sugar that our kids can put in their lunch boxes and take to school. Wow, look at all the pretty colors...

I'm so fed up with it all (pardon the pun). A week goes by and I feel like I have nothing to write about, because maybe I don't want to write about this any more, and then something like this floats through the blogosphere, and I'm reeled back in. I'm hooked. I've been baited, tamed and made to question my sanity by some other more informed blogger named "Nerdy Christie." Blech.

I need a vacation from food. That is, a vacation from the everyday supermarket blues, the fluorescent lights, the crinkly packaging, the disappointing meals. I need to be taken away to some place where the pineapple and papaya are as fresh as a Hawaiian breeze, lunch consists of lightly dressed greens and thinly shaved feta (if that even exists), no one needs any snacks or cocktails because life is so delicious and peaceful already, and then another breezy, happy meal rolls around (ie, dinner), and my every sense is delighted, my every wish fulfilled, in a small dish of gnocchi with ham and a light cream sauce. Put some veggies on the side, serve me an amazingly decadent dessert after, and let me feel no guilt. Just deliciousness. Hope, peace, love and deliciousness.

Maybe that should have been the new name for my blog.

Tell me something I don't already know

2011-10-12T15:00:00.000-05:00

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

That's how the saying goes, and looking back on my last post makes me feel like this: All the GOOD intentions in the world cannot save me from making BAD choices.

I'm a busy mom. (Aren't we all?) And yet even just saying that sounds like an excuse. I've probably said this here before, and I know I've said it to other women outside of the blogosphere: I want to be Super Mom. I want to have delicious whole foods for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I want to snack on carrot sticks and hummus, fresh fruit and salted nuts. So why is my son eating half a chocolate chip waffle for breakfast every day, my latest fruit obsession comes in a tiny little cup (with 100% juice!), and the one home-cooked meal I've made so far this week looked like roadkill?

The reasons are as follows, if you must know:

My son will not eat scrambled eggs. Or oatmeal. Or even blueberry waffles, or sugary granola cereal with milk. And I can't just give him pretzels and crackers for every meal — there I go again, thinking to myself, He shouldn't even be eating those to begin with.
We HAVE gotten him to eat a lot more fruit lately, however — only it's out of a little plastic cup, and there are little red things floating around inside that look more like something you'd see in a Brandy Manhattan than a fresh fruit salad. Still. It's fruit. Right?
I've been trying to plan dinners lately around what I really "want" to eat instead of going to the grocery store and picking up a week's worth of foods that we then decide we don't want (eg, salad) and instead end up getting Mexican takeout. Goes against every organizer's and meal planner's rules out there, but I need a change — so when I was strangely in the mood for meatloaf yesterday (I know, weird), I picked up all the ingredients for my old-faithful recipe...and then remembered that it's really not that great of a recipe. Dead giveaway? When neither the topping nor the filling calls for salt or pepper. (Ironically, of course, my son ate it up like candy.)

Clearly my eating woes are far from solved. I wish I had time to home cook every meal, but I don't. I wish I had the money to stock my kitchen with fresh, organic vegetables, artisanal cheeses and naturally raised meats that I could lovingly prepare according to all the best recipes, chefs, techniques and websites. I'd photograph my food for the site; I'd never set foot in another chain restaurant for as long as I live; I'd only eat food that I respected, food that respected me back by making me thin and healthy and beautiful.

It feels like a really stupid war, me against food; that boyfriend you just can't bring yourself to break up with, even though he's a jerk to you; the job you don't quit because it's easier to be complacent than it is to spiff up a resume, find a recruiter and, ultimately, make your life better.

So here's my question now, on an endless theme:

Which is worse — stressing myself out about how I'm not eating up to my own standards, or stressing myself out in the process of overspending on food, trying to make time for cooking, going to the grocery store more often than I'd like and maybe not even being that impressed with the results?

Here's a novel idea: It must be time to learn how to NOT stress out about it, either way.

And that is at the center of this journey.

I wish I could keep a running list of the foods that make me feel good and bad, but it's so hard for me to distinguish (really — what a foolish problem to have) between the ones that just don't sit well with me and the ones that I think I may just feel guilty for eating and thus they weigh heavily on my conscience/in my stomach. It gets back to another long-standing theme, which is that one can never know oneself too well. That, and the importance of living in the moment. Figuring it out literally WHILE YOU'RE CHEWING if you're enjoying X food or if all you can think about is the "lifetime on the hips" part of that decadent "moment on the lips."

I swear, some day I will get over it (and myself). I will have time and money. I won't make excuses. I will know myself well, my true likes and dislikes, and I will not be this wavering little leaf in the wind.

Some of us have lofty goals and aspirations, like making a difference in other peoples' lives, or having an impact on the world.

I just want to enjoy food again.

It's so easy

2011-09-29T07:12:00.000-05:00

You know me well: The minute I convince myself I'm eating "whatever I want" and trying to make peace with food, there's that other part of me that's also thinking Ooh....but you know sugar is bad for you. You know it's linked to cancer. You know you really shouldn't be eating cookies. And although I have my moments at the grocery store, if I weren't so obsessed with only buying what's on sale, I'd actually have a lot of real-food options right at my fingertips, in the chain stores and the boutique markets and the health food havens.

It's actually really easy to eat real food.

Don't believe me? Think about it. These are all read foods:

Eggs — scrambled, fried, over easy, boiled...great any time of day
Nuts — not just for snacking. We add raw almonds to our salads all the time
Beef, chicken, turkey, pork (organic only) — consider all varieties; ground, cutlets, burgers, steaks, stew meat, chicken breasts, whatever tickles your fancy!
Organic cheeses (check the package for five ingredients or less) — add these to sandwiches, salads, pastas and savory breakfast dishes
Plain yogurt (2% Greek is best) — add to this honey, or almond butter, or jam sweetened with natural fruit juice concentrate
All fruits — start to move into what's seasonal and local for fall, like apples now and citrus fruits in winter; however, frozen organic fruits can also make a delicious smoothie, and don't forget about dried fruits — raisins have no added sugar
All vegetables — it's squash and pumpkin season, which you can put in pastas, soups, breakfast casseroles, you name it; also, don't overlook the main course salad or carrot/celery sticks with hummus (you'll probably have to make it yourself for it to be five ingredients or less) or nut butters — make sure they have no added sugar!
Triscuit crackers
Beans and legumes — great time of year for a nice lentil soup (which I'm having today!); we add beans to all of our salads now, and chickpeas are SO yummy roasted for a little snack
Milk, 100% juice, teas and fair-trade coffees to drink (sweeten with honey or maple syrup if you must); wine and beer are also fine for the adults
Cocoa powder, dijon mustard, oil and vinegar, fresh or dried herbs are all okay condiments/flavor enhancers (notice catsup is not included in this list) — check for no added sugar and five ingredients in anything jarred or bottled, though

If you're still thinking this list looks sort, note how many items I lumped together AND how many recipes can be derived from this list of ingredients: Homemade pancake breakfasts...grilled veggies...stir fries...snacks for the kids...desserts...the list goes on!

So although I am still not going to put a restriction on myself that sugar is completely off limits — because I know that will just make me want it more — I'm just going to try to get over my obsession with sale prices in October and instead focus on buying real foods and considering what I'm saving by NOT buying cookies, ice cream, Coke, etc.

I know that's a lot to digest (pardon the pun), but isn't your health worth it?

More enlightening realizations

2011-09-25T06:01:00.001-05:00

So I purposely didn't publish yesterday's post until after I spoke with my opener of eyes, thinking perhaps I'd just erase it all and start fresh. But that wouldn't be very authentic, now, would it? So I published it the morning after, as is, with a simple note at the bottom that it would be closely followed by another post with more details — and thus here we are.

We actually didn't even get to talk specifically about the food and finance topics I touched on yesterday here, because something came over me, I got very emotional and we actually dug right into the bigger issues (which are probably reflected somehow in the smaller ones I went over with you) — and some interesting things happened.

You know I want to be a stay-at-home mom. You also know that as much as I may vent, I really do try to focus on the positive, be grateful for what I have, and not focus on the negative.

Well, it's sort of a good-news, bad-news message that came out of our conversation. The message I liked was this: You don't necessarily have to focus on the positive...just work on NOT focusing on the negative first. Okay, well right there that's basically cutting my work in half. Like!

The bad news I'm also choosing to blatantly twist into good news (and I'm patting myself on the back for this, although it may not exactly be what was intended): Instead of focusing on saving money, focus on making more money.

Duh.

Maybe I'm an idiot, but to someone so embroiled in the negative sometimes — much as I try not to be — stating what's basically the exact opposite of my current strategy (which apparently isn't working out too well for me) practically sounds like another language to me. An amazing, new, fresh, full-of-possibilities sort of language.

Because here I can get creative.

Here I can not only keep networking, and meeting new people, and working on my message, but I can also use my other skills in more general arenas — writing, editing, translating, speaking my perfect Castilian Spanish...and God knows that's a useful thing to be able to do these days.

So this is me, reaching out into the universe, putting feelers out there, getting my word out. Not focusing on the negative. Making more money. Creating these things that will, actually, end up bringing me more peace and calm, if I go about them in the right ways, which is what I truly crave right now.

(To be truly transparent, however, I will mention that the conversation we had yesterday basically went something like this: You are not a stay-at-home mom, and you probably never will be. Ouch. That hurt. To me, it's a fine line to walk between wanting something so badly [NOT focusing on what I do NOT want!] and really hoping and believing that through some miracle it's possible, and on the other end of the spectrum just being in denial. So I'm either continuing to be in denial, or this person, while well intentioned, is simply crushing my dream. Either way, I'm just going to focus on the "make more money" part. Because although it may be the root of all evil, or may not buy happiness, it does, as they say, make the world go round. And for some, it can even buy time — the other thing I always say I need more of.)

So that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. (And PS — I went back to the grocery store yesterday and defiantly bought the cookies, ham and cheese that I wanted/needed — plus a little baggie of potato chips to fill my hungry belly. And let me tell you, they hit the spot!)

Energy

2011-09-24T09:00:00.001-05:00

I know I've only touched on this idea here and there a few times before, but the premise of today's post is to think about this: What's one thing that you spend a considerable amount of time thinking about, hemming and hawing, engaging in self-doubt, or worrying about? Money? A friendship? A lover? Your diet?

For me, it's food and money. I wrote on the old site several times about how the two go together hand-in-hand, so it's no wonder I spend too much time focused on both. Luckily, I've gotten past the need to "diet," and although I've stopped worrying about dropping pounds, inches and dress sizes, my new obsession has become eating clean and trying to stick to real foods.

I was at the grocery store today, and I felt like a crazy person, or a chicken with its head cut off. First of all, I went there not REALLY needing to go there...I just wanted to get out of the house for a bit. (Whatever will I do when winter comes — but more on that later.) We were out of ham and cheese for my husband's sandwiches, but as he was already at work, it really didn't matter. So anyways, I go straight for the ham and cheese, bypassing the OJ because we already had some in the fridge, and I pick up what's on sale: Some Oscar Meyer crap (surely with nitrites and nitrates) and my usual Sargento Aged Swiss (believe it or not, it's their only white cheese with less than five ingredients). I did NOT get the Hormel natural ham, because it wasn't on sale. And if I'm not eating it, apparently it's okay for my husband to ingest the nitrates and nitrates. Yeah, I'm a real caring person.

Then I ran into this person I know. This skinny, tiny, perfect-looking little wisp of a person...and as I overheard her reading aloud her shopping list to her kids (which included frozen pizza and chips), I thought, Okay, you know what? Let's NOT make this a real-food trip. Let's get cookies. And Goldfish. Yeah.

But halfway down the aisle, I thought, No. Actually, I'm better than this. Why am I letting her junk-food items tempt me? So I put the cookies back, I wheeled away from the Goldfish and...I started my mind on the following roller coaster.

Hmm, this yogurt has sugar in it. Better put it back, too.

Oh, and this butter should be organic. We'll have to go to Whole Foods for that.

You know, even the HAM should really be put back. I mean, local meats are best, right? So let's put the cheese back while we're at it. If I drink all-natural milk, I should eat organic cheese too, right? Duh.

And suddenly my cart was empty again. (Don't let her see me! She'll know how crazy I am!)

Back to the orange juice. That's safe. And on sale. So what if we don't need it.

And, some whole, natural almonds. On sale. Totally safe.

A pineapple, a cantaloupe, and we're done. My four-item cart, all stuff I don't even need, but real foods nonetheless.

I was about to say, "So why do I feel so conflicted about all this?" But just by writing it down it's clear. I wanted those cookies, gosh darn it. And my son has hardly eaten anything today, because we're out of Goldfish and yogurt and cookies and the bread he likes. (Yes, I tried giving him raisins and a banana, but all he would eat was some leftover birthday cake and two bites of my toast.) So we now have a houseful of food that would make my husband walk in and, very officially, say, "What am I going to eat? There's nothing."

And this is what it's like to live inside my mind.

I did something similar with money just in the past couple weeks. You know that Missoni for Target craze? Oh wow. If you hate me even the tiniest bit now, get ready to full-on HATE.

I kind of stumbled into the whole thing, unshowered, in workout clothes, but right after Target opened on The Big Day.

Ooh. Missoni head scarves.

Oh. Pillows for the couch I need to recover. Sweet.

A bowl! For chips! For my party!

A dress, two winter scarves, and a sweater. YUM.

Yeah, don't forget those towels, either. Everyone always needs towels. I'd venture to say you can't EXIST without towels. (Stop eyeing my cart, lady!)

Honey, I bought it all. Even the shoes, because some woman convinced me I'd regret it if I didn't. (If only she knew me.)

But you see, then my birthday started creeping up closer and closer. And I was entertaining. And suddenly I felt all guilty, buying stuff for me, when I am paying peanuts to my nanny, who has her own money crisis, and I was about to be showered in gifts for the simple reason that I was turning 30.

So one by one, at two different Targets, I took everything back, except for the hand towels (that EVERYONE noticed at my party).

I used the money I got back to buy stuff for the party, some of THAT which I even returned! (Who needs two extra packs of non-real food tortillas and guacamole "dip"?) Missoni, actually, ended up funding my entire party, I think. That is, the $387 I spent at Target ended up going back to Target, and the grocery store, for things like paper plates, cups, napkins, a fake table cloth, chicken, ground beef, and all the fixings for my Mexican fiesta (which was pretty spectacular in the end).

But the shame, oh the shame. How could I take the precious merchandise back? Handing over the last few items, as good as it felt on one level, also felt kind of criminal. I figured they had my picture in the back somewhere: "This lady is up to no good." It felt bad on other levels, too; am I really this bad off, that I can't go out and splurge on myself, once, probably the first time in YEARS? Everything I buy for myself I end up returning, or wishing I could, most of the time. All those pages I used to rip out of magazines for things I wanted to do and buy and make? They're in the garbage now. I'll never have the money for that tunic, or the coat hooks, or the leopard-print carpeting for my stairs. On my to-do list is "Vision board: Big things, not small" — partially because it felt pretty stupid to have a beautiful feather duster on my vision board, but maybe also just a little bit because I did NOT believe I would ever get it. Would ever have the superfluous income for it. Or the shoes. Or that hand sanitizer thing.

Which is sad.

Not sad because I want all that material stuff; I really don't care about it anymore. I have bigger fish to fry. But sad that, like the bigger fish, I just can't find my way up and out and into BELIEVING. Knowing that there is enough and there always will be enough. Having faith that I am on my right path, and everything will be fine. Trusting that the universe has amazing things in store for me, and, actually, my life right now IS pretty amazing.

Okay, so I do have moments when I recognize that.

But they're often tossed aside for these embarrassing moments at Target and the grocery store, which I am also conflicted even just talking about — am I just perpetuating the circumstances, sending more messages of lack and disorder and conflict out into the universe for myself?

There's someone I really want to talk about this with today, because she always provides me with a fresh, realistic perspective, like how it's actually unrealistic to eat real foods 100% of the time — which, yes, I've been told, and agreed with, and wrote about here before — and why it is that I can't get myself to believe that we are fine and will be fine, or what it is I need to do to get us on solid ground (financially speaking). Something about all this I just can't get through my thick skull.

Which, long story short, brings me to the point of the post:

What if I were to spend all this energy — thinking, worrying, NOT necessarily the writing part, because as scatterbrained as I may sound, I do think this is therapeutic in some weird and twisted way — what if I were to spend all this energy doing something else? Because it is clear to me all the stress and tension I cause myself (yes, as stupid as it sounds, but even when it comes to just what the heck we'll eat for dinner tonight), and it IS exhausting — I toss and turn at night, I constantly have a tense jaw, I have become the yeller and the snapper in our house...

What on earth would I do with my time? And I don't just mean free time, because that's pretty much nonexistent with a one-nap kid these days. I read about a page a day in my books, TV is limited to cartoons and about a half hour of a movie every night, and I only write blog posts when, okay, I really should be doing something else...I mean more like, what would my brain do with all that free space floating around inside? If food and money were never ever worries ever ever again, what would this mind be capable of?

I'd like to be able to walk through the grocery store like my friend, and pick up that frozen pizza and chips IF I WANT TO, not give it a second thought related to nutrition or money, and call it a day. I'd like to buy that Missoni dress again, if the weather was appropriate for me to wear it to my party and it wasn't so dang short, and feel good in it. Feel good ABOUT it. Feel fine. Happy. Okay. No, ECSTATIC.

What is it I need to be able to do all this? Sure, an endless supply of cash would be nice. But I am convinced, yes, totally convinced, that if I just relaxed and let go and filled my time and brain with other stuff, whatever that may be — play dates, organizing my office, pulling all my winter clothes out — I could make this all so much easier on myself.

So why don't I just do it? Well clearly there's some sort of self-sabotage going on here. Some dark and twisty undercurrent that says YOU CAN'T DO THAT, or (shaking my head, because I know I'm better than this), you should do something else.

You should just eat real foods.

You should spend your money on products you believe in, instead of more plastic gadgets and throwaway juice boxes.

You should NOT buy cookies just because you want them, and you WILL feel guilty tonight if you order a pizza. After all, what do you "want" more? A healthy family, or junk food? (But again — really — will we never catch another cold just because we eat real food? I'd like to say yes, because it may just be that we'll catch LESS colds, but how can one really avoid it all in today's modern age, both junk food and germs alike?)

At least I can recognize that it's sad, it really is, how conflicted and out-of-control I feel about these two SO STUPID, SO JUVENILE (sort of) things.

But this is the muck we have to work through.

This is the hard work we have to do, to get to where we need to be.

For some it's an eating disorder, for some it's compulsive shopping, for some it's gambling or drinking or drugs, cigarettes, bad boys. Whatever that thing is in your life that you love to hate and hate to love. We all have it. And we all feel conflicted about it.

I'll give myself up right now; my original goal for this year was to write down every last little speck of every thing I ate, and really journal and note how it all made me feel, the conflicts and the joys and the smiles and the realizations. Until, of course, I realized that if I can't even write in my own journal every day, how on earth am I going to write in yet another food journal? That part of my life is over. The nit-picking, the counting of calories, the writing down of bread and cheese and butter. Tablespoons. Cups. Bites. Licks.

My second thought was to combine that with the whole "eat whatever you want" ideal. Geneen Roth and her breaking free from compulsive eating, shopping, or a combination of the two. (I know, sounds like we're soul mates.) But clearly even that plan went south.

There's still hope, however; and because I like to make games and lists and projects out of everything, I may still put that second plan into action for the month of October. There's a "31 Days Of" link fiesta going around, so I may just join in if I can figure out exactly what my 31 days would be, and if it even makes sense, or if this is all just putting too much of the focus right where I don't need it to be.

But I am committed, no, I am adamant, that I do NOT want to give up writing in this space while I work on all of this kerfuffle, so I won't. You'll have to just listen to my ramblings as they come and go, and with any luck some day I'll be at a different place — a true place of peace, one that's not so tired, and worn out, and self-annihilating. Maybe, just maybe, there would be room for peace, if I eliminated all of these struggles.

That is my hope for ME. And if you have any doubts or worries or thoughts that constantly plague you, may we find peace together. It IS possible. This I know.

PS: Stay tuned for a follow-up to this post!

Fear

2011-09-22T17:00:00.000-05:00

A recent review of an article from one of my favorite blogs (arguably my favorite) made me realize something I'd never quite put my finger on before: A lot of my decisions in life — heck, a lot of my thoughts — come from a place of fear. Are based on the premise of fear. Are constructed and formulated, to a large extent, on any number of fears:

The fear that it will be the "wrong" decision
The fear that outsiders will react negatively to my decision or action
The fear that my action will cause detriment to me or my family
The fear that it's a "bad" decision
The fear that once I make the decision, there's no turning back
The fear of regret
The fear of shame or embarrassment
The fear of disappointing someone else

Some of those are inter-related, perhaps even redundant, but hopefully you get my point — and maybe a light bulb just went off in your head, too.

Think about any of the following situations, starting with food, of course:

You completely eliminate carbs from your diet, following the latest trend, because if you don't, you'll get fat. (That's the fear of becoming fat talking.)

You stay at your dead-end job, never even asking for a raise, because what will you say, and what if they say no, and what will you do then. (That's your fear of jumping out on a limb and going for what you want; fear of being embarrassed if you're turned down; fear of word spreading in the company and you looking like a fool.)

You decide not to join that book club you've been thinking about, because your husband will get angry if you leave the kids with him again, and he might even get jealous, and you might wish you'd never even brought it up. (That's most definitely a fear of having to stand up for yourself, perhaps actually a fear of being put in a new social situation, maybe even a fear of facing a bigger issue/problem in your marriage.)

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? Can you relate to them in any way? I can, and it's nice to finally recognize that it's often this fairly useless emotion that's forming my decisions, thoughts and actions — nice only in the sense that now that I'm aware, I can hopefully catch myself in the act and face each decision with a new perspective, not this old, trembling one. I know I've talked a lot on here recently about going after what I want, and not basing my actions on what others think or what's "right" or what's "normal," and this is just another example of how what you want can end up getting twisted, lost, forgotten — when fear gets in the way.

It's NOT necessarily easy to just stop yourself in your tracks and, from one day to the next, stop operating on a platform of doom and gloom. But as I always say, awareness is the first step. If you have a few sips of soda without worrying what the sugar in it will do once it's in your bloodstream, you might just enjoy it a bit more — or you might decide you don't even like soda at all. If you venture out and meet new people without wondering what they'll think of you or if your attire is appropriate or what you'll say if silence falls among you, you will probably enjoy yourself much more — just being you, speaking when you have something to say, wearing something you're comfortable in.

There will be conflict — trust me, sometimes I really have to ask myself what I want, even why I want it — but I'm also hoping it gets easier. And that as I make sound, pure decisions, they start multiplying, and having little babies, and growing into bigger, stronger, tightly knit decisions, real beliefs and expectations about what my amazing future holds, and all my goals and dreams coming true.

Have you ever caught yourself making a decision or doing something unconsciously that is actually spawned by fear or anxiety? Share your story — it may help you to remember next time and instead come from a place of peace.

A poor reflection

2011-09-21T17:00:00.001-05:00

Ah, how times have changed.

Are you a museum-goer? Do you appreciate the finer things in life, like old oil paintings, black and white photography, American history? I've never been too big of an art buff, but one thing is clear and often cited when looking back over the life works of portrait artists from around the globe:

Bodies with curves were painted more often for a reason — because they were celebrated; they were a reflection of beauty and often wealth; they were portrayed in a dewy glow, with rosy cheeks, the most natural, sexy bed-head you'll ever see on a woman. Wisps and tendrils. Soft curls. Eyes that gave no indication of shame or embarrassment.

Oh, and they were also painted that way more often because that's just how the bodies were, by the way. There was no dying to be thin. Skinny was sick. The media? What media?

So why do I automatically feel like such a failure, like it's such a poor reflection of me — what, my values? my likes and dislikes? my lack of control or willpower? — every time I catch a glimpse of my little nub of a tummy poking out over the waistband of my pants?

It just serves as another reminder that I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to how I relate to food, why I overeat and how to deal with my REAL hunger...For a better job for my husband, for new, nontoxic carpeting in my office, for not just being aware of my issues but being rid of them (which is an issue in and of itself), for so much more. And I do, I struggle every day, wavering between eating whatever I want to eat (which, of course, to the naked, conditioned eye sounds like mounds and mounds of hamburgers, French fries, chocolate bars and ice cream but really doesn't amount to much more than toast, leftovers, fruit and cookies) and focusing on real foods, what's healthy, what will ultimately do my body good instead of just pleasing that temporary craving for whatever it is, whether it's a piece of cake or a feeling of stress or a celebratory drink at the end of summer.

As much as I think it would be of benefit to never watch another minute of TV, never leaf through another fashion magazine and never set foot on Pinterest again — because of all the wishing and wanting it creates in me — at least I'm also realizing how unlikely all of that is and that the real objective is to get to the heart of what's causing me to think that I can't want or have such things, whether they're a flat tummy or a new headboard. (Not to mention the concept that how I am and what I have right now are just fine, as is, thank you very much.) But oh, how we automatically just push for change, fast, here, now...

...Yet that's wanting to skip all the hard work. Not wanting to slog through the weeks, months, perhaps years of identifying what we're self-conscious about and WHY. It's not just another item on your to-do list that you can check off in five minutes, this dealing with of issues and blocks and the drive to learn how to both accept and hope at the same time. If you do have any hope for growth, any anxiety that needs to be dealt with, that's just it: You've gotta deal with it. Not through food, but through breath. Not with drugs or alcohol, but with presence. Not by leaving, but by staying. Thinking. Feeling.

Trust me, I know that sounds a lot easier than it is. To some, it may even sound like a crock. I'd love to be able to look at myself in the mirror, every last inch of me, and shout to the heavens "I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!" and mean it. I'd love to not care what the naysayers say. I'd love to have peace and quiet in my head even if not in my environment every minute of the day. But I'll take the small victories as they come — like allowing myself to eat a cookie without feeling guilty about it, or basking in the crisp air outside as my son discovers a new toy — and know that I'm one step closer to me.

What are you doing today to bring "you" closer to your inner self, your true wants and desires? (Or what do you realize now you did or bought or ate that took you away from yourself?) Share it with me, or with someone, and you may find it brings you a little spot of sunshine. That's my hope for you.

The Year of Peace

2011-09-19T08:55:00.000-05:00

I have to be honest, I did not deliberate much (this morning) when deciding that this year would be my Year of Peace. As you may remember from previous posts, each year I pick a theme on my birthday for the following 12 months. In the past its been such things as the Year of Me, when I focused on taking care of my body, the Year of Opposites, when I tried to come out of my shell more and think outside of the box, the Year of Health when I was pregnant and trying to eat well for the baby. The Year of Peace seemed rather obvious, not just in light of this site but generally speaking in terms of my real need for calm and peace in the home, with my child, in heated or hectic moments and trying to stay relaxed, focused and centered with regard to all elements of my life — spirituality, nutrition, friendships, finance, whatever it may be.

Having a small child may not leave much time for exercise, meditation, yoga or journaling, but I don't think it's absolutely necessary to practice those things and still maintain a sense of calm and peace. It's taking a breath in a frantic, busy moment to make a smart decision; stopping to reflect on all I have to be grateful for at any given hour; focusing on what I really want instead of what may be expected, or habit, or customary.

So on this perhaps momentous day when I am now officially "in my 30s," I'm looking forward to discovering what's in store and, enjoying all that I do have — my home, my family, my health — I'm also realizing that I've brought all of these good things into my life and therefore I can only continue to do more good and attract more good. If I focus enough on wanting peace, in bringing it into my life, there's no other option than for it to come. I'm excited, happy, and hopeful.

What do you LOVE to do on your birthday? Let me know! My day is wide open...

Forbidden foods

2011-09-15T07:00:00.000-05:00

Although I'm really behind on my reading (and all things unnecessary to the daily functioning of my life), every once in a while I get to read a page or two of Why Weight, another Geneen Roth book based on workshop-type exercises rather than some of her other books that are filled with personal stories and anecdotes from readers.

So I got to the "Forbidden Foods" exercise the other day, and as you might guess the nature of the exercise was to make a list of all the things you "forbid" yourself to eat — whether that's ham, salami, cookies, cakes, candy bars, chocolate, pastries, scones or ice cream — whatever it is that you think is off limits, or SHOULD be, for whatever reason. In my mind, for example, it's not always just junk food — I even have conflicts about who made the product sometimes, whether it's local or not, how much it costs, whether it's bad for the environment, so much so that as I was drafting my list today it occurred to me that it's a wonder there's anything left in the world that I do allow myself to eat "guilt-free"! Think about all the possible excuses or conflicts from my list alone:

It's too expensive
I should have bought something healthier
It has refined flour in it
It's a processed food
It has sugar in it
It has high-fructose corn syrup
It's not organic/free-trade
It has caffeine in it
It comes individually wrapped, which is bad for the environment
It's not on sale
No health nut would eat this
I'd be embarrassed if someone I knew saw what's in my shopping cart
There are "traces of corn or peanuts," which I'm allergic to — although even my doctor said I don't need to be too concerned about this any more
I should only be snacking on fruit, not this
I shouldn't be drinking the juice; I should be eating the fruit because it has more fiber
I should buy more vegetables instead of spending my money on cookies
So-and-so would never eat this
It was handed to me through the window of my car

Really, from that list, what's left? Whole-wheat bread, organic fruit and vegetables and local, organically raised meats that, frankly, taste like the dirt and grass the animals were munching on before they came to their demise? And immediately, of course, a red flag goes up in my mind — YES! That is all you should be eating. What's wrong with that? Maybe then you wouldn't catch colds. Maybe then you wouldn't also have conflicts about whether to call in sick when you're sick. Maybe then you'd feel better about yourself and the tiny little world you live in.

And here, of course, lie all the problems.

Again, it took an outsider to point this out to me, but taking illness as an example, do you really think it's possible to not ever catch another cold again just because you eat more fruits and vegetables? And on the flip side, do you really think it's possible to never eat another blueberry scone again, for the rest of your life? Because that's not the point. The point is to be able to eat the scone if you want it, and to not feel guilty about it. What good does guilt do? Your initial reaction may be, well, it spurs you on to act differently the next time. But...not really. Guilt, fear, panic, anxiety, even happiness or joy are just emotions. What counts IS the action you take next time, not whatever emotional reaction you had yesterday or last week or this morning. I may feel guilty, but I still eat the cookies. And pita chips. And store-bought guacamole.

So why don't you take a crack at it? Make a forbidden foods list, and then bring one of the items into your home for a week. Buy plenty of it. Eat it only when you're hungry, and eat it only to satisfaction, not fullness, but try your best to not feel any guilt about it. In fact, don't feel any emotions, necessarily; try to just focus on how your body feels after you eat it, and while you're eating it, for that matter. Does it taste as good as you thought it would? Do you even really like hard candies? Do you like the texture of the steak? Think about this as you munch, and try to push away any other emotions — or write them down as part of the exercise. Identifying them may help you to move past them in the future.

Let me know how it goes!

Why the change?

2011-09-14T07:00:00.001-05:00

Hi all,

Hopefully you've "found" the new site OK. It was a little complicated to change, and I think I may have lost some of you in the process, but there weren't many ways around it...I'm still looking for a 100% solution, but this is where we're at so far.

So why the change? If you've been following the site closely, you've surely noticed that it's taken a complete 180 from writing about diet books, my experiences on diets and the constant battle to be thin to focusing on being healthy and, more recently, actually getting to the root problem of why we overeat and trying to eventually make peace with food and enjoy it instead of always feeling conflicted when we eat that cookie we "know we're not supposed to eat."

The new site will continue to address issues related to health, the real-food movement, exercise, nutrition for children and the like, but I felt like at this point I was misleading people at the very heart of my message — I'm NOT dieting any more. In fact, it seems like eons ago that I was so obsessed with weight training, fitness magazines and meal plans. There's still that part of me that could so easily get sucked back in, but that, in a sense, is how I know that my journey isn't complete when it comes to food and why I'm sure there are thousands of other women out there like me who, for example, enjoy reading Geneen Roth's books and noticing the patterns and the reasons behind why I stuff my face with pita chips out of habit and how really twisted my relationship with sugar has become. Yes, I have a relationship with sugar, and you do, too.

I have some upcoming posts planned already, so hopefully I won't leave you out in the cold too long. The bottom line is that it's high time women stop putting so much energy into fighting against their natural desires, their healthy weight, their form and function by trying to live up to standards of women on TV or comparing themselves to their friends and family members and eventually drowning their sorrows in a tub of ice cream. Just think of all the other wonderful things you could be doing instead: I've started getting into interior design and DIY projects; my son and I have made some amazing memories this summer; my thirtieth birthday (on Monday!), fall and the year's end are sure to be filled with excitement and joy. THIS is the journey I'm on, and actually, with any luck, it will last for years to come.

I hope you'll join me.

Coming soon...

2011-09-07T17:00:00.001-05:00

Hi everyone! Just a quick thank-you to all of my local friends and acquaintances who picked up the September issue of Glancer magazine — that was a really fun little side project for me and I hope you enjoy the recipe.

On another note, I know I left you hanging with regard to my big plan for celebrating my thirtieth birthday, and I'm still not 100% convinced it's the right thing for me yet...so thanks for your patience. BUT, as my twitter followers may know, and as you might remember too from a recent post, I've really been thinking hard about changing the name of this site — not only because it's taking sort of a new direction but also because I don't want to send a message I no longer subscribe to necessarily and I don't want to mislead anyone here either. So there won't be any big announcement today (I had been testing out names for so long — on Blogger, twitter, email, Go Daddy — that I'm paranoid I'll make a misstep and lose ownership of the name if I don't calculate correctly), but you will start to see subtle shifts to the site as I begin the redesign and incorporate the new name. DON'T WORRY — once the "new" site is available, I think it will just be a case of me changing the name, so you won't get lost or annoyed — but all of that technical stuff is still a little hazy. Just wanted to warn you that as the date approaches, you may start to see little changes here and there.

Hope everyone enjoyed a nice long weekend...talk to you soon!

Eating for energy

2011-09-04T07:36:00.000-05:00

We all want more, more, more these days, but that's not always a bad thing — one of the things I want, for example, is more energy. More energy to do more things, to stay up later and not be tired the next day, to not get drowsy, worn down, tired and sick.

So part of what I'm looking forward to as I remember the year of my birth is examining the difference I feel, if any, when I avoid known energy-suckers (eg, cookies, candy, cakes and the like) and explore the connection between what you eat and how much energy you have.

I start my day REALLY early every morning — at 4:50am — and that in and of itself has always discouraged me from pushing at the end of the day, whether it be for networking, housework or even catching up on a fave TV show. Usually, the baby goes to sleep and I'm not far behind. At the risk of complete humiliation, I'm going to admit that I crawl into bed anywhere between 8 and 10pm, and usually the only things I have energy for, if anything, include face cream and dental floss. But still — even on a good day, that's only nine hours of sleep max, and even then that's only if we all sleep through the night, which is rare these days because of my son's teething. On top of that, I couldn't tell you the last time I actually had a nap.

So I know that processed foods are basically good for nothing, and fruits and veggies with complex carbohydrates do a body good — but this is nothing new to me. I've tried the "perfect" snack of an apple and string cheese; I've tried nuts, dried fruit, lots of water, half a sandwich. But as I move forward, what I'm working on now is some way to track on this site what I eat, how it makes me feel, what I was doing before I ate (if there is any sort of stressor or emotional connection that's worth exploring) and what scientific evidence exists to back up why I might feel more energetic throughout — or at the end of — my day. It's kind of a daunting task, because everything I've tried thus far just gets cut off in the margin, but if worst comes to worst I'll just group small lists together and try to identify any patterns that way.

Hope you guys are enjoying the nice long weekend...it is rainy and horrible here, but maybe that means we'll get to stay home and watch movies today, yea!

They ARE coexisting

2011-09-01T17:00:00.000-05:00

This past Tuesday I had another interesting talk with one of my mentors, a very wise older woman who often helps me see the light when it comes to, well, how I see things versus how they really are. We somehow got around to discussing food and diet, which happens often, and I tried to explain how I often feel that I'm lacking focus on this blog and in life in general, I don't know what my "culinary point of view" is (a la Food Network Star) and that just makes me think that I don't know what I'm doing, what I want, what my message is, et cetera.

There are two camps I like to follow, I explained, when it comes to health and nutrition — there's the Geneen Roth ideal that diets don't work and you should just eat whatever you want, trust yourself, trust what your body needs, and it probably WILL end up telling you that you want and need healthy foods and that the junky stuff doesn't make you feel good. But she really doesn't have any health guidelines, so sugar and processed foods are NOT off limits.

Then there's the real-food camp, which advocates eating more like our great-grandmothers, following the words of Michael Pollan, not eating anything from a box with more than five ingredients, et cetera. Really more strict, rigid guidelines, with a lot of health science to back up the fact that eating this way can actually prevent things like colds, allergies and even cancer and heart disease.

My point being that I can't find a way for these two ideals to exist in my world, together. I like the idea that eating only real foods could keep my son from getting croup this winter, but I also like being "allowed" to eat cookies together if we want to, and letting him try new foods, like animal crackers, not just weird melons and things that we pick up at Whole Foods. Heck, I think it'd even be fun for us to have McDonald's some day, but this other half of me thinks that's sacrilege. I just can't figure out how the two can coexist, I said. It's impossible. I don't know what to do.

The woman stopped me and looked at me as she always does, squinting, and it was so obvious when it came out of her mouth:

"But aren't they coexisting?"

Oh.

"Aren't you kind of doing both right now? You're telling me you are; you're eating cookies sometimes, and you're also eating healthy foods. Right?"

Well, yeah, I said. But I always want to follow things to the letter. It's my perfectionist tendencies. It's black and white, one or the other. I feel guilty when I eat the cookie.

"You need to stop that."

It was another moment when the light was shone so brightly on not how far I've come but how far I've yet to go. Because what IS the point of trying to allow both worlds to coexist if you're just berating yourself every time you go against one or the other? That sucks the goodness and enjoyment out of every cookie, every bite of ice cream, every French fry on the planet — not to mention every eggplant, tomato and mushroom, if you're not in the mood for healthy whole foods at the moment. Do you really think these people also follow the rules 100% of the time, every day, always? she asked. And I found myself defending them verbally (so-and-so did 100 Days of it; they even had their kids on the plan; the dad could only break the rules if he was traveling), even though I was also secretly remembering the story Pollan told about his son, at Mickey D's, commenting on how the chicken nugget tasted more like nugget than it did chicken.

Okay, so maybe there IS room for both in my life. Maybe the two ideals ARE already coexisting in the way I approach food, diet and nutrition, it's just how I'm reacting to that, this "should-should-should" mentality, a sort of rigidity and tension that actually just makes me feel bad, not good, about my choices in meals and exercise. Here I am, forced again to reckon with the fact that it's a constant struggle for me, I feel like I'm just treading water, and yet I say that about so many other things in my life too — so why put all this energy into something that's going nowhere? Other than when I actually have the time for writing a short blog post, networking with others with similar interests or reading up on the subject, why spend a single ounce of energy worrying about what I'm eating or how I look in my pants? I want to be more childlike. To just know, "I don't want to eat that." Or "I don't like that." Or "All I really want are raspberries and buttered noodles." And to know that there's nothing wrong with that. Yes, this whole giant diet and fitness industry, real-food/emotional-eating camps included, often makes it easier for you to feel bad about yourself because you're not following their guidelines to the letter. But in the end, the body knows best, and it's better to fill yourself up with whatever foods you want and need than with feelings of guilt and shame.

I'm trying, I'm really trying. I'm noticing how I'm barely hungry for breakfast these days. I'm paying much more attention to how hectic dinnertime is, and it makes me wonder if I'm hungry for dinner most days, too. It's becoming more clear to me that I fill myself up during the middle of the day, when I either eat lunch with my son and share a snack again later or I'm alone in my office, filling the void of being alone with my sandwich and fruit and dessert. And all of these little observations, while perhaps a bit mundane to the naked eye, actually encourage more fully living in the present, which is key to the entire operation: Do what you feel is right, and you will feel right!

It's a juggle, it's a struggle, it's a battle, it's a daily jumble of decision after decision after decision. I think one of the keys is to not let it suck so much energy and attention, so I'll leave you now with a gentle reminder that if you, too, are trying to live up to an ideal or follow a set of rules or guidelines, remember that no one is perfect. We're all fighting our own battles. You just do the best you can do for you, and stand by your decisions. Stand up to your demons. Stand tall and stand proud, and at the end of each day you will feel good no matter what happens.

What am I doing?

2011-08-29T10:37:00.000-05:00

Sitting at lunch the other day, drooling over a picture of jerk chicken from Everyday Food, a familiar thought came floating through my mind:

I have no desire to eat this plate of food in front of me.

You'd think I had a bowl of porridge or something in front of me; no, it was a lovely turkey sandwich with arugula, dijon, tomato and Swiss, some reduced-fat whole-grain crackers, an apple and some watermelon.

But all I wanted were cookies.

And it's not like I had the option to eat cookies — locked in my office while the baby's upstairs with the nanny, I eat what I bring down with me before I start work or I don't eat at all — but it wasn't just that. The night before, I'd had a similar experience with our dinner salad: "I don't think I like mushrooms." Unless they're cooked down with butter and oil and wine, of course..."Gosh, I don't think I really like tomatoes, either." Unless they're seeded. And even then...

I've been opening cabinets; staring at the inside of my fridge; wondering why it feels like there's nothing in the house that I want to eat. The Willy Wonka dark chocolate bar doesn't stimulate my senses; the exotic casaba melon sitting on my countertop doesn't do anything for my taste buds. Even Ben & Jerry's is losing out with their Whirled Peace and Red Velvet ice creams.

So what could it be? Why do I suddenly feel like I'd rather look at a picture of jerk chicken rather than eat it? (And no, I'm not pregnant.)

Something is definitely going on. And after listening to a Podcast with Christiane Northrup a couple weeks ago and reflecting on what I want and don't want in my life right now, this could be an interesting foray: I'm experiencing an extreme distaste for certain things — foods, people, activities, situations — I'm noticing the physical sensation, an unpleasant one, and it seems to be completely connected to what's going on at a deeper level. And any one of us can probably pin an achy knee, headache or stomach ache to a deeper emotional pain or stressor on any given day at any given hour, if we just make an effort to see the connection.

Although it might be tempting, therefore, to think that because we know the emotional source of our physical pain we can kill two birds with one stone, unfortunately that's not always the case — but I keep coming back to this issue time and time again, that becoming aware of what's going on inside is, indeed, the first step. The first step toward what, you ask? Well, it may be the first step toward curbing your emotional eating, or it may be the first step toward cutting back on shopping compulsively, or it may be the first step toward establishing a spiritual practice that feels more right and comfortable for you.

So when you notice the physical sensations going on in your body today — whether positive or negative — start opening your eyes to how those external feelings are reflections of your current thoughts and beliefs and what so many these days are calling the "stories" we tell ourselves. In being able to pinpoint the deeper feelings, identifying with what you're thinking and how you ultimately view what's happening to you in the world around you, you're actually going to be living more in the moment and enjoying even more of the positive stuff you have to be grateful for. (I realize that in saying that many of you may automatically assume that you'll feel more deeply the negative thoughts and sensations also, which IS possible, but feeling those feelings and just "being" with them and acknowledging them is a lot better than running out to binge or splurge or do any other number of things out of guilt or shame or sadness or loneliness.)

Imagine all the living you could do, all the things you'd have or create time for, if you slowly started noticing what you don't want and start weeding out those things. It may be a long, slow road of change or continual rededication, but I'm placing my bets on the fact that it's worth it. It's so fun at times, this process of self discovery, that it almost feels indulgent.

Now it's your turn. Are you happy with your brown-bag peanut butter sandwich at lunch? More power to you. Not so happy with your plate of fried fish and chips at the local pub? Send it back, or just stop eating it. Notice how much pleasure and enjoyment you're experiencing. It will enrich everything you do.

Why Buca di Beppo (and other chain restaurants) should quit while (if) they're ahead, and other food-world rant-news

2011-08-27T09:40:00.000-05:00

Eating out in the suburbs sucks.

There, I said it.

This is not the first post I've written on disappointing dinners out and how they really screw with my food budget (and brain), so I'll skip over the part about how it really gets under my skin and move right along to the following:

If you screw up my order, and I have a screaming child, because we've been here now for an hour and still haven't eaten, when you offer me a second glass of wine, you BEST be sure you say it's on the house, or I will curse you and your restaurant, huff out of there and never look back. Coupons be damned.
If, on top of all that, your food is unhealthy, mediocre, dated and unoriginal, you can guarantee I'm also going to write a blog post about it and agree with Anthony Bourdain and his style/line of thinking that it's fatty recipes and crappy food that are killing our waistlines and puffing up our kids, and it's high time we stop patronizing places that lack pizazz, personality and integrity and instead vow to actually enjoy our meals and place a little more value on what goes into our bodies every day.

Okay, so I did feel bad, storming out of the restaurant after such an unpleasant experience, but mostly just because it was my husband who wanted to go there, and he admittedly felt guilty after for guiding us toward another waste of money and another seriously unhappy ending. But at the same time, everything happens for a reason, and although in part it just made me think how nice it would be to live in the city and have a zillion green, healthy, local, earthy-crunchy restaurants and purveyors at my fingertips, it also made me put my foot down and become even more determined to vote with my dollar AND my fork. Forget the overrated chain restaurants and mass-media marketing, deals, scheming and plotting for my butt in the seat. I'd much rather save up my dollars at the end of each month and use them for a seriously nice meal downtown, or trek on over to Whole Foods for some filets we season and cook up ourselves than constantly be falling into this trap of overpriced garbage that's doing nothing for me nutritionally and, in the end, is taking my happiness down a notch. The nerve!

So that's my rant for the day. I'm kind of over it already but didn't have the energy to post about it last night when it happened, so don't worry about me, folks, but if you feel the same way, put your foot down like I am. Damn the man! Don't let big corporations and unfeeling line cooks decide what you're eating for dinner tonight. Patronize the places that really seem to care about you and your enjoyment of their food, and if it takes you a while to find a place like that, cook for yourself in the mean time. Clearly I speak from experience when I say once burned, twice learned...I'm going to be a lot more picky in the future.

Happy weekend,

Alexis

Almost 30: What's a girl to do?

2011-08-25T07:17:00.000-05:00

Summer is drawing to a close, September 1st is coming near, Labor Day weekend, no more wearing white, blah blah blah...NOT SOON AFTER, I'LL BE TURNING 30! That is the big news story in these parts, my friend. And believe me, although I've never panicked about a birthday before, as the weeks wind down there is something seriously eating away at me:

I love this. I love writing, blogging, learning about food, cooking healthy dinners, tweeting, meeting like-minded individuals — it's all so great and fun that I wish I could do it all day, every day. I feel like my creativity is stifled by a lack of time and money. I feel this unmet need to propel myself forward, fast, wildly — to do something unique, ambitious, out of the ordinary.

So although we're still going strong in terms of keeping up with my Mid-Year's Resolution — and typically a third of all resolutions are broken within the first month, already putting me ahead of the curve — it's almost as if I feel that now that I've "mastered" that, I need something more. I want to use that momentum and all that I'm studying these days with regard to awareness, inquiry and my relationship with food to build something bigger, more interesting and perhaps even more revealing...

Ha! You thought I was going to tell you right here, right now what the plan is. PSYCH. (Yeah, I just said that.) And while I'd love to say that it's a major blog redesign, sponsors, support, et cetera, I think that will still have to wait. But I think you'll like this...and it will definitely mean even more posts, hopefully more recipes and certainly a more direct connection between what's going on in my life and how that relates to what I'm eating, drinking and how I'm moving my body.

Does this mean it will be the Year of Digging? (Going deeper, reflecting more, becoming more introspective?) Or perhaps the Year of Youth, watching reruns of thirtysomething, buying expensive wrinkle creams and giving up sugar? I'm not quite sure yet, but I'm getting closer to a more precise definition. There's no time like the present to commit, reevaluate and go for it! And that's what I'll be doing — something, every day, to bring me closer to my goals.

Do you have a birthday coming up? Or, better yet, ideas for me and what I should do (keep in mind I have a small child!) to celebrate the big 3-0? Let me know! I'd love to hear from you.

Besos,

Alexis

Remember your natural state

2011-08-24T18:11:00.000-05:00

In a lot of my reading and discussions lately I've been repeatedly pointed to the fact that our bad habits, particularly as they relate to food, are learned behaviors, not innate ones. I think this is important, especially as we work on inquiry and why we are the way we are with regard to food.

For example, one might analyze my spending habits now that we're sticking to this food budget and objectively see that although it might appear that I've conquered one demon (what I spend at restaurants and grocery stores), it's almost as if I'm going overboard by picking on the theme as a whole, finding another broken place to "mend" (hacking away at my budget as a whole, suddenly feeling like I'm one wrong move from being poor and destitute) — at the beginning of this challenge, I was spending money on things I didn't even need simply because I had a coupon and it was on sale. Thus I told myself I was saving, not spending foolishly. I felt like a demon, possessed.

As Geneen would say, it's time I return to myself.

I may have a tendency to be the caretaker, the martyr, the one who takes in all of the proverbial stray dogs, but that, too, is a learned behavior. That, too, is a mask for some other feeling that's taking me away from my self, and each time I can recognize that, it's a reminder to turn right back around and find myself again. Not in a new-age woo-woo sort of way, but in the way of awareness. Being awakened to the impulse to diet, deprive, lose weight at all costs, belittle every compliment, talk down to oneself incessantly. These are all unnatural states; these are all learned — and negative — behaviors.

Think about the last time you looked in the mirror. Did you insult, albeit in your head, your skin or stomach or thighs? Are you constantly striving, constantly trying harder and harder, fighting against your natural or "happy" weight, just because of a number or a size or a goal you refuse to let go of? Have you ever stopped to think about and feel what it's like to always be in that constant state of never-good-enough? Sure, you can never be too healthy — but you CAN be too thin (and too rich, for that matter).

When we slowly recognize our natural states — of ease with food, recognizing hunger, enjoying moving our bodies, only eating until satisfied — we change our bodies and our lives. Taken from Women Food and God:

"For many years, I knew how important loving myself was, yet could only access the idea through my intellect, never my heart."

We've learned, again, to ignore our feelings. 'Mind over matter. Don't cry. People who wear their hearts on their sleeves are weak, usually women, usually overly sensitive.' Not true! It is natural and human and necessary to walk through life feeling our feelings, acknowledging them and honoring them.

Be more aware and focused as you go through your day today — just today, one day — and notice the actions you take, your thoughts and your words that feel forced, unnatural or uncomfortable. Maybe jot down a few awkward moments in a journal, and come back to it the next day from a different perspective: What do these awkward moments say about you? What do they make you realize you believe? That you can't share your feelings with X friend or Y family member? That you believe you think too much about Z subject? Who's to say any of what you think is true? Isn't it just that, what you think?

One of my favorite quotes right now, which I repeat to myself often, is "We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are" (Anais Nin). If you have time for it, meditate for just five minutes on this after you finish the above exercise. Any unmet feelings that have created beliefs, thoughts or expectations in your mind may start to reveal themselves to you, which helps on this journey along the self-awareness path.

Get back to a more natural state with food. Don't believe yourself when you tell yourself that you can't have a slice of pizza because you're too fat. If you feel hungry — a completely normal, natural feeling — and you want pizza — want or desire, another completely natural experience — eat the slice of pizza. Stop when you're satisfied, at your natural stopping point (don't worry; with practice, you'll grow more and more accustomed to what that is), and be done with it. Don't force or fight away, thereby belittling, your innate sensations.

It's just one step, but it helps — and it also helps to remember that it's the process, not the goal, that counts (the journey, not the destination). This is where we learn about ourselves AND start to enjoy each little step and moment along the way. Watching our children learn to walk. Tasting the food and realizing you've had enough. Feeling the cool breeze and the sunshine and realizing that everything will be okay.

Equal and opposite possibilities

2011-08-18T07:00:00.001-05:00

Hello, dear friends,

I haven't had as much time to write and edit this week as I'd like, but I have three posts waiting in the wings, including this one, and this post in particular covers an issue that keeps coming to mind while I am both at work and at play.

Many people young and old have very heartfelt opinions on the topic of the law of attraction, or desire backed by faith, or the philosophy that "thoughts become things." And for some reason, when I am brought to think about this concept either through my writing and editing or through a leisure activity like listening to Podcasts, it is so easy for me to see the negative way that this can play out:

Let's say it's the dead of winter, and you're at a playgroup with your child. Child A has a cold; he chews on a book; Child B picks it up and hands it to your child. Immediate reaction: Dammit. My kid's gonna get sick.

And what happens? Your child comes down with a cold, you catch the cold, your whole house ends up with the cold. Is it because you created that possibility in your mind? Is it because you sat there for 48 hours thinking "I'm going to get sick, I'm going to catch that cold, I think I'm coming down with something"? (Or is it a simple law of science and bacteria: It travels from point A to point B, or Child A to Child B in this case, and that's the only explanation?)

Regardless of what you believe, I hope you see where I'm going with it: Why is it that it's so easy for us to, per se, create the possibility of catching a common cold in our minds and our bodies (may I point you to the studies on heart disease and hostility?) but that much more difficult for us to "fake it till you feel it" — or, in other words, to create happiness, good things, positivity, and believe that our dreams will come true?

Let's take weight loss as another example. The diet and weight-loss industry is a multi-billion-dollar industry every year. How many diets have you been on? One after the other, perhaps, like a hamster on a wheel? Isn't that what these companies (even authors, dare I say) are banking on? That you'll take their pills, and maybe see some small results, so then you'll want to start trying their powders and shakes, too, and their meal plans, and their on-line personal trainers and line of fitness equipment? All the while, you're holding on to this idea of weight — that you're always, constantly striving to lose weight — when maybe all you really need to do is join me on this more rewarding journey of coming to terms with your relationship with food, diet and exercise and being happy where you are. Maybe gaining a few pounds at first, but really getting to know yourself, allowing yourself to be comfortable around food again, giving yourself permission to eat what you want, when you're hungry, until you're satisfied, and eventually settling at a comfortable place — where you're no longer ruled by food cravings, "good" and "bad" foods and the number on the scale?

I'm hoping that now that I'm becoming more aware of this, I can slowly stop telling myself the negative stories of lack and foolishness and self-consciousness that I've built up for years and years and begin to see that it's NOT just the negativity that we have the power of drawing to ourselves in our lives but also the amazing, endless world of health and wealth and positivity that we can gain by subscribing to this equal and opposite possibility — perhaps through gratitude, perhaps through love, certainly through awareness, hard work and presence.

If you are an eternal optimist, please leave me a comment! I know we all have our moments...but I'd love to hear from someone who is uncannily unaware of the negative consequences of our thoughts and beliefs, even if almost to a fault. I think a lot of people would call that naivety, but guess what? They're probably the pessimists.

Another piece of the puzzle falls into place...

2011-08-13T16:36:00.000-05:00

Ever had a conversation with someone or an experience in your life that just completely blew your mind?

I was at the allergist's office today, and I did.

What's that, you say? A life-changing moment occurred at the doctor's office? You see, it goes something like this:

I thought I had written a post on this before, but I couldn't find any evidence to back that up, so as you may or may not know, I get what they call cholinergic urticaria when I exercise without taking an antihistamine prior. Basically what that means is that I get super, super itchy all over my stomach, back, legs and arms if I don't take some form of allergy medication before taking a walk, jogging in the park or running on the treadmill. Sounds crazy, I know, but I've had it all my life and as stupid as this sounds, until I was married I thought it was completely normal. Why would I have suspected anything, if I'd been dealing with it all my life? Say what you will, but I've been controlling it for about eight years now, and it's fine. Over-the-counter antihistamines have no long-term side effects, so great.

But what's completely wacky is that I just found out today that not only can this condition actually also result in anaphylactic shock, just like my food allergies, but it can ALSO be triggered by getting into a super-cold swimming pool, taking a cold shower or...

SWIMMING IN A LAKE AT SUMMER CAMP.

Yeah.

So, I was maybe 10 years old, and it was my one and only experience at sleep-away camp, and it came time for the swim test. Now, I'm an excellent swimmer. I used to kick ass at butterfly — kids in older age groups, junior Olympic coaches had their eyes on me, the whole nine — but this was...different. The second I got in the water, I knew something was wrong. Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I was gasping, gulping for air. I waved my arms. I tried to yell out that I couldn't, that I couldn't do it, it was too cold.

"Just keep going!" One of the moronic camp counselors screeched back at me. "Everybody has to do the swim test. It's mandatory."

No, seriously, guys. I'm, like, drowning over here?

I must have somehow made it clear that I was not going anywhere except down, and someone came over and rescued me in a boat after what felt like an eternity. Suffice it to say, I got out of taking the "mandatory" swim test — and, apparently, was just seconds away from real danger.

Holy. Crap.

This honestly happened 20 years ago. And at the time, probably the only word I knew and thought it could be was that I was hyperventilating — I don't know, it was cold, and I couldn't swim. I couldn't hack it. I can still picture in my mind that lake, the dock, the boat, everything. And ultimately, I felt like a wuss that day. A failure. The one weak kid who couldn't pass the swim test, which was probably a five-minute swim, if that.

Little did I know, this was just another part of this strange medical condition I've had all my life, and only by asking one simple question today at the doctor's office was I made aware of how dangerous it can really be — and how close I was to going into severe shock in the middle of a wooded campground in the middle of nowhere.

So what's the message? I think it's to ask questions. Be curious. Right away, I spewed out a battery of other questions this morning — is it genetic? Did I pass this on to my son? And it filtered into other areas of my treatment at their facility — how careful should I be about foods that are "packaged in a plant that also produces peanuts"? Which allergy pills work the fastest? It was one of the most rewarding conversations I've ever had with any of my healthcare providers, and with all the random illnesses and conditions I've had to deal with in my life thus far (mono, hyper/hypothyroidism, viral meningitis, the list goes on), believe me when I say I've interacted (and do on a daily basis at work) with plenty of doctors, nurses and physicians' assistants in all types of medicine and preventive care.

I feel like an episode of that show on Discovery Health where they explain a melange of crazy symptoms, eventually diagnose the disease and at the end urge every last viewer to get a second opinion, ask questions, trust your instincts if you feel like something is wrong. And apparently, it's never too young to start. I realize for some people there may be a fine line, especially in this day and age with the internet and WebMD and all that, between being curious and verging on becoming a hypochondriac, so know thyself — but most of the time, when it comes to your health you can never be too cautious. At least now I know how vitally important it is for me to take my medication every day, even if I'm just going to be walking around at an event, walking through a giant parking lot or chasing after my runaway dog (or child — he just started walking today, talk about mind-blowing!). Allergy shots can be annoying, time-consuming and expensive, but if I hadn't been curious even just about potentially saving money and backing down to twice-monthly instead of weekly shots, I'd never know what really happened that day at the lake.

Do you have any unexplainable symptoms or weird health conditions you've been dealing with over the years? Leave a comment in the box below — and go see your doctor!

Disappointing night out; cycles; remembering the bottom line

2011-08-12T07:15:00.000-05:00

We've been trying to take advantage of the last days of summer by keeping our days packed with outdoor activities, so last night we stopped by a different farmer's market than usual and picked up a huge zucchini and three peppers for only $6 total. Having spotted a Mexican restaurant for the second time that we wanted to try, I offered the option of having some chips and drinks — but my husband wanted a full meal, so I gave in.

What a disappointment!

Not only was everything too spicy (even the "mild" salsa), but also, my shredded beef dish had cloves in it, which I've always found to be disturbing even though I know it's traditional in many recipes. How could I have forgotten to ask about that? So I'm kicking myself now for two things: Not sticking to my guns and just enjoying some margaritas, and ordering something without putting my culinary knowledge to use. What. A. Waste.

And although I was about to say that Mexican food always makes me feel over-stuffed and full, I realize it's that I just eat too much of it — apparently, even if I don't like it — and I eat the tortilla chips, even though I'm allergic to corn! I know I've said this before, but I must sound like a crazy person purposely throwing caution to the wind and (irresponsibly) consuming something I know I'm allergic to. No real side effects, of course — I'm not highly allergic — but once I realized what I was doing I did start having sort of a psychosomatic reaction, which is the way it always goes with me. SO not worth it, so I need to remember this next time I'm at a Mexican restaurant...if there is a next time. Sometimes I think it's just better to avoid those situations period, if it just ends up being a trigger.

Which brings me to my other realization, which is how my eating habits are so cyclical...I can't say how often, but I definitely go through phases when I give in to temptation like that, and suddenly there are cookies and ice cream in the house again. I realize how it makes me feel, and I re-establish my commitment to healthy eating for me and my family, too: My son gets excited to eat anything that he hears being unwrapped from plastic, or anything he can shake in a plastic container and make noise. I know I'm making more of a fuss about it than I should, but seriously! It's like my dog, who comes running any time you open up a bag of chips or crackers...that crinkling sound is a dead giveaway. We shouldn't even have that stuff in the house! I want my son to get excited at the sight of a fresh strawberry or blueberry, not a canister of Teddy Grahams or a pack of macaroni.

Hence my renewed commitment. I need to always remind myself to vote with my fork AND my dollar and only purchase/consume products I believe in, not junk just because I want a treat. I know there is room in life for moderation, but what fun is moderation if it makes you feel bad (not guilty, necessarily, but physically bad, heavy, nauseated)? If Lisa Leake can do it for 100 Days with two grown children, I can do it now with my child who still can't even verbally object to what I put in front of him.

So that's the bottom line: You really do have to eat great to be great. Although our night was redeemed by a walk to the park and playground and at least we got out of the house for our little market adventure, sometimes it's the disappointments that lead us back to renewing ourselves and our goals. They're reminders; I was explaining to my husband how next week I'm going to try the local small businesses first for groceries and forgot to explain to him the whole point of it all — that these smaller merchants often have healthier, local, not–mass-produced products.

It's for health. It's for happiness. It's for togetherness, family and feeling good. No sub-par dinner out is worth jeopardizing that!

Intuitive Eating revisited

2011-08-11T07:31:00.000-05:00

Hey all,

You may remember way back when a very brief mention of the book Intuitive Eating, by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. Looking back, I'm not surprised I didn't stick with it; looking to the present day, I'm not surprised now, either, that it's come back to me at the perfect time.

I have been listening to Podcasts old and new from Koren Motekaitis at "How She Really Does It," and I believe she's interviewed Elyse twice now (I'm not even halfway through the second interview). What astonishes me is how far I've come in the past four years in terms of my relationship to food and how I don't believe that this philosophy is a crock any more. I totally believe it now. I buy into it. I regret donating the book to Goodwill!

If you're unfamiliar, intuitive eating is very similar to Geneen's food philosophy, albeit perhaps even more relaxed — during the first Podcast I listened to, Elyse pointed out the difference that although Geneen sets up her readers with a few eating guidelines, Elyse believes there are no hard-and-fast rules when it comes to each individual's relationship to food (and, on a side note, she's completely against meal plans and does not provide them for her clients). If you want to eat and read the paper, eat and read the paper. If you can still actually focus on your food and watch a movie, more power to you. (Elyse does point out that it's extremely difficult to concentrate on and enjoy your food while working on the computer, however, which I agree with as I remember not so fondly shoving bright orange rice cakes down my throat years and years ago as I worked at a dead-end job.) What's similar between the two philosophies is that you really have to get to know yourself around food, do a lot of inquiry, and you can't freak out if you do gain a few pounds at first, like I did, before settling into a peaceful relationship with food and then actually losing weight.

So I know I've talked a lot on the site lately about Geneen Roth and her books, and this whole idea of identifying why we overeat, when we turn to food for comfort or stress release, how it relates to our views of ourselves, our life and the world, but I'm not sure if I mentioned the following:

You have to be ready for this.

A lot of people I know, fellow bloggers included, probably think I'm crazy when I say that you shouldn't give up chocolate; you should make friends with it. You shouldn't give up cookies; you should eat three pounds of cookie dough if that's what you really want and you're hungry, and some day perhaps you'll never want to see another cookie again, or you'll realize that cookies don't make you feel good, and you'll get over your draw and drive to eat cookie after cookie after cookie. But it's true. As I continue to read these books and listen to these Podcasts, I can see how far I've come already — and looking at past posts, I think it's only been about two months since I really started getting into this — I exercise for pleasure now. I do it to spend time with my son, to enjoy the fresh air, the outdoors, the sunshine; to listen to these amazing audio interviews as I go. I listen to my body and I feed it what it wants, even if on some days it's a non–real food Skinny Cow chocolate bar or ice cream for dessert. I've come to identify those wheres and whens in terms of overeating, stress, family gatherings, trigger foods...and I feel so much better for it.

My jeans don't feel as snug. I've stopped weighing myself because — and this is actually why I wanted to write this post — Elyse stated in such a kind, loving and supportive voice that basically no woman should need to know what she weighs, except perhaps a pregnant woman whose doctor wants to make sure the pregnancy is progressing as it should.

Did you hear that? More importantly, Can you believe that? Is your first reaction to that statement, The nerve of that woman?

Then you're not ready.

But I will assure you, this is not some sort of exclusive club; this is not the lazy-girl's guide to "dieting"; this is not the easy way out. And, first and foremost, it's not a free pass, a free-for-all, your permission to stuff your face, go out there and eat whatever you want.

I repeat: If that's what you think it is, you're probably not ready.

Now, I'm not saying that you should give up and get back on the diet horse. Not at all; please don't get me wrong. What I am saying is that you should at least keep this philosophy in mind so that, when you are fed up with years and years (probably about 17, in my case) of losing and gaining and losing and gaining five, 10 or 20 pounds repeatedly, like the hamster on the wheel, and you're tired of fighting an endless battle all the while pushing the real issues under the rug — whether they're as simple as a high-stress job and a family to take care of, or as painful and intense as abuse, physical or verbal — keep this idea at the ready. The idea that you can have a peaceful relationship with diet and exercise, that you deserve to, that food should be both pleasure and fuel, and that you're worth more than a diet, a number on a scale, a binge, a pair of jeans. That you can get out there and live your life, instead of worrying what you look like in a bathing suit or how much you "can" eat on a date with a guy or who's going to say what when you put both mashed potatoes AND creamed spinach on your plate at dinner.

I've even considered changing the name of my blog, my twitter handle, my website, my everything. While part of me sees the truth behind my evolving food philosophy — that healthy eating IS my diet; that healthy foods don't have to be expensive or bland; that exercise should be fun and enjoyable — I also understand how just seeing the word "diet" can be a trigger for some people...that this time it will work...this one is the one...Monday, starting Monday...

...and that's not what they're going to find on this site.

So it's on the table (no pun intended), but I'm going to leave it at that for now. What I really want to get out there is the message that, if you feel you ARE ready for this type of approach, even if you fear you will eat your way from here to Tallahassee, even if you fear you will end up as big as a house, contact me. Let me know. I'd be glad to help you out, find your way through the literature and the tips and the exercises, and share my journey alongside yours.

Blessings!

Continued (more) rules

2011-08-10T13:12:00.000-05:00

I had another "What am I doing?" moment as I wheeled my shopping cart to the checkout line at my local market the other day — Oh God, I thought, let no one I know see me right now.

As my kitchen was already stocked with healthy options (strawberries, blueberries, whole-wheat five-ingredient bread, et cetera), all I was really picking up were some snacks and meals for the baby, who is increasingly perplexing when it comes to what he wants to eat and when. So when he likes something, I buy more of it — even if it currently means those little $1 containers of Ritz crackers, cookies and bear-shaped junk.

Not only that, they were out of my new obsession — coconut-flavored French yogurt — so I also had the regular sugary kind of yogurt in my cart for the boys to share, although I realize "my" version may be no better, in reality — so, basically, I had a cart full of processed food. Treats; what I would possibly call the "bad" stuff; what moderation was invented for.

As a result, I came up with a few more rules that should help me with my cheap healthy-eating Mid-Year's Resolution. They are as follows:

The back-up rule also applies to food items! I can sometimes be a "one-of-each-please" kind of girl — not in the sense that I eat one of each donut, cookie or cake that's put in front of me but in the sense that I like to buy each flavor of juice (all at once if they're on sale), as I did with the snacks for my son. The rule: Only one backup is allowed. He doesn't go through too many containers of crackers or yogurt each week...so why I feel the need to stock up is beyond me. Time to keep this in mind.
Support local businesses first. One of the things Geneen Roth alludes to often is her affinity for health-food stores, responsible labor laws and donation-worthy charities. When I look back on shopping days like this one, it's not so much that I feel like I'm conforming (although it is, in part); rather, it's largely based on the knowledge that smaller stores usually carry more locally grown/produced products that have traveled less to get here and offer me the opportunity to support their small businesses. Locally grown ingredients and small-merchant products are often better for you, too, not just the environment...so I'm going to try, next week, shopping at a couple local stores first, even if it means trying alternative products, not just landing at the chain supermarket every day.
Try cooking for the baby ahead of time. Okay, so he really likes this one Gerber Graduates meal with turkey and rice, and the nanny has sort of guilted me into buying it for him more often than I normally would...but I don't like feeding him things that don't expire until 2013. Ew. Even if I struggle at first to find things he likes, I'd much rather try rice with olive oil and cheese, buttered noodles, anything plain and simple with a little protein. When you put love and kindness into what you cook, it tastes better.

We'll see if I can stick to them...

Fun photo shoot yesterday & a note to the locals

2011-08-08T07:00:00.000-05:00

To all my local followers, if you are unfamiliar with Glancer magazine, make friends with the September issue because I will be in it, with a featured recipe to boot!

I read their cooking segment in the August issue and ripped out the page — not for the recipe, but because there was a little note at the bottom that said something like "Know a good cook? Email us!" So I emailed them about myself, and I proposed a story on using up the last of summer's zucchini bounty. They loved it, and two days later I had a photographer in my kitchen arranging a jar of applesauce around my tray of little mini muffins. It was kind of fun to put on a pair of jeans and imagine the crisp fall weather that is to come once the issue is mailed...I have an upcoming post planned on how I just can't shake my craving for those dropping temperatures again, so this was perfect timing.

Hope everyone's week starts off well...I am purposefully ignoring the thunderstorm forecast here. It shall be a beautiful day!

Weekend update

2011-08-05T10:43:00.000-05:00

Hi all,

So I know the last couple posts have been more related to the food and finance books I'm currently reading. What happened to the budget, you ask? Well, we are doing pretty good this week and should even have money left over for a trip to Great Harvest for their awesome honey whole-wheat bread tomorrow, even after our planned Friday treat of take-out tonight (using a coupon from the local neighbor boy). We may even check out a local bakery we've spotted several times but haven't had the funds to stop in since this project started — I don't know why I'm not expecting anything spectacular, but my husband wants to go so we'll report back if we make it.

Although a really wretched phone call just attempted to totally ruin my day, we did get a walk in this morning — later rather than our usual before-eight routine — and it was particularly nice to see the park all abuzz with activity, the firemen washing their trucks down, all the guys cutting the grass at the co-op farm across the street; it made me want to make time to get more involved in the community somehow since it really is such a nice place where I live. I've come to realize lately that it's very important to invest in what you value and believe in, and keeping that in mind I think will help me stick to my overall budget this month, not just the food budget.

We have some lovely organic romaine lettuce, bocconcini and a variety of organic grape/cherry tomatoes to use for a salad on Saturday, but I'm not sure about Sunday yet. Any exciting plans out there? Let me know!

Want what you want

2011-08-04T17:00:00.001-05:00

I know I have some male followers, and although I'm about to pose a question I believe mostly women would relate to, I wonder if men ever feel the same way: Why do we question (question, doubt, dismiss) our wants? Don't you ever catch yourself thinking off-handedly about, say, wanting to go to a workshop, or a concert, or wanting fried chicken for dinner, and before one single second is up, the thought is already, somehow, mysteriously gone? Not just gone, but consciously or subconsciously dismissed?

It occurred to me the other day as I was sitting here reading another excerpt from Lost and Found that I would love to hear the author speak in public. But apparently I had already made up my mind that that would never happen, because as quickly as the thought came to me, it was about to slip out of my head again.

So this time, I stopped it.

This time, I found myself wondering: Is it because of the money? Is it because I think of it as something frivolous? Something my husband wouldn't "get," wouldn't understand, would secretly criticize and question? Do I think I'm better off than the women who do go to food workshops and thus I wouldn't fit in, would get strange looks? (And the question behind all of these questions — thank you, Martha Beck — to any sane mind that stops to think about it, is, So?)

I was shocked at how many excuses I could come up with to avoid giving in to one simple request, a human, emotional want, a desired course of action.

After all, it wasn't like I was thinking, I'd like to join the Army, or I'd like to be a famous actress.

But what if I did want those things?

Why, if I want to sit in the house and watch movies this afternoon, will I brush it off and do other mundane, everyday chores instead, like picking up all the newspapers around the house and tossing them in the recycling bin? What's wrong with a day filled with movies? Why am I so eager to shun my impulses; what is it that has me so conditioned against trusting my instincts? Because that's really what it boils down to, whether it relates to food, money, spirituality or love — I'm noticing this everywhere now. I fight it. The truth, whatever's inside of me, whatever I want — I assume it's wrong. I'm wrong. There's something better, or someone better out there who would do something better or do IT better than me. Rubbish! So this is what I've come to realize:

My world has got to get bigger.

I have to stop dismissing my habits, my talents, my wants, my goals, my desires, as things that are not possible or are impossible or are too far off to do anything concrete about right now or today. I need to dine where I want to dine, do what I want to do, listen to the music I want to listen to. I need to go to the park and help my son learn to walk. I need to expand, grow up, grow outside of myself, give in to my every whim — to the art and imagination and worth inside of me.

And by the same token, I really need to stop myself from doing all the things I'm not that into, either. I don't mean changing diapers or paying bills, but think about this the next time you're watching mindless television — unless that's "your thing" — is there something else you'd rather be doing? Not just in the context of what you should be doing, but anything, so as not do be doing this? Think about the things in your life that are just okay, but not great — not stimulating, not challenging, not joyful or enjoyable. Something as small as the kind of shampoo you use to wash your hair with, or what you're planning for dinner tonight, or who you're spending your time with over the weekend. Is it okay for it to just be okay? Is there a pathway out of mediocrity that's paved with sparkles and glitter, giggles and joy?

I know, that may sound exhausting, or even childish. But there are no strings attaching you to anything or anyone else. You can grow big, tower over your fears and the old you as The Future You, the Present you, giant and puffy and full of joy like a float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. Living and doing and being. There is time in the day to live. I can find it, and I can fill it with wonderful things to live through, do and be.

Practice being present today, and identify in you every thought that gets dismissed, every want that would otherwise go unnoticed, unvalidated. Pay attention to it. Feed it. Nourish it. It may be what leads you to your next wonderful moment, and the one after that and the one after that.

It is there, waiting. Want it, feel it, long for it, but don't dismiss it— whatever IT is.

Bringing food awareness to the financial world

2011-08-03T07:05:00.000-05:00

I cannot say enough about Geneen Roth's books. I know that I probably sound like some sort of paid advertisement at this point, but it's like connecting with a friend or a lover — you know you're on to something. This is big. It's love at first page. I read, re-read, take out from the library, purchase, underline, star, dog-ear pages, think about starting my own group...and I don't even consider myself to be that screwed up.

So you can imagine my delight as I'm reading Lost and Found and discovering things about myself and my nature that clearly need exploring, just like the author herself identifies with urges to shop, longing for material objects, going around and around buying and trying not to buy and convincing and trying to ignore the convincing. I've never been a "binge" shopper, but I do have a habit of returning things...buyer's remorse, I suppose, and although it's usually before I've worn something and even sometimes because the item is defective, something's not right. I figure I need to analyze this. I need to think about it. I need to understand my feelings about money just like I'm starting to with regard to food, diet, love and spirituality.

The one thing I wanted to point out today was this weird feeling I got after emailing my financial advisor yesterday. And thanks to being more aware of what I was thinking and feeling in that moment, I caught myself in sort of a nervous hyperactivity. I just emailed this woman. I kind of don't want her to email me back. But yes, I want her to email me back, because if she doesn't, then that means I'll have to call her. I shouldn't bother her. I'm so small peanuts to her. To everyone. In the grand scheme of things. Why do I even have a financial adviser? I have no finances. Nothing has changed. Nothing is changing.

Except things are always changing, and anyone with money could probably use someone to help them figure out what to do with the money, whether it's $100 or $10,000.

My mortgage specialist finally emailed me back yesterday also, and that set me off on another tangent. Within three seconds I noticed that I was looking away from the computer screen, tense, imagining putting off the phone call that I could easily have taken otherwise.

So why do I feel this way? For that matter, why do I feel the urge to gather up coupons, buy things I don't necessarily need right-this-minute with them, then feel guilty about the whole thing? Am I just trying to provide for my family? In trying so "save," I'm actually spending? It's like a post I wrote a ways back...why do something if it doesn't make you feel good? Sounds like a question for my therapist. Dear doctor, why do I feel guilty when I buy shower gel? Wouldn't it be more fun if I were buying, say, that summery Coach purse I've had my eye on for a couple months now? Now that's splurge-worthy and guilt-worthy. Again, back to the small peanuts feeling. I think money makes me feel small.

It feels like ever since I got married and have been "on my own," ie, not living under Daddy's roof, the world has progressively gotten smaller. Maybe, in part, that's why I had to stop in my tracks and recognize that every time I would go over to their house for a family event/dinner, I would stuff my face and feel uncomfortably full by the end of the night, as if every day were Thanksgiving Day. Ah, here, look around me, I have everything, whatever I want, cheese, nuts, wine, chocolate, ice cream, cake, potatoes...Take it all in, enjoy it now, while it lasts, while it's free...It's like that protective part of me, protective of my spouse, myself and now my son, wants to huddle everything in close around us, hold my cards to my chest, don't dare ever reveal what I have or don't have in this hot little hand of mine. Money, food, love, whatever it is. It's yours now, and no one else's, so protect it. Hide it. But that's no good. The world is meant for expanding and for living, not for shutting in and shutting down.

In the past when I would tell friends about my job or my home, looking back it doesn't matter what they thought, but I felt — and I know — that it was as if I was over-broadcasting the things in my life because I was actually scared of losing them or I was unhappy with them in the first place. Look, this is what I have. Sometimes, even, this is what my mother has. I come from this. I am fine. I am good. Trying to convince myself of something that, apparently, I didn't believe. So sad. So very sad.

But now that I'm recognizing these things, and I have to force myself to say them out loud, I can realize how right Geneen is, how much of a genius I think she is for putting these things out there, helping people like me to understand how our beliefs and our values are reflected in everything we think and do and buy and eat. And although I've heard enough times now to know that you don't have to immediately focus on changing those things about yourself, awareness is key. It is, dare I say it, the first step.

What do you believe about yourself? That there won't ever be enough? Food? Money? Closeness to God, your family, or your children? Why do you believe that? Whose voices are the voices that have instilled these messages in your head? It's heavy stuff, I know, but I think it's amazing. And my hope for each and every one of you is that there will always be enough love, there will always be enough money, there will always be enough food and none of us should ever be made to feel like we're scrambling, scraping, grasping or clutching. You make the love you feel for yourself or your spouse or your daughter "enough" love. You make the choices that help you identify and come to terms with — if that's even possible — any feelings of lack that you do feel. And hopefully, yes, hopefully, this IS the first step, or a step, one of many steps.

Feeling the feelings of being present, whether it means noticing something you're uncomfortable with or taking stock of the beauty, fullness and wholeness in an everyday moment or occurrence, can affect you in this way if you want it to.

It is not a pathway of new-age optimism or flowery prose.

It is as simple as enjoying life, for as many minutes as you can, out of every day you can — and then doing it all over again tomorrow.

Month 2

2011-08-02T08:55:00.000-05:00

So excited (probably too excited) to announce that both agave and maple syrup were on sale at Whole Foods yesterday...it's so nice to finally enjoy my real-food mocha again, and no more brown sugar in my husband's morning coffee...yay!

Although I'm really determined to stay in the green this month, I'll admit I did spend $80 of my "extra" money already — while at Whole Foods we purchased romaine lettuce for two dinners, some mozzarella cheese that was on sale for the salad, two containers of organic pancake batter (weekend breakfasts that are sure to take me back to my childhood), some cheddar cheese for slicing/sandwiches, bread, cereal for my son, organic zucchini and raspberries, baked chips, yogurt and probably some other stuff I'm forgetting — but I had several coupons, so we also took advantage of a sale on Seventh Generation Free and Clear detergent. I picked up two bottles with two coupons. I really like it when I can support companies that produce environmentally (and family) friendly products.

We were also out of espresso, so I used a coupon to get that at Bed, Bath & Beyond, and in the afternoon we made a trip to Best Buy to sign up for a $20 phone plan. Yep, just $20. A YEAR! Seriously, I'm not kidding! It sounds silly, but I have only heard good things about Magic Jack, which works over the internet like similar companies, although with one of the others you have to invest $200 up front. So we're going to try this, since I was already planning on splitting up my phone/TV/internet anyways, and no harm no foul if it turns out to be a dud — but I have faith. They sell about 50 a week at my local Best Buy, and the sales guy said rarely does anyone come back with a problem. I researched it on line, too, and didn't come up with anything alarming...fingers crossed. I have a similar cell phone plan and have never had a problem.

Hope your week started off great. I felt kind of funny after my trip to CVS today for some non-food items that were on sale/with coupons because now I'm reading Lost and Found by Geneen Roth, and I totally feel my adrenaline pumping like she does when she's shopping (hmm, what does that say about me? Must finish book). Given I may only spend $50 in one trip instead of the $1,000 she was tempted to drop on a pair of eyeglasses, but still — at least yesterday I was able to remind myself that I can't really buy in bulk right now and bought the smaller container of baby wipes, which is all I really need, instead of the bigger one just because they were both on sale. We also tried to go to Walmart again yesterday (big mistake)...second time I walk out of there with absolutely nothing. #1, nothing "they" ever say is on sale (from the coupon websites) is ever marked as on sale, which had us scratching our heads and wondering if it's just their "Everyday Low Prices" that we're supposed to know, comprehend, and compare to other stores? and #2, I just hate going there. It reeks of Subway and some moron almost hit us in the parking lot.

So although the CVS purchases were "necessities" — shower gel for my husband (he says he doesn't care when we have soap only, but I think that's untrue and so buying this feels like treating him), toothpaste, a body exfoliator for me (which I only use twice weekly) and shampoo — it still made me feel guilty. Now will I have enough to pay for X? Will I have to return Y? So I've come up with some rules to help keep me focused on what's important.

Keep all receipts. I started throwing them out for everyday items, but lest I forget the moldy butter and expired yogurts I've wound up with before. From here on out, I'll just have to destroy them at a later date.
Only keep one backup product in the house at all times, including trial sizes and/or child versions of the product (toothpaste, toothbrushes, shampoo, body wash, etc). Most trial sizes can get you through a week, and having four bottles of laundry detergent just feels wrong. It feels like hoarding, albeit on a minute scale. There will always be more coupons. And, having faith that you will always have enough instead of scrambling around to get more-more-more sends a very powerful message to your subconscious and the universe. It's a fine line to walk, for me, feeling smart versus the coupon craze, so I have to watch out.
Only coupon shop on Saturdays, unless a coupon is about to expire for a necessity that doesn't often come with a coupon. I wish I got multiple copies of the newspaper for all the baby wipes I buy because those coupons are rare and only come one at a time. But putting off shopping to Saturdays will accomplish so much: I'll get to do more fun (free and productive) stuff with my son during the week; my husband loves to run errands with us on the weekends; and that way I'm not spending lots of cash right out of the gate each week. Using coupons for stuff I need during the week is fine, but none of this taking advantage just to have backups (see 2, above). I think this will make a big difference.
Sounds obvious, but any unexpected costs must come out of another budget for that month, unless it's small enough that it won't greatly affect the next month's rollover or the overall budget. I don't mean an extra doctor's appointment has to come out of the "Gift" budget (honesty is still a priority too, of course); I mean then the Gift budget or whatever will have to be reduced by that extra amount that was spent elsewhere. I used to not want to touch the values in Mint because they continue month to month, but I'll just have to make note elsewhere if I can bump it back up the next month. This should greatly assist the overall budget instead of just looking at categories on an individual basis, and I need to start seeing the patterns of where we go over (not in the food department any more, thank God!) so that we can build in extra for THOSE areas, duh! It will be hard when I go way over in things like "Bills and utilities," like we did last month, but I'm going to try to change that at least a little today with the phone.

Wow. Sounds like a lot of fish to fry. But I am committed; I have to be — for my own sense of accomplishment, yes, but more for my family. This is NOT like a diet. It's just like my food philosophy — healthy, whole foods are my diet, my way of living, my lifestyle. That's how it has to be in terms of enjoying saving and being thrifty, too: If you feel like it's a sacrifice, it will never last. And you know what? Last month, for the first time in I don't know how long, I actually did work out "most days." Why? Because I decided to walk once or twice a day instead of forcing myself to run. You know running and I have a mostly love-to-hate relationship. Wanting to get out there and strut my stuff just because I look cute in my little headband does not make up for hating every step when I'm seriously sweating. I'm eating less and sleeping better, so this is the area that deserves more attention now.

On another high note, this morning I did realize that my iPod Touch is the perfect place to keep a running list of prices so that I can compare if necessary...I must say, I am partial to Target, but a rock-bottom price is a rock-bottom price, and even places like Amazon sometimes will surprise you.

Okay, enough rambling. Happy Tuesday!

A conversation, a calendar & a great bottom-of-the-barrel recipe

2011-07-31T10:19:00.000-05:00

So yesterday, I don't remember how the conversation turned to the $5 left in my wallet, but nevertheless it did and my husband turned to me and said, "Are we really that bad off right now?"

I was kind of hoping he'd ask and not the least bit surprised, so I was pleased that it gave me a chance to explain to him that no, it's not that, I'm just trying to be strict with the money because otherwise a little extra here and a little leeway there turns into this big snowball effect and I end up not managing our money wisely.

We spoke a bit more, about ways to save, his first inkling being to take a part-time job on the weekends, and I tried to reiterate that that isn't the point — the point is to do better with what we have, to continue spending time together as a family and to communicate more about these issues. I want him to feel included. I appreciate his input. I can't take all the responsibility by myself sometimes, nor do I want to.

It was refreshing and reassuring, and tomorrow being the start of the month makes the timing all the more essential.

One of the examples I gave him about saving not having to be sacrificing was this want I had for a dry-erase calendar (with room for notes) to hang on the fridge. I have about three calendars going at all times, which may not be very efficient, but I don't like to mix work and play, and I don't really think tacking my bills up on the fridge with magnets will do the trick either. So this one had to be for things like errands I need to run when, cleaning chores I need to do by day/week, reminders to hit the ATM on Thursdays for the nanny, et cetera. I put the item on my shopping list, but then I remembered: free-printable-calendars.com! There's one style on there I particularly like, so I printed one out for August and hit the ground running. Change doesn't have to feel like sacrifice, I told the hubs. You can't get nervous or tense just because we ran out of puffs for the baby and he's turning his nose up at bananans but we have no strawberries right now. He's not starving! We're fine! We just need to stop overspending, and perhaps a little of my enthusiasm can rub off on him so that we're both enjoying finding creative ways to save AND spend more time together, appreciating what we have instead of feeling the lack of something we don't.

By the same token, I was determined to show the family that our meager fridge remnants didn't mean a sad, sorry dinner! With half a dozen eggs, two sweet potatoes and some thyme from my pathetic salmon cakes I made a delicious frittata, which we enjoyed with some organic local Lacinato kale chips and a glass of red wine. Although for some reason the baby didn't even want to try the sweet potatoes, we enjoyed it thoroughly and there's even a quarter left over for lunch today. I have plans for tomorrow already in terms of picking up what I need at a discount (allergy medicine and coffee, for one), and altogether these advances make me feel like things are looking up. Month Two of my Mid-Year's Resolution is sure to be smoother than Month One. I just know it.

Happy Sunday! Hope your weekend wraps up nicely.

Weekend blues

2011-07-30T09:23:00.000-05:00

I don't know how, but it seems like I always manage to spend all my money during the week, "saving up" for our dinner out or takeout on Friday, and we always end up with an empty fridge over the weekend. This week at least I was lucky enough to have to take out an extra $10 from the ATM when we went to pick up the money for the nanny, so with that I purchased some Boar's Head rotisserie chicken lunch meat and Wisconsin Swiss cheese — a really yummy combination, actually — but with $5 left in my wallet, either we'll be eating eggs for dinner tonight and bean griddlecakes tomorrow night (with what toppings? There is zilch in the fridge since our clean-out) or I'll have to pick up something cheap and undesirable. We'll see...next week I'm determined to do better.

I was reading a few articles on Oprah.com about eating on $40 a week and how to eat well on a budget, and nothing I read is new to me. It's really kind of depressing. I only buy organic when it counts; I don't buy anything pre-washed or pre-cut unless it's the same size for the same price (or even less money!). Can our one dinner out each week really be killing us? $40 max? That's still supposedly $60 that I have to spend during the week. Maybe I need to research this $40-a-week budget thing more. They made it sound like it was a trend or something.

Anyways, there are two happy things about August in terms of the food budget; one is that Week 1 starts on a Monday, which just makes things feel more perfect to me, and two is that starting a new month also means rolling over all the other budgets, for which I'm also super determined to do better this month, AND there's always a little extra from my $500 budget since each week I allot $100 to food and dining and, of course, simple math, no month has 35 days. Which is a roundabout way of saying that I'll probably spend a little extra this week...except Lord knows how I'll figure out September, when the 1st is a Thursday. Whatever! September is my birthday month. There will be plenty of other things to [not] think about then. I'm already kind of having a nervous breakdown about that.

So enjoy your weekends, little ones; be good...I know I'm trying.

Happy Saturday!

What summer means to me

2011-07-29T08:07:00.000-05:00

Having left you the other day with a briefly melancholy (at least in my head) remark about wanting to enjoy the dog days of summer, it hit me hard again in the afternoon as I spoke with a friend about how I always end up complaining, year after year, how quickly the summer goes by. Like I don't feel I'm doing enough, enjoying enough, "getting out there" — what, I said, like I'm going to go to the pool every day? I mean, what else can I do?

And suddenly it hit me, as I considered what sort of beverage I should serve with dinner (beer, not wine): I have these lists, from SELF and Everyday Food, about what to do during summer, and I've hardly ended up doing anything. You know me and lists. We're like this. And I can't tell you how many times I've said "Oh, I don't buy anything unless a friend or someone has recommended it." Seriously, you have no idea what it took for me to actually settle on a new washing machine last weekend because I read one review from someone who swore that the washer would only run using cold water. (Number one, they probably hooked it up wrong. And number two, do I ever wash anything in hot water anymore? I know I should, but you know what? I don't!) I'm kinda sick of this, feeling like I'm only doing what other people tell me to do (no wonder I abandoned my last project) and only buying what other people say I should buy. But that's beside the point. The point is, only I can say what summer means to me. And although I'm on a budget, there are some simple pleasures I can afford that make me feel more like I'm taking advantage of the hot, sunny days. Dying to know what they are, aren't you! I shan't keep you waiting.

Drink beer. Yes, beer. Don't get me wrong, I love a good glass of red, but there is nothing — nothing — like an ice-cold beer on a hot summer night. Some of my faves are Blue Moon, Negra Modelo and Dos Equis Amber. Crack it open and enjoy it, even if you only have a few sips.
Hit the pool. If you have a pool at your gym or can pay a small fee to get in a local pool, go at least once a summer (much more, of course, if you're a member!). Use plenty of sunscreen, especially on your children, and stay hydrated while you feel the warmth of the sun on your back. We as humans need at least 15 to 20 minutes of sun a day to get that vitamin D in our blood!
Eat seasonal foods. I don't know about you, but there is no season when I look more forward to eating than summer! Just thinking about all the berries, watermelon and tomatoes makes me drool. I refuse to eat watermelon during the winter (we usually switch to grapefruit from Texas), and I try to stay away from tomatoes during the off season, too, although my husband is somewhat of an addict and will eat them no matter where they come from, even if he has to complain about their lack of flavor. I missed the ramps, plums and rhubarb this year, but hey — seriously — gives me something to look forward to next year. I'm not joking!
Take a vacation, if you can. Remember why they call them summer vacations? Think back to when you were in school, and you had the whole lazy summer sprawled out before you. Did you take road trips with the family? Maybe hit Florida, or an island? If we go anywhere it won't be until Labor Day, which disappoints me, but hopefully it will still feel hot here and most schools won't start up again until after. Something about all the neighborhood kids going back to school every year depresses me...I think I was too much of a nervous nellie during most of my school years (which probably caused me to rebel later!). I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger...
Tend to your garden, if you have one. This may be my last year "gardening," as I have managed to kill everything except some little house plant my sister bought for me when we moved in four years ago. If the third time's the charm, I'd hate to see what my next, fourth, attempt would look like. But if you can grow any beautiful flowers or food for your family, do it! If I had the time and money, I'd invest in raised beds and the best seeds I could find. Martha Stewart has some great resources on the subject. Some day, when the time is right, I may start off small again with some potted herbs or more tulips, but for now I'm closing up shop. Do as I say and not as I do!
Eat outside. Our deck and patio are both in shambles, but when I'm not cooking I prefer an outdoor dining experience. No matter what you're eating, I'll bet you'll enjoy it more if you sit outside to do it — on a balcony, a front stoop, at a picnic table or wherever the wind takes you.
Go out for ice cream. Please! Do! If you want to, that is. Now that I'm reading these Geneen books nonstop, it's really easy for me to decide when I want a treat and when I really just want to go for a walk. If you have a local place nearby, though, that's the best way to do it — walk there and back, so at least you're burning off some of the calories!
Be lazy. I struggle with wanting to be outside a lot during the summer but am forced to stay cooped up inside working — yet some days it's just too dang hot. So make a point once in a while to stay in, do nothing, if you can, and enjoy the AC. Get your lunch delivered to the office one day instead of fighting your way through the crowds and steam on the hot city streets. Stay home and watch movies. Turn the air up so high for a couple hours that you have to wear your winter pajamas and socks (but just for a few hours; I'm not encouraging rampant wasting of energy!). It's so easy to do nothing SOMETIMES — and I find that's especially true on hot weekend afternoons.
Go out for morning and evening walks. Whether it's to the ice cream parlor or not, get out there when it's cooler (use natural bug spray if you must) and take advantage of the early/late hours to get two shorter, more comfortable workouts in instead of baking in the afternoon sun, trying to run and being miserable. Get out of the gym! Get out of your basement! Work out outside, but drink water, wear a hat/sunglasses and, most of all, enjoy yourself.
Find someone who has a convertible, and go for a ride! Okay, don't just jump in the car with anyone you find on the street, of course, but man, I miss my husband's little silver bullet. That one summer here he had a convertible, I can still remember driving around and enjoying the breeze both day and night. If you don't know anyone who can take the top down, pick a day when it's not sweltering, roll down the windows, open the sunroof and blast some summer music — which leads me to my next point:
Make sure you listen to summertime music only! Aren't there certain songs in your vault that will always remind you of summers past? Here are some of my favorites: Big Head Todd and the Monsters "It's Alright"; Willy Porter "Angry Words"; Dave Matthews Band "Pig" or "American Baby" (but pretty much anything by Dave Matthews will do!); All-American Rejects "It Ends Tonight"; Alicia Keys "Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart"; Amos Lee "Windows are Rolled Down"; Bob Marley "Iron Lion Zion"; Bruce Springsteen "Thunder Road"; Estelle "American Boy"; Jason Mraz "You and I Both"; Kanye West "Good Life"; Miley Cyrus "Party in the USA"; Poi Dog Pondering "Complicated"; Wilco "Jesus, etc." — some are more obvious than others, but all, for one reason or another, feel more appropriate to me during the warmer months.
Watch summertime movies. Yes, there ARE movies that you can only watch in summer. For example: Dazed and Confused and Caddyshack. Trust me on this.
Attend a sporting event. I love summer partly because of baseball games — thank God I'm eating meat again, because I can't resist a hot dog — and walking around the park is a great way to work off some of the fatty foods you're typically served there.
Take a book out from your local library, preferably a work of fiction. I think I must have been a part of some summer reading clubs as an adolescent, because I have these fabulous memories of reading several really engaging books on hot summer days, pretty much wasting my time away indoors instead of in the pool. Some were particularly sad, about best friends who moved away or illnesses in the family, but obviously you can go any route you choose — and if it's not engaging, take it back for something else. Don't waste the summer reading something you'd rather not!

Looking at this list actually makes me feel pretty good, because I've done almost everything on it. Sometimes it just takes a moment to step back and reflect on all of your blessings for you to realize that your station in life is pretty good, no matter the ups and downs. Hope this is the start of a really great weekend for you...try not to lament the demise of July!

Ugh

2011-07-28T07:14:00.000-05:00

So I have most of a beautiful post written on What Summer Means To Me, but I just can't post it right now because I feel the need to address this issue immediately:

Fraudulent Charges.

I have been banking with the same company for about four years, and in that time we've had about as many separate instances of fraudulent charges, which end up weaving you through this annoying process of reporting the fraud, canceling your card, signing papers, making phone calls and lots and lots of general anxiety and aggravation. I hate it.

So I won't give too much time and energy to this negativity, but I have to say, #1, Stupid Mint DOES count "FRAUDULENT CHARGE" as a debit from your account (you have to actually mark it as Exclude From Mint") — I suppose now I'll have to Exclude any credits, when they come through, too, trying to be as honest as possible — and #2, I've said this before and I will be discussing with my husband later doing this once and for all, because it does seem to be helping with the food budget: Paying for nearly EVERYTHING in cash, out of separate envelopes for each budget category.

I find it really annoying that in this day and age with all the technology and "security" we have that we actually have to take a step backwards and start paying with bills and change again, but I suppose it's also the technology that got me here, because someone fraudulently got a hold of my husband's card number and tried to buy all sorts of weird stuff with it. Not only does that piss me off, but it also means if we do decide to go this route, I have to consider things like Should I still use my Target card to get my 5% discount there; I'll have to readjust all my budget numbers and allocate them on Mint to Cash & ATM but use the envelope system here; I might as well start stuffing my mattress. SMH.

So anyways, maybe this is a good thing. You know me, I always have to see the silver lining. Maybe God is trying to tell me, YES! THIS CASH-ONLY FOOD BUDGET THING IS WORKING! USE IT FOR EVERYTHING ELSE, TOO! Seriously, I suddenly feel like He's screaming it at me and I just can't get it through my thick head. But I guess some modern-day conveniences like donating to charities on line and paying for things with the click of a mouse are more than just convenient — they are also risky. It's unfortunate, sad, whatever you want to call it, but I will not let "them" — whoever these miserable crooks are — keep stealing from me. I'm putting my foot down once and for all. I always think of the crime scene technician who came to our house in Miami when we were robbed and told us not to let them take away our dignity, our sense of security and safety. They came in, took our electronics, took my jewelry, took our watches, but they didn't take my spirit, they really didn't. We didn't sleep well for those first few nights, but although I'll never forget that it happened, I think I'm over it by now. I should be; it was years ago.

So I won't let them rile me up any more now, either. We'll discuss it at end of day as a family, and then we'll be done with it.

Over and out.

And the truth comes out

2011-07-27T10:53:00.000-05:00

The bad news is that after a few back-and-forth emails between me and "Eliza" at Mint, I found out that, unfortunately, transfers to credit cards do NOT trend as "spending" transactions on their little graph things, so I still need to shave down my budget somewhat. If all goes according to plan, however, I'll at least be making a couple small changes in August, one to my phone bill and one potentially to my cable provider. Fingers crossed that one works out, because I love free stuff — but more on that later.

The good news is that — fingers and toes and legs and arms crossed! — I may pull out ahead anyways this month, even though apparently my numbers are still a bit wonky. I've adjusted them a bit already, but at least now I know there are more bars and lines I need to watch other than just how I'm doing in each category, and the want-versus-need theme will hopefully shine brightly when it comes to shopping, at the very least. I don't want to have to take money from the "baby supplies" category OR my meager "personal care" fund, but any cuts will certainly have to come out of there before I start getting really creative with gas and other necessities. Not even a month has passed, and yet this has been an incredible learning experience already. Learning about myself and my tendencies, strengths and weaknesses as well as learning about exciting ways to save without sacrificing has been almost like a game — it keeps you on your toes and, although it can be tedious and nerve-wracking at times, it can also be fun and interesting.

Budgeting also seems to make the days and weeks go by more quickly. Not that any of us need to be reminded of how quickly time flies, but I do need to be reminded every so often that the best things in life are free — whether it's being invited to a last-minute baseball game or going for a morning walk with your kids, sometimes I personally need to get out of my head a little bit to remember that life does not revolve around trips to Target and what's on sale at Whole Foods. I have to find that perfect balance between being a bargain hunter and remaining confident that whatever happens, we'll be fine. And I work at it every day — so even if I do get a little too excited about scouting sales on maple syrup and agave, the bottom line is that everyone in my house is safe, happy and healthy. That's a plus whether the day is just packed or you feel like time is standing still, and with summer already winding down, I seem to have suddenly gotten over my longing for fall and am desperate to enjoy the dog days.

A new favorite (and cheap!) lunch staple

2011-07-26T07:18:00.000-05:00

Because I'm being more discriminating about what we buy and keep in the house these days, my lunch options seem to be much more random than usual. I'll make some garlic oil to drizzle over leftover noodles or rice, but if I don't have any tomatoes or other vegetables to add to it (and cheese, of course!), it seems a little bare. Sandwiches don't always sit well with my stomach, so a few times lately I've been left with only one option: Oatmeal!

I have not been a big breakfast eater of late, in my opinion — although I'm realizing now that whole-wheat toast, a real-food mocha and fruit may actually be just fine in terms of calories — but oatmeal always seems too filling for me first thing in the morning. I do have a sweet tooth, however, so when I'm looking around the kitchen for lunch options and also realizing simultaneously that I have no dessert options to follow that, a sweet oatmeal concoction always hits the spot.

Right now I'm slowly getting rid of my brown sugar (we're putting it in our coffee, currently, because neither agave nor maple syrup have gone on sale), so I'll sprinkle a little of that over my oatmeal (cooked with milk), add a drizzle of honey and finally I'll top it with some slivered almonds and whatever fruit I have in the house, such as sliced strawberries, bananas or blueberries. It's REALLY yummy! Although it is the quick-cooking kind, it's plain before I dress it up — no artificial colors, flavorings or preservatives.

I know it's summer and, if you're anything like me oatmeal is probably the last thing you'd think of for any meal, but it can actually be pretty comforting in the middle of the day in a cold, air-conditioned office. Try it this week. You won't regret it!

When saving feels more like sacrificing

2011-07-25T10:53:00.000-05:00

There is a difference, oh yes, there is a difference, between saving and sacrificing, and only one of them is good for you, in my opinion.

Saving is good. Saving makes you feel good; missing out on buying something on a Saturday just to see the price go up on a Sunday stinks. But getting that bargain rectified — for example, going to Target for a price adjustment, even if it's just a couple bucks — that's like a financial pat on the back.

Sacrificing, although often used in religious terms with positive connotations, can make you feel bad when it comes to everyday, repetitive, habitual acts. It's this modern struggle we have between putting others first (she and I, not I and she) and taking care of ourselves. "Indulging" in alone time, a mani-pedi, reading a book instead of doing the laundry — today, these tasks are often looked upon as necessities, not luxuries. And while I agree that a little space for head clearing is most certainly necessary, what I'm really getting at of course relates to food, budgeting and shopping.

I've noticed that since I started this Mid-Year's Resolution to save money and eat more healthfully, I've actually experienced MORE anxiety about money than before. Now, on some levels, I know that makes sense and may even be a good thing — ignorance is not always bliss. However, let me explain some of the differences, specifically related to the innate contrasts between saving and sacrificing.

During these past few weeks, it has felt good to save on food expenses by using only cash for consumables, by sticking to my budget, and by being extra careful about what I buy not just in terms of its value but also with regard to whether or not we actually eat it, how it tastes, whether we enjoy it or whether next time we need to cook it differently, taste it first, try a different brand, et cetera. I'm just a week away from finishing Month 1, and I feel confident and glad that we should be able to come in right at the $500 mark.

At the same time, however, trying too hard to save can actually make you feel like you're sacrificing. Just focusing so much on how much I have to spend, when I can spend it and even just the word "budget" itself can cause tension and anxiety, which, to be productive or helpful in any way has to be manifested in new savings strategies or plans, not adrenaline-filled hours of clipping coupons, matching website sales to fliers and envelopes, buying things I don't need just because they're on sale AND there's an extra 50-cent savings if I use my club card. It's what some call the "dark side" of couponing — a version of hoarding, on a minute scale, just because you can't pass up a deal. But sometimes, passing up that deal on something you normally wouldn't buy or use IS the difference between "saving" on that purchase and "sacrificing" later, when you'll go over budget if you buy that one special item you really wanted because you already spent your money on extra rolls of paper towel and three tubes of toothpaste. Saving is possible for the long haul; I'm not so sure about sacrificing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: When you know you have a problem, and you're doing something to fix it, it's important to support yourself in your efforts and not self sabotage by comparing yourself to others, following trends or falling prey to typical traps and temptations. Know thyself. It can truly mark the difference between saving yourself a lot of grief — and money — and feeling like you've sacrificed too much — whether it's $5, or your sense of self, or your Sunday afternoon. Trust your instincts, decide if something enlarges your life or makes it feel smaller, and don't let it confine you in any way. Enjoy the journey. The destination will always be there, unchanging, no matter what path you take to get there.

A few extras...is it really cheating?

2011-07-24T07:22:00.000-05:00

My husband outright complained yesterday that there was "nothing in the house to eat" (apparently grilled cheese, strawberries and frozen pizza don't count), so I took out $60 in extra cash leftover from my childcare budget this month (I already know what I'll have to pay the nanny for next week, so I left that in there) and we bought two loaves of Great Harvest bread and some cheese/Boar's Head lunch meat for sandwiches during the week. We even "splurged" on a little baggie of potato chips and a Coke, which was actually such a refreshing treat. I don't know if it's just a coincidence, but we're both losing weight on this Mid Year's Resolution, and I think it IS because a) we're buying less junk because we aren't spending as freely at the grocery store and b) we generally do just have less food around, even if it's NOT junk (and most of it isn't, I swear!). I don't know how Lisa Leake did 100 Days straight of all Real Food on a Budget. I know they had a little leeway too, but probably not as much as we did this weekend! Two cheap dinners out plus that snack and a dessert last night were seriously uncharacteristic for us these days. But it felt good. Reminds me of how Carrie on Sex & the City used to buy Vogue instead of dinner sometimes. Sometimes you just have to enjoy an ice-cold Coke instead of thinking about what else you could get with that dollar, whether healthier or more long lasting.

On another note, I tweeted about this last night, I was so grossed out by the canned salmon that I was going to use for our salmon cakes, which is why we ate out again. Given our coupon dinner was cheap again (only $11 for the three of us!), but we obviously couldn't have done that had I not taken out that extra cash. My only concern is still that stupid graph that Mint keeps showing me, so I did write to them and should hear back pretty soon about whether or not they do "debit" your account twice for things you 1) charge to a credit card and then 2) pay that bill off later. If they're counting that first charge as a spend, even though it's put on a card instead of taken out of your checking account, that's just plain stupid. I may just have to avert my eyes every day. But depending on what they say, I may not. We may have to keep buckling down even more, in which case this extra cash I used this weekend WOULD be cheating. It's just really hard to look at this plan in the long term, because it's such a change for us. It feels sacrificial, uncomfortable. Like the 10,000 diet and meal plans I've tried, I find myself wondering if we can really stick to this food budget for the long haul.

In part, we may not need to — I just discovered some serious cash-saving techniques in the phone and TV department...but oh, that's right, my washing machine just died, so that's going to be on another one of those no-interest plans. Remind me why I'm reconsidering possibly having another child again? What am I, crazy? I just have to keep telling myself, Leap and the net will appear. We'll move...or we'll make more money...or I'll stop dumping so much money into my 401k...or something. Right? Right???

At least it finally cooled off here enough for us to go on a walk yesterday afternoon, and although we had some more major storms, the baby didn't even wake during the night and luckily the roof has not leaked again. Oh yeah. Have to sell my husband's car to get that fixed, too.

I need to start acting "As if" again. It is so true that when one bad thing happens, your day can totally spiral out of control. I remember saying not too long ago that I couldn't even remember the last bad day I had. Well, Friday was one, and it rolled into yesterday, too. So I really need to shake it off. I'm getting it out there in the hopes that I've said it once, I don't need to say it again, and therefore I can turn it around.

So we'll see what good things we can do today! I have lots of ideas, but it's hideous outside, so time to move on already. Have a blessed day.

Women Food and God, Part III

2011-07-23T09:45:00.000-05:00

I've been meaning to write another one of these posts for a while now, because in the mean time I've been reading two other books by Geneen, but it seems I just have SO much to say about the budget and my daily outings...however, I find this stuff to be more interesting, or at least more therapeutic. Anyways.

The question of the day is, What do you do when you realize that you've been trying to fill a hole in your heart, not your stomach, with food? When your interactions with people have become so starved for sincerity, genuineness and depth that everything is sort of happening on a surface level and you don't even realize in the mean time how many times hand is going to mouth?

I may have mentioned this before, but when something goes wrong in my day or in my life, my first inclination is to escape. I want to get out of the house, get out of my clothes, leave the room, whatever I can do to immediately extract myself from the situation instead of dealing with it head on. Which, I've got to say, seems pretty normal to me — who DOES want to deal with the tough stuff, honestly? So as a follow-up to the question above, one of Geneen's frequent questions is, What would happen if you DID just feel the feeling, instead of swallowing it down and covering it up with food? The answer to that question is simple, in my eyes — you'd cry, yell, scream, realize life sucks, people suck, whatever — but then what? What's beyond that? Because not only do I not like it every time I'm disappointed by someone or something, but now I also have this thing from her books telling me to just feel it. Well, I don't like it. Feeling it stinks. I don't want to feel it. I'd rather you tell me how to deal with it.

The only point I'm taking away from it realistically so far is to not eat instead. Which I can do, sometimes. Other times I eat because I'm sad and I know I'm eating because I'm sad, and apparently that's not so bad either. But what can I substitute for that, as a mother of a young child, trying to juggle all things at once, and I can't just stop and take a bubble bath in the middle of the day, or call a friend at five in the morning, or relax with a good book and a glass of wine instead of cooking and cleaning?

Geneen says that we "bolt." We don't get "deeply involved." That not bolting is asking a lot. This I clearly all agree with, but again, I'm still left asking, What's the payoff to not bolting? According to the book, the payoff is feeling more alive, because you're not leaving your mind and your body when you stop shoving food down your throat to ease the pain. But I wonder, playing devil's advocate here, if feeling more alive is worth it if all you're feeling is pain and confusion and disappointment and loss? It won't kill you, but it's no fun, either.

Is this the gem of wisdom I'm looking for? "As long as I believe that pain is bigger than me, as long as I define being open and vulnerable to annihilation, I believe in an image of myself: that I am someone who can be annihilated." I may be taking a lot of liberties with her text, but I think what she's saying is that we can (and should) rise above it. Stephen Levine, a Buddhist teacher, says that "hell is wanting to be somewhere different from where you are. Being one place and wanting to be somewhere else." I guess that's a lot like giving up. "Leaving without leaving. Dying before you die."

Okay, now we're getting somewhere. I don't want to be jaded. I don't want to die a slow death of wallowing in the emotional muck instead of coming to terms with it. And yet I'm fighting it, still, even as I write this, wondering if one can ever "come to terms" with feeling empty or broken — altthough I suppose there's no other alternative than hoping and believing. Discovering this whole other universe that's out there, knowing who you are, taking action, doing it now. Fighting that inner voice inside of you that says "Do what now?" It makes me think of one of Oprah's sayings — Do one thing every day that brings you closer to your goal. If it's reading a book, read a book. If it's painting the entryway, get out of your funk and paint the entryway.

I do realize that may sound too easy, or the garbage would have already taken itself out, and the phone calls would be made, and dinner would be on the table. But just like when you're trying to figure out what you want to eat — cheese? chocolate? cereal? — you can kind of feel your way along when you're trying to figure out what you want and need to do. It has to feel right. Unfortunately we can't all go and hide under the covers on the days when nothing feels right, I know, but at least you can go about your business knowing that something is off, and sooner or later you'll figure out how to fix it.

It's heavy stuff, true. But let's be courageous, and be excited, because something better is coming. You're allowed.

Until next time...

And the week winds down...

2011-07-22T07:11:00.000-05:00

So yesterday my child behaved and we were able to make a quick morning trip for some staples, which leaves us with $20 for takeout tomorrow night (it will probably come in under $15). At first I was thinking I should involve the hubs in what exactly we do with the leftover cash ("don't spend it all in one place" comes to mind), but then I remembered...our week doesn't end until Monday! Why do I always forget Saturday/Sunday??? We are out of bread right now, and eggs would come in oh-so-handy, but we'll have to see how much money is really left over after today and I'll try my best to not break down and buy conventional eggs or white bread. I hate that they're so much cheaper.

Here's what I picked up for $14 yesterday:

Guava jam, sweetened only with fruit juice (holy MOLY it's delicious — if any of you are from or have ever been to South Florida and have tasted Cuban pastries, this guava delicacy reminds me of the pastelitos from Publix!)
Rice vinegar, one of the only kinds without sulfites or artificial coloring
Three bananas, because my son spotted them by the maple syrup (which did not go on sale with the weekly transition of prices, boo)
Two tomatoes for our last salad of the week
Another container of blue cheese (somehow, with the addition of blue cheese, I actually look FORWARD to our salad at the end of the day instead of being bored by it!)

It always seems so little when I see what we spend on the blog rather than on the receipt...sigh. It's like sticker shock. I wonder if I'll ever get over that.

On the bright side, since the week's about to wrap up, I'm already looking forward to next week. What will be on sale? What will we get to eat? I've been craving a steak since watching Hell's Kitchen, but I'm so afraid to eat grass-fed beef again, even if it's from Whole Foods. That experience with the skirt steak from the farmer's market was so nasty. Maybe my palate would get used to it, but spending extra for something no one but the baby liked seems a little foolish right now, yet I refuse to buy regular meat from our local market. I guess we should expand, and try another butcher. So many shoulds, to-dos, have-tos...someone, please remind me that it's Friday and I should be happy?

Silly me

2011-07-21T07:01:00.000-05:00

Here I am yesterday going on about a possible weekend trip to Starbucks, which we used to do all the time, and I forgot all about the farmer's market on Saturday! It's supposed to rain, but it also was today originally and they keep changing the forecast...so who knows. But I've been good so far; so as long as nothing comes up we should still have a few bucks left over to do that if the weather holds up. Yesterday we went out for more organic berries, since it is the season, after all — with $18, I purchased the following:

Organic strawberries, blueberries and raspberries
100% orange juice (not from concentrate)
Honey, on sale
Two tomatoes on the vine for our salad last night

Wow, $18 for that sounds like a lot, doesn't it? Anyways. I really don't know what we're going to have for dinner tonight. I can't hit any farmer's markets this morning, but I need eggs for both the salmon cakes and the bean griddlecakes; substitutions for those two dishes just don't sound that appealing. And we have romaine for another salad, but unlike my husband, I'm getting tired of salads already. Plus, we wiped out the blue cheese and tomatoes yesterday. Maybe if I had an excuse to go out and get something else I'd be motivated to pick up some more salad ingredients so that at least the lettuce doesn't go to waste, but I'm just feeling hot and lazy today! Aha — we are out of vinegar and don't have any lemons. Even if we DO decide on salad, I have to go out for vinegar to make the dressing. Okay. Maybe this afternoon. It's just too early to think about it now! TGIF tomorrow!!!

Two more quick trips and still going strong

2011-07-20T10:51:00.000-05:00

So I was lucky enough to be able to stop by Whole Foods on my way home yesterday, and I only spent another $22 on two more bags of pre-washed organic greens, one of which we enjoyed last night with some Gorgonzola cheese I also bought, some delicious organic sweet grape tomatoes, a local cucumber and some turkey lunch meat chopped up as you would in a chef salad. It was another delicious meal, and I also picked up a hunk of some nutty French cheese that was on sale as sort of a treat for us (only $3!), which we snacked on pre-dinner while sharing a glass of red zinfandel. A box of crackers and some milk rounded out the purchase, and although I was hoping to stay under $20, it's still pretty amazing to get out of "Whole Paycheck" with only one bag. I used to go in there so carelessly, picking up anything and everything my little heart desired, no matter whether we needed it, it was on sale, whatever. I did bypass the agave, maple syrup, honey, Crofter's and no-stir almond butter, however, since none of it was on sale. Now I'm out of cocoa too, though, so unless Target has something cheap today my coffee tomorrow is going to be far from my favorite real-food mocha!

And we did stop at Target yesterday too. While I'm psyched that they now carry agave (and real maple syrup, and no-stir almond butter), none of it was on sale there, either, so we skipped it all. Since they don't carry any organic fruits or vegetables other than the salad greens (which clearly I don't need any more of right now!) I didn't even look there for anything (they don't even carry anything conventional that's safe to eat, like whole pineapples or melons, usually), but instead we stopped in the canned fruit aisle. I explained to my husband how frustrating it is to me that "pears packed in water" have a list of ingredients two inches long and how usually the only normal thing you can find is pineapple, so we chose a pack of that and a pack of unsweetened applesauce for about $3 in total (after a long speech from him about how we should then buy the whole fruit and just make a "compote" and eat it as such — which is fine if he wants to make the compote. I'll stick to the little packs on busy days like, well, every day!). Which means I still have $55 (wow!) to get me through the rest of the week — and all I really need is money for takeout on Friday — we can't go out to our usual place because I have a late appointment, and it might rain anyways — and amazingly enough, that may provide enough leftover cash for a run to Starbucks and, more importantly, the bread store, this weekend. That would be awesome! I get so excited over these things, I know. And it would probably be much more wise of me to go back to my local market and get some more organic berries. So I might. But really, what a cost difference it makes when a) your fridge doesn't go kaput in the middle of the week and b) you eat salad every night instead of organic free-range chicken! (Don't get me wrong, I really do like roasted chicken, but there's something about boneless, skinless chicken breasts that I think I could do without for the rest of my life. We could probably use more protein in our diets, though, so tonight I might make the bean cakes.)

Have a great day!

Spinach salad with kale chips, and a fail/save

2011-07-19T09:06:00.000-05:00

Because the organic spinach is on sale at Target, I picked up two clamshells the other day and thus we had salad again for dinner last night. With only a few cherry tomatoes from my mom's garden and the rest of the blue cheese, though, it was looking kind of bare, so my husband suggested we throw in the rest of the leftover kale chips from the weekend. It was delicious! The contrast in color (it was red kale) almost made it look like radicchio, and it gave great flavor and crunch to the spinach, which can be a rather boring taste if not seasoned well. With any luck we'll go back tonight for more spinach, although I did pick up some organic romaine at the market yesterday, which brings me to my fail and my save...

I went to the store without my wallet on Monday. Oops.

Luckily as I was stopped in the middle of the street in front of my house trying to decide where to pick up my groceries I decided that the closest store would be best, so I was literally just a few blocks from home, and they held my two bags at the front while I went home for my cash. In the past something like this would have totally humiliated me, but I think I took it pretty well in stride. The day kind of went downhill from there, but at least I picked up the following real foods, for under $20:

Pack of three organic romaine hearts
Can of wild Alaskan salmon to make salmon cakes
Three $1 packs of organic thyme, oregano and parsley to season the fish cakes (I have breadcrumbs at home, and if I don't get to buy farm-fresh eggs this weekend I may try a substitute)
Sliced mozzarella cheese for sandwiches
Cabot Seriously Sharp Cheddar snacking cheese
Two cans of red kidney beans to make my favorite bean griddlecakes — although I've never used this bean before for this dish, I'm sure they'll be as delicious as ever...but I really should get eggs for these too
One bag long-grain brown rice — now that I know how to make brown rice in my rice cooker, this is a quick and easy side and is also great with a little garlic oil, cheese and leftover vegetables for lunch...a new favorite vegetarian option of mine!

So although the universe was trying to keep me from walking out the door without my wallet yesterday morning — we tried to go twice, but my son was hysterical in his car seat, so I took him out and we played for a while longer first — the fail turned into a save, because I only spent $20 for all those goodies. Hopefully on the way home from work today I'll be able to stop at Whole Foods to see if my almond butter, agave for the hubs, Crofter's, local honey and maple syrup are on sale...I'm kind of making do without all that for now, especially since I don't have my favorite Great Harvest bread to enjoy with the almond butter/Crofter's concoction, but it would feel like a very accomplished "staples" trip if I could pick them all up at once. May the force be with me.

Happy Tuesday!

Real-food recipes, some notes, and a question

2011-07-18T09:51:00.000-05:00

I've decided that I should write a cookbook called "Real-Food Recipes: Changing Your Health Destiny One Plate at a Time." Any publishers out there? I can guarantee it will be a hit!

Anyways, this is one of those genius ideas that come to me at random moments in my life, and I almost forgot about it entirely as our whole family was rocking out to "Last Friday Night" by Katy Perry yesterday. My son has started his baby-dance phase, and he particularly likes bouncing his booty to this beat, so I had a temporary loss of creative sanity. But it came back to me, and I'm writing it down so I don't forget and also to tell you that I started clearing out my kitchen of all non–real food recipes.

I may have only alluded before to the fact that I'm obsessed with cookbooks. I don't often cook from them, I usually just use them as inspiration, but cracking open a new one and flipping through all the new-to-me mouthwatering recipes (food magazines are a close second) just makes me so happy. So I'm not planning to part with any full cookbooks at present, although any time I get a new book I do make room for it on my lone bookshelf by giving an old one away. What I did start doing yesterday is tossing any loose (torn out/photocopied from magazines) non–real food recipes. You have no idea how many pages of Everyday Food went in the garbage. Now, of course I do believe in moderation (moderately, however), so I kept a recipe for pumpkin bread pudding with dulce de leche (Thanksgiving, anyone? I'm calling that in advance and cannot seem to get over my intense longing for fall) and double-chocolate tiramisu, which the hubs loves. But tossing the blackberry-swirl poundcake recipe was painful. I can still see the picture of it in my mind. In fact, I think I can taste it in all its heavy, fruity glory. But let's face it: If someone needs me to bake a poundcake for their brunch or baptism, I can probably find the recipe on line. And I've never, ever had to bake a poundcake for a brunch or baptism. So I'm probably fine.

In terms of my notes after wrapping up week 2 of my Mid-Year's Resolution to save money and stay healthy, it hit me after walking out of Target yesterday (having spent $40, with my RedCard discount, on diapers, fabric softener, organic spinach — for dinner, on sale, as per my plan, yea! — tomatoes, blue cheese, mushrooms, bananas and toothpaste, all of which came out of my "Shopping" budget) that my Shopping budget should actually not be for such things. Yes, we all brush our teeth and wash our clothes, but I already have an extra two tubes of toothpaste lying around the house; I have a Bounce dryer bar yet to be used; and I rarely even use fabric softener to begin with. The Shopping budget should be for FUN! Like cute new address labels (I know, dork), those running shorts I've had my eye on (even though I'm just walking once or twice a day now — who cares? they're cute!), the preserved lemons I've always wanted to cook with or any of the gazillion things I store in my Amazon cart for "some day." So with the $8 I have left in the Shopping budget and $7 for "Baby Supplies" for the rest of the month, I'm determined to do something fun with it. Fun and creative, not a couple magazines and a chocolate bar. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Something else I have been noticing is how un-structured my son's eating is. Not that it's a big concern at this point, but although the kid is clearly not starving, I find myself worried that he's not eating enough at meal times, so I'm offering him snacks to graze a few times throughout the day, which I don't think is a good habit to create. I'm a three-square-meals and two-snacks (if necessary) kind of girl, and although standing in the kitchen feeding him strawberries feels random and half-assed, sitting down for a mid-morning snack when it feels like he just had breakfast and/or is just about to have lunch, due to the mid-morning NAP somewhere in between, seems like too much. So I'm not sure what to do about this one, but at least I'm aware of something feeling off. I guess I just need to follow his cues, and if he's hungry, it's always best to sit down and focus on the food and not try to do three things at once.

Now, in terms of my question, I'm still really ticked off at Mint right now because the "Net Income" tool at the bottom left of my home page always makes me look like such an over-spender. I know I admitted to you before that we dipped into our savings twice, a few months back, to cover our expenses without charging up credit cards. And we ARE paying off a snowblower and a dishwasher, both without interest. So my question is, if I do charge something to my Target card, for example, and then also pay the full bill at the end of the month, which I always do — which is an improvement for me over the last few years, I might add — is Mint counting that against me twice? As two separate debits from my account? I know I said this before, but how can I possibly be consistently (supposedly — according to their site) spending more than I earn, if I always have money in the bank? It makes it look as though I'm always in the red, which isn't true. I wonder if I should just ignore that, write to them and ask, or continue shaving down my spending WAY more intensely. It feels like I've already taken such a huge step (two, actually — paying for my groceries in cash, and no budging in these last two weeks; I even paid for a loaf of bread mostly in change yesterday, which I'll never do again, because it was made with refined flour! — and not "allowing" myself to buy anything from ANY budget if I'm already over that daily line) — these two things have really affected what I buy and when I shop — so it seems as if I can't possibly continue to cut down NOW. But we'll see. Maybe there are more hard facts I have to face up to. Boo!

On the bright side, because there is ALWAYS a bright side, of course, today is Monday, I got my cash out for the week's food already yesterday, and so we may finally be able to go out and get some maple syrup, cocoa, agave for my husband, eggs from the farmer's market...as long as I can "afford" all that on top of the week's dinners. (On a side note, my husband said yesterday as we enjoyed a delicious spinach salad that if it were up to him, he'd eat salad ever day — holy crap!)

Hope your Monday is bright and sunny like mine. Talk soon!

Company meeting

2011-07-17T13:38:00.000-05:00

Once every quarter, the company I work for in Miami (remotely from my home in Chicago) has a company meeting, and when it's over I get to watch the video of it before I close up shop for the day.

To give you a bit of background, I work as a copy editor, writing and editing text and graphics for print and on-line "journals" for oncologists — doctors who treat breast cancer, prostate cancer, lung cancer, you name it. It's hard work — you don't want to screw anything up, but at the same time, how involved are you, really, in the care of Joe Smith, a patient who's suffering in a small town in Idaho? It's hard sometimes to feel the tug of pressing deadlines and turning in a perfect assignment and at the same time remember what's really at the heart (or should be) of all your efforts, your long hours, "putting in your dues" — that 80% of oncologists in the country do actually use our research and translate it into their daily community practices, caring for a patient who could be your mom, your brother, your friend, your uncle.

This week's company meeting was an intense reminder, and I'll explain to you why it also ties in, of course, to diet and fitness.

A slide was shown during the meeting of one of the nation's top cancer researchers about becoming an organ donor. Although, of course, some patients with cancer do rely on transplant at times, it's never been a main focus, per se, of our business — so when this slide popped up, originally at a major scientific breast cancer meeting in Texas last year, the owner of the company I work for was taken aback, asked the doc what the story was behind it and is actually going to run the same photo in a book we publish this year.

The story, of course, is surprising. The marathon-running, always-healthy cancer doc was shocked to find out he had a fatal heart condition, and save a transplant, he was quickly running out of options to literally live out the rest of his young life. Without a heart transplant, he had no hope. (He underwent the transplant, obviously, and is thriving now and spreading the word as often as he can.)

The other slide from our meeting that undoubtedly caught everyone's attention was just a number: 2021. Ten years from now. And the question was, Where do you want to be? In your personal life, in your work life, within the spectrum of your family, your community...Our fearless leader encouraged us all to turn off our phones for two minutes; he dimmed the lights, put on some music and suggested we all just relax for a bit and really try to focus on that. He admitted, also, that part of his little 10-year fantasy involved reflecting on the state of affairs we're in right now when it comes to cancer, where some 500,000 Americans are dying each year of the disease, and what it would be like if we were coming from a place in 2021 when the disease was eradicated — no matter how possible or impossible that may seem.

The point of all of this is that what I've been remembering lately and trying to keep top of mind — and it's moments like these that help — is that it really all does come down to health, not how I look in my cutoff jean shorts or the bathing suit I rarely put on. Whether you want to lose weight to lower your blood pressure, cholesterol, risk of heart disease or diabetes, or whether your weight is fine and you just want to boost your immunity, lower your risk for cancer and other diseases, it is possible — and among other things, you can do your part by voting with your fork, as Michael Pollan would say.

Go to the store and try kale for the first time; make it into kale chips, if you must (they're delicious!). Incorporate broccoli into your daily diet regimen. Take a walk, or two — morning and night. Think about where you want to be in 10 years — okay, have kids, move to a bigger house, whatever, but you. Really think about you. Give yourself two minutes, or five, or 20, and think about what you want to feel like, be doing, what you want to change. And know that this is just the start — because after that, you have to figure out how to get there, and you ACTUALLY have to take the steps to do so, if you're sincere about all this!

If this has inspired you in any way just like it inspired me, let me know. Or if there's anyone in your life who could use a lift, a focus on health and wellness rather than dress or pant size, forward them a link to this page with whatever message you choose — it doesn't have to be awkward or strange, just tell them you love this site (wink, wink!). You never know who will read it and really decide it's time for a change, time to take that first step. Switch from white pasta to whole wheat to potentially lower your cholesterol and risk of heart disease. Add a fruit or vegetable to every meal to boost your immunity and lower your risk for cancer and all other kinds of illnesses. Drink water instead of soda and decrease your risk for high blood pressure and hypertension. The links between food and these illnesses are not fuzzy or weak science. It is absolutely true that you can change your health destiny by changing what you eat. I'm hoping to find some organic salad greens on sale at Target this afternoon instead of putting a frozen pizza in the oven for dinner tonight. What choice will you make today to better your health and that of your family? Leave me a comment and keep inspiring me more every day. Thanks!

Weekend roundup

2011-07-16T09:00:00.000-05:00

So, because I actually did spend more at Whole Foods this week than I did last week at other stores — because, honestly, I started off this Mid-Year's Resolution with lots of leftovers in the fridge — we have only $2 left over this morning after our dinner out yesterday, so we can't go to the farmer's market for fresh goodies, which was a little disappointing to me when I realized it mid-afternoon yesterday. You know how much I love the farmer's market and ALMOST everything about it: Meeting up sometimes with my family; having a coffee after; the amazing and colorful displays of fresh fruits and veggies... The only thing I wish were different is the fact that most of the produce costs so dang much. I have price envy when I hear about people in other states, what they spend on food, how much a bagful of groceries costs. Other than New York City, lots of other cities are a LOT cheaper than Chicago. Still, I love to support local farmers and local businesses whenever I can — which is why I will be going to a local boutique today for a birthday present for the nanny and an anniversary present for my sister and her husband. I will always find a way to shop for something!

Although I'll have to really think about what I buy at Whole Foods next week in terms of the trade-off — no farmer's market again? Or, at the very least, take-out on Friday instead of a restaurant meal? — all options are still pleasant. I enjoy picking out what's on sale at my local market, I enjoy our Fridays out, I enjoy takeout once a week if that's what it comes down to, and of course I enjoy the green market if we're able to go. But if we're not, the day will be wide open. Lazy, long-breakfast, morning-nap kinds of Saturdays are sometimes just what a girl needs.

The best steak is a free steak

2011-07-15T08:47:00.000-05:00

Whew. Although the milk I was going to take from my mom's house yesterday was past its prime, I did salvage some already-cooked noodles and arugula for our dinner on Wednesday, three eggs to bake a cake with that night and two steaks for our dinner last night. She saved us!

Every year for Christmas, my dad gives out boxes of steak to his employees, clients, family, etc — so what we got to take home yesterday was a perfect strip steak for me and actually a T-bone for my husband, which he never gets to eat. We enjoyed delicious steaks on the grill, spent the afternoon/evening cuddling with the baby, and what do you know, it's already Friday again! I have to work this weekend (boo), but if all goes according to my master plan tonight we'll seriously enjoy our dinner out, complete with a beer special for me (cheaper than what my husband orders and bigger, too!), vegetables and a sandwich for me to share with my son. Last weekend when we tried to go it was already late and they were so busy, when we walked out the baby started crying! I guess even he's gotten used to our fun summer tradition for Friday nights. I always like creating new habits, as long as they're healthy for me and/or the family. Together time is so special, and I can't wait until he's old enough for us to do cheesy stuff like game night or family movie night. Even though it's just the three of us, we may be a small family, but we're a happy family nonetheless!

Happy weekend!

A "fresh" start

2011-07-14T09:19:00.000-05:00

Ah, summer. A time of sun, swimming pools and...STORMS! Boo. We were enjoying a great streak of nice weather, and boom, Monday morning, it seemed like another small tornado had hit. We made it home from our walk just minutes before it started raining and decided not to go to the bank, thank God, because it was just another few minutes before the wind was blowing everything sideways, and I decided to take the baby downstairs it was suddenly so dark and scary-looking outside!

Luckily it was not another tornado (apparently a small one did touch down a couple weeks ago, although we personally got out of it unscathed), but the neighborhood is a mess again and thousands of people are without power...this time, even we were! Only we didn't lose power until the day AFTER the storm, which really ticked me off. For the first time ever, I literally had to toss the contents of my fridge and freezer.

It went something like this — I realized at some point during the morning hours the night after we lost power that, as I was planning to work from my mom's house the next day, I could take over a couple coolers of food from our fridge/freezer to keep it fresh over there, especially seeing as reports were emerging that we may not get power back until the weekend (this was Tuesday/Wednesday). So after a quick morning run to Starbucks so that I could send an email from my iPod to the milk man and cancel delivery (and some iced tea, fruit and apple juice for my son) — by this point my cell was already moaning, pre-death — we had a brisk walk in the park and started making preparations.

We didn't get very far.

The stuff in the freezer kind of felt...okay. I mean, the ground turkey was still hard, some stuff still had ice crystals on it, and, well, looking back, maybe I was just trying to convince myself everything was going to be alright. Because as I started taking advantage of the opportunity and throwing some stuff in the trash for the next-day's pickup, I realized that my vinegar cubes for cleaning the disposal were already easily popping out of the ice trays. As were the ice cubes.

Crap.

When I opened the fridge, it kind of already stunk. And by kind of, I mean it hit me that our food was probably already spoiled.

I poured a bottle and a half of milk down the drain. I threw out our local turkey lunch meat, the remnants of our farmer's market cheeses and the rinds of others I was saving for soup; I tossed old bread, juice, a bowl of canned pineapple slices, radishes, lettuce and the chicken parts I was also hoping to use for soup. Already I found myself thinking about pulling meals out of my mom's freezer so that we wouldn't have to sacrifice our weekly Friday dinner out to buy new groceries during the week — since we'd presumably be staying at their house, anyways. (Sleeping with no air is one thing, but for me, sleeping with no background noise is next to impossible. I was NOT looking forward to another night of tossing and turning, worrying about the temperature in the nursery, listening to my dog toss and turn herself all night on her orthopedic dog bed.) I felt frazzled, I was going to be late for work, and suddenly I was unsure about the whole thing — take food in the cooler or not? Isn't it already spoiled? When does my mom's garbage get picked up? Should I just put everything in our pail for tomorrow?

It was a long couple of days, but I have to look on the bright side, no matter how small it may seem: It was high time for our fridge to get cleaned, not just in terms of drips and drops of old, crusted food on the freezer floor, but we also had a practical excuse to throw out the following non–real food items:

Jarred chocolate raspberry sauce (sugar bomb I bought for my dad before inviting them over to dinner last year)
Pomegranate mollasses (oops, expired in June of 2009)
Mayonnaise (over the five-ingredient limit for packaged foods)
Sugary yogurt — I really need to find a way to give a better option to my husband in his daily lunches...maybe little packs of unsweetened applesauce?
The last dribbles from my son's juice glass, which had Trop50 Mango Pineapple, a serious violator when it comes to unknown chemicals that go into perfectly good food otherwise!
Almost an entire bottle of pomegranate kefir (another sugary yogurt drink)

I felt bad throwing out the dregs of some old watermelon we never got around to eating, a rotten pineapple and my daily dose of almond butter and naturally sweetened jam, but c'est la vie...Change is good, and I'm lucky my mom was able to help us out. Silver lining, people. With any luck, the next round of storms will bypass us and we'll be able to enjoy a well-deserved, relaxing weekend coming up. Plotting out my daily errands and making sure the baby's fever stays down (yeah, when did that happen??) are pretty minor hiccups to work out today; now I just need to figure out a quick way to deep-clean the vegetable drawer.

Talk to you soon!

Blue BLT Salad

2011-07-13T18:50:00.000-05:00

I had a dream on Sunday about blowing too much money from our food budget at Whole Foods, and so I was very careful on Monday to not let that happen. I wanted to go there for the local turkey lunch meat, so I figured I could also pick up two dinner items for the week, whatever was on sale. With about $46, I purchased a whole organic chicken, four pieces of bacon for a salad, a pound of ground turkey, five yogurts, some organic red kale, three tomatoes, a spice rub my husband wanted to try and...well, if I'm forgetting anything, so be it.

I was about to choose between Gorgonzola or regular old blue cheese for the salad, too, but my husband reminded me we had blue in the house from the farmer's market — yea! I get so excited by the little "saves" like that. So we had a blue BLT salad: blue cheese, bacon, arugula and organic tomatoes. It was SO good! The cheese really made it, but I was also proud of myself for picking the perfect amount of bacon and not being shy about just asking for four slices, instead of a half pound, or a quarter pound, or whatever. I wanted four slices, so all I got were four slices. (It's the little things that make me happy.)

My husband dished up the goods before I was able to snap a picture, but with such simple ingredients you can imagine how it looked...and tasted! With a little bread and fruit on the side, we had a nice family meal, a walk, and finally gave the baby a bath in the "real" tub — I know, he's 14 months old, so #1 he's not really a "baby" any more and #2 it took us long enough; our stopper leaked before and we kept forgetting to buy a rubber one at the Home Depot. He loved it, just like our little whale kiddie pool from Pottery Barn, and all in all it was a great night.

Hope your week is going well!

Forgot about the skirt steak!

2011-07-11T09:41:00.000-05:00

For anyone who wondered on Saturday how I went from $50 to $13 with just buying a few items at the farmer's market, I forgot we also bought about $7+ worth of organic, grass-fed skirt steak for dinner — and it reminded me why I eat mostly vegetarian. I'd heard that grass-fed beef often has a stronger flavor, but the last time we had it (from Whole Foods) I didn't notice anything different.

This time, I couldn't get the taste of the first (and only) bite out of my mouth quickly enough. It tasted gamey, raw, too much like cow. So, I tried to eat half the Italian sausage that we also grilled up, one for both my husband and me, but eating that I bit into two hard sort of things, which just continued the grossing-out process. I had a few bites of my son's peanut-butter bread, some cantaloupe, two bites of under-ripe tomato salad (another big fail) and washed it all down with some chocolate milk. What a terrible meal!

So after buying a loaf of Honey Whole Wheat at Great Harvest and a juice for the hubs, I had $5 left of discretionary food money to spend on Sunday. We decided to go to Starbucks to share something in the afternoon, which was fun and out of the ordinary.

Hope you had a nice weekend! Today is the start of Week 2 of my Mid-Year's Resolution, and if last week was any indication, I think it will be a good one. Thank God!

Food memories

2011-07-09T09:19:00.000-05:00

So I'll start off by saying that I went into this morning with $50 in my wallet for the farmer's market, the bread store and whatever we need tomorrow, which felt AWESOME. Our favorite restaurant was packed last night because we got our evening started too late after I had a doctor's appointment, so we got take-out instead (with a coupon!), which saved us some money. Now, after buying some eggs, blue cheese, peaches, tomatoes, coffee, iced tea, orange juice and a reduced-fat scone ("for the baby"/ we actually took some home with us after for the first time ever), I have $13 left for my bread, so we'll definitely pick up two loaves. I always love to store one in the freezer so that if we run out during the week I don't have to worry about making the trip with the baby on a weekday.

The food memory happened today in the kitchen, after the market, with the juiciest peach, by far, that I've ever had in my life. My son kept reaching for something on the counter, and I figured it was a tomato, because he always wants to hold them in his hand, bite them, or try to bounce them on the floor like a ball — but he was reaching for a peach, which he's never had before fresh from the farm. Let me tell you — he almost at the whole thing in one go! I had maybe four bites, and it was dribbling down his chin, his leg, his clothes, Daddy's arm, a rag we were using to wipe our faces with, it was everywhere. It made me think back to when we polished off the season's first blueberries on the kitchen floor just a month ago, and got me wondering if he'll remember these times some day/what my earliest food memories are.

Really, I don't recall anything specific. My general associations around food as a child are either positive — sitting around the table or sitting in front of the TV with my sister — or negative — not being allowed to eat chocolate and fried foods when I had mono in kindergarten. A pretty stark contrast, something I'd like to explore a little more. But regardless, even though I'm pretty sure my son is too young to remember any of this moving forward, I hope that we can create more moments like these — pure joy, healthy food, supporting local farmers. It's been a fun day so far already, and I'm looking forward to the library and some errands when he wakes up from his nap.

Hope you are enjoying the weekend as much as I am. Have a great Saturday!

The luck of this week?

2011-07-08T07:43:00.000-05:00

We polished off the four remaining nitrate-/nitrite-free hot dogs last night for dinner and even had money in the budget to walk to a local diner (our last remaining evening walk summer to-do spot) for a little treat. I used some coupons at Whole Foods to purchase green laundry detergent and all-purpose cleaner (as well as a bottle of wine!), but when I got home I was sure I had at least $20 more lurking around somewhere...

Hmm, what did I buy this week with my Food Cash? Some frozen yogurt and juice? That sure doesn't add up to $100. But then I found the missing money...I had already stashed $40 in another part of my wallet for our usual dinner out tonight. Yea! Which means, if I want, I can spend $24 at the farmer's market on Saturday as long as I'm okay with not having a penny on Sunday. We still have salad greens and Italian sausages hanging around, so we should be okay, but even if I do spend most of that money on farm-fresh eggs and cheese, I'll probably have at least a little something left over that's always enough for a box of pasta or a can of beans — and, of course, the eggs!

So the first week, globally, has been a success. I think we lucked out a bit in the sense that I had all this extra lettuce from the 4th, some leftover hot dogs and that huge pack of orzo, but I'll take it. Perhaps I'm easing into this Mid-Year's Resolution. Really, that is FINE with me!

Arugula salad with maple–black pepper lardons, sunflower seeds & Parmesan cheese

2011-07-07T07:29:00.000-05:00

So this was dinner last night:

A really yummy salad of mixed greens with spinach, arugula, sunflower seeds, grated Parmesan cheese and some lardons dressed with a touch of maple syrup and fresh-cracked pepper. What are lardons, you ask? It's basically a fancy French way of saying little strips of fried bacon.

It was delicious, and it was another let's-use-whatever-we've-got sort of kitchen sink meal. I had bacon leftover from a previous salad, we wiped out the Parmesan, I love throwing sunflower seeds into all of my salads for that salty little crunchy surprise, and we dressed it simply with oil, vinegar, salt and pepper. Not bad for using what you have on hand, if I do say so myself!

Have any of you ever heard of The Grocery Game? It's a site kind of like the Coupon Mom's, but something about this one I like better...well, actually, I know what: Its design is more catchy, you can view all of the products on sale/with coupons from your local stores at once, you can sort by product or store name, WHOLE FOODS is included, you can print your list...

But you have to pay $10 every eight weeks after your free trial of 28 days. At first I thought it was $40, which I don't think would have been worth it...but yesterday alone I gathered $17 worth of coupons, for stuff I actually normally buy/use — even the healthy stuff at Whole Foods, like Seventh Generation dish soap and facial tissue! And I'm behind the game because I just started keeping my coupon inserts whole and dating them (most sites, like these two, tell you what insert by date and name the coupon is in, so if you're like me before and cut them and sort of leave them all over the place, I can never tell now, for example, if I've already clipped and/or used an Always coupon from May 15th). I'm really excited about this one. I have four weeks to try it, so we'll see how it goes. I do believe that sometimes you have to spend money in order to save money.

Anyways, I hope you're enjoying your week. We took a nice long walk to our local Dairy Queen last night — a once-in-a-summer sort of thing — and there's only one other place I have on my to-do list to go with the baby another night to kind of get it out of my system, but bagels have also always had a summer sort of connotation for me (dating back to my high school volleyball days!) so hopefully we'll pop over to a bagel shop and surprise Daddy one morning. Also on my summer list is an outdoor mall with a splash pad for kids, a walk in the forest preserve, hitting a museum on a free day, going to the beach, going to my dad's golf club pool and possibly joining a local group to make more friends around here. The days just fly by if you don't up and decide to Just Do It, so maybe we'll knock another item off this list today.

What are your plans now that summer is in full swing? Inspire me!

Last night's winner

2011-07-06T10:22:00.000-05:00

As I said yesterday, the plan for dinner last night was to use up some leftover turkey and my lonely pack of whole-wheat orzo. Well, it turned out great! Fabulous, delicious, and all using ingredients I had on hand.

First, I chopped up some tomatoes and hearts of palm, I shaved some Parmesan and I added arugula and capers.

Then it was time to add the cooked orzo, which slowly wilted the arugula, melted the Parmesan a bit and heated everything else through.

The finished product was more than enough for the three of us, plus prepared leftovers for my husband's lunch today and lots of plain orzo for me to mix with some garlic oil, capers, tomatoes and mozzarella for MY lunch.

The cantaloupe on the side was incredibly juicy and tasty, too.

But...

We did spend some of this week's $100 on a juice for my husband, some Boar's Head turkey for sandwiches and I couldn't resist picking up a few Lara bars. The ones I took home don't have any of my allergy triggers in them, there's no sugar, and they all contain five ingredients or less. I really didn't need any snack foods, but they're good to grab when I'm starving but busy with the baby.

I also realized after the fact that we walked to the park, which was good, but we bought a soft-serve ice cream cone to share, which is not good. Sugar, sugar, sugar! We should have just gone for a walk. Next time.

We'll see what this evening brings...probably salad, which is good because we need to use up the rest of those greens before they go bad. The other melon, too.

Have a good one!

Leftover magic

2011-07-05T10:51:00.000-05:00

Because we never got around to our weekly planning session on Sunday, I was struggling to think yesterday about what I'd cook for dinner tonight...do I have to go out and get something? Do I really want to defrost the Italian sausage when that's what we had at the barbecue last night? We don't have any pasta left, right? And then it came to me — that little pack of whole-wheat orzo that's been in my cupboard for months would be great cooked up with some leftover chopped turkey, tomato, hearts of palm, capers, oil/vinegar and some fresh-grated Parmesan cheese. See, I did it! Dinner in a snap, made from ingredients I already have on hand. As long as they turn out delicious, those are my favorite meals to make.

So if I play my cards right, our week will look something like this:

Tuesday: Turkey-orzo salad with cut-up cantaloupe on the side
Wednesday: Italian sausage from my freezer; leftover watermelon-blueberry fruit salad
Thursday: The four remaining nitrite-/nitrate-free hot dogs and the other cantaloupe that's sitting on my counter
Friday: Local car show/restaurant ($5 off coupon from neighborhood boy)

I never really plan Saturday/Sunday meals in advance...and maybe this is part of my downfall. We will sometimes end up eating lunch out on Saturdays or using Starbucks to fill the gaps on either day, which is costly — but I will note that we have three containers of spring greens to use up also, so I'm sure one of these days we will sub in a main-course salad and I'll actually have plenty to get us through. It would be amazing to end up with this $100 (or close to it) still in my wallet at the end of the first week!

Hope you guys had a safe and happy 4th. It's already Tuesday, which is a bonus — if it's as warm and sunny where you are as it is where I am, be sure to get out and at least take a walk to enjoy the summer heat. Before you know it it will be fall again!

Manolo salad

2011-07-04T09:25:00.000-05:00

Hey guys! Happy 4th. Normally we would be at the parade right now, but we agreed not to go this year because of all the sirens and guns. I think it's too much for a little guy. So, instead, I'm going to post this non-recipe recipe for the salad I'm bringing to my sister's barbecue this afternoon — it's a delicious take on a salad I had in Miami Beach at Manolo's back in May.

The salad basically consists of baby spinach (organic if you can), capers, sliced hearts of palm, big chunks of tomato, provolone cheese and a sort of French dressing — I'm sure theirs had garlic in it, but no pickles, and I'm going to do mine without either. If I can't use a ketchup/mayo base and come up with something delicious, I'll just dress it as I did the first time I made it — I just drizzle olive oil over the pre-made salad, followed by whatever vinegar I have on hand and salt and pepper. I don't dirty another dish, I don't measure, I just basically count to four as I'm drizzling the oil and eight as I shake on the vinegar. If you know your salt-and-pepper shakers well also (we have a grinder for each), you should also be able to wing it on the seasoning. It's that easy!

Last night we had a great (free) meal at my mom's house, but I need to remember some tips for next time:

Share a dessert with the hubs. We both left almost half of ours on the plate. Next time, one only, please.
Eat the turkey, skip the bun. I went into it thinking I'd do that, but then she had these lovely looking onion rolls to build sandwiches on...too bad they were dry and the sandwich was basically tasteless. It would have been much better drizzled with a little honey mustard, if necessary, sans bun. Of course I'm not even really realizing this until now, however.
Fill up on water. I poured myself a glass of water at one point, and then I lost it and stayed thirsty for the rest of the night, too lazy to go upstairs for more. SMH.
Stay away from the appetizers! I found myself thinking, Well, what else am I going to do? Get down on the floor and play with the little kids! Instead, I had crackers made with white flour AND potato chips. This is a trap I fall into every time. And God knows I wasn't even hungry by the time dessert rolled around, but I used the excuse that I was already being served a piece to stand around and pick at it.
I suppose I could have also eaten my fruit and salad first, then at least I wouldn't have had as much as I did of the bland turkey sandwich.

All good lessons to TRY to remember today.

Make it awesome!

Garbage party

2011-07-03T11:00:00.000-05:00

I guess I get so compulsive about things, whether it's getting rid of stuff in the house I no longer want (stained, with holes, with bad memories, with no home, never used, what have you) or eating/not eating a certain thing, or saving money, I caught myself in a coupon binge yesterday and before going out went through all of the coupons that were for things I should NOT be eating or drinking and threw them out. Coupons for ice cream, soda, gum, white bread, everything you can imagine — and again, it felt GOOD! I posted on twitter the other day the fact that in a woman's lifetime she has a one-in-eight chance of contracting breast cancer in the United States, because reading that for work kind of scared me...given that sounds like a lot more than 12.5%, but still — my husband immediately asked me, And what can you do to prevent that? And I said, Eat right and exercise and don't use all the crap with chemicals in it, like conventional shampoos, lotions, sunscreen, toothpaste, etc. He shook his head and gave me the usual speech about why we're allowed to produce, use and consume those products in the first place, and although I explained to him that the link between parabens and cancer may not be so clear cut, he's right: We shouldn't use products like that if we want to increase our chances for a long and healthy life. We shouldn't eat white bread even though some don't believe in the link between refined flours and cardiovascular disease. We should do our best, every day, to eat more fruits and vegetables and to exercise. Cut out sugar, trans fats, all the bad stuff.

So although we're finishing out what we have in the house in terms of raw sugar, agave, sugary cereal, hot dogs and their respective white buns, I'm really leaning toward the "real-food" movement as a way of life right now. Reading Lisa's blog is always an inspiration in that regard, especially since her daughter has had croup in the past, just like my son, and since on the real-food diet she hasn't gotten it again. That's a HUGE plus in my book. Those moments for me when I'm sitting in the steamy bathroom with the shower running, trying to ignore the fear in my heart at hearing my baby bark like a dog, if there's anything I can do to prevent that from happening again I better try my best to do it.

So maybe today we'll pick up some five-ingredient honey whole wheat bread at Great Harvest, and as I run out of things like deodorant, shampoo and soap, I have to remember not to succumb to another coupon binge there, either. Natural foods and natural products are best. There's no denying it!

Planning sessions

2011-07-02T07:34:00.000-05:00

So, in my organizational/list-making/plan-ahead nature, I'm surprised I never thought of this before, but it's already starting to become a necessity: Someone suggested to me yesterday that I sit down with the hubs, once a week, and plan out nanny hours, schedules and appointments (and workouts, and date nights, etc!) and, I have to admit, it's simple but genius. We can plan on Sundays for my trips to the store on Mondays, we can wrap our heads around after-hours to-do lists and we can put on the table any other issues that are otherwise left until the last minute (or tend to be neglected entirely). Loves it!

So we did go to the car show and out to eat last night, but I subbed broccoli for French fries, took home half of my sandwich (the other half of which I shared with the baby), we skipped dessert and we even got a coupon from a local neighbor boy who's supporting his high school baseball team. [Cute/gross/makes me feel old: I can't believe this kid is in high school! When we moved here I think he was two feet shorter!]

Anyways. Today is farmer's market, but I'm not going to splurge like I used to. I used to spend $60 every weekend; today I think I'll stick to my plan from yesterday of $30, and hopefully that will include a coffee afterwards and just some cheese/whatever vegetable looks good. I "need" heirloom tomatoes, peaches, cherries, eggs, mint, pork and radishes, among other things, just for recipes and summery to-dos, but I'll take what I can get. Some petite little strawberries sound pretty irresistible right about now, but we'll see.

I feel good. I always feel good when I embark on a new challenge, but I've been feeling pretty good, so I hope it lasts. Sleeping well, hard at work, hardly working, whatever you want to call it — it's that summertime laziness-slash-euphoria that you just have to take advantage of when it hits you. I guess that's Fourth of July weekend in a nutshell, huh?

Be safe!

Thinking out loud

2011-07-01T07:06:00.000-05:00

I think out loud on this blog a lot, don't I? Well, here I go again. I'm trying to figure out whether we can go to town tonight for the weekly car show and a relatively cheap dinner out (with drinks, tax and tip it's usually $30-$35), or if I should use that money to go to the farmer's market tomorrow, which we've only been to I think once this year so far, or if I can do $30, $30 and $40 in groceries for the rest of the week — kind of. Kind of in the sense that I liked Lisa's idea of starting the budget week on Mondays, so that you can plan out the week DAY's meals in advance since they're usually the hardest to scrounge around and arrange after work...

It makes me realize that starting the budget weeks on Mondays may leave less funds for this sort of weekend playtime, unless I'm really good at planning ahead. I guess that's the point, isn't it. Special occasions are too common these days anyways, in our family and in America's diet in general — it's a special occasion that calls for brownies when we have Sunday dinner. It's a special occasion that necessitates pizza because it's Thursday and tomorrow's Friday. It's a special occasion because it's our last night in town before we take off for a few days, so we'll have to order in — get what I mean? (I only WISH we were going on vacation for a few days, but you see my point!) It's funny; I'm already thinking of giving excuses to my husband why I don't want to go instead of just coming straight out with it to him, explaining the details of this project, etc. (Is it wrong that I go ahead with these plans without consulting him? It's just that he's never around when the ideas come to me, and I don't think he cares one way or the other, really! But maybe if I clued him in, he'd be more supportive...) I guess I also don't like admitting to HIM (not you guys, see? WEIRD?) that I feel the need to save money. It's almost like, well, no, it IS that I'm taking on the manly sort of protective role in trying to assure him in whatever way that everything's fine and okay. Except when he wants to take the car to a car wash and I ask why he doesn't just wash it himself, he probably wants to give me the evil eye, secretly...

So anyways, seeing as the month starts today but I want to start my budget week on Monday, I don't really know what to do! I guess maybe this time I will leave it up to my husband/our schedule/the weather, and if we spend any "extra" money this weekend it will just have to come off the top. As it is, it's not the healthiest of restaurants we usually go to anyways, so we really shouldn't be patronizing them so often...it's just a really fun tradition that we can only do during the summer, and when I get into a groove like that, it's super hard for me to not want to keep the pattern going! We'll see what the evening brings. Lately eating out has not been what's killing my budget, because we only did it twice last month...but if I'm feeling frugal, we could always at least get takeout after the car show or skip that, eat at home and walk to the ice cream parlor after. It is the weekend, after all, and we haven't had a chance to do enough summery things like that yet because of the nasty weather around here. Have to remember that if I go to the DQ tonight, though, that counts as my weekend "treat."

On a side note, the latest issue of SELF magazine has Zooey Deschanel on the cover, and in a flash of brilliance (that revealed a moment of stupidity), I realized that the last time she was on the cover was when my letter to the editor was published, leading some of you readers to me! And apparently, I had thrown out the magazine! In my efforts to be organized and save space, sometimes I go a little overboard...so I ordered a back issue and it's already here, and I also remembered Zooey's great article on all things summer (500 Days of Summer was coming out at the time). It's very inspiring, as is a similar list from Everyday Food, with suggestions like "Read a mystery novel in a hammock" and "Eat a peach at its peak of ripeness" — making it seem like this may be the worst possible time to really nail down my budget. But the way I see it, if I can do it now, or around the holidays, I should be able to do it every day. So, trial by fire. Here's to more healthy eating, less spending and, dare I say it, more exercise???

Talk to you soon!

Mid Year's Resolution

2011-06-30T07:07:00.000-05:00

Hello! So you may have read my optimistic-sounding previous post on how I thought I'd finally overcome going over my food budget every month...

Well, you guessed it: My plan was foiled. Unwittingly, I had a receipt from Jewel that didn't register in Mint until Monday. So I'd already gone to two different stores by the time I realized that, and I ended up going $32 over our $500 budget for the month of June.

Now, I know some of you might be surprised that a) I'm revealing how much we spend on food each month and b) that a family of three — one of whom is only 14 months old — can't eat for less than $500 a month! So before I embark on the reason for this post, let's clear some things up.

#1, Chicago is one of the most expensive places to buy food in the country (or at least so I heard on "Extreme Couponing" a while back — and I believe it). Behind Staten Island, New York, this is one of the few cities that basically has no stores that double coupons, and oftentimes Wal-Mart is the cheapest place to buy food — which I detest. Not only does our local Wal-Mart smell like the Subway that's in the entryway (do I really have to smell onions every time I walk through those doors? And I like onions!), but also, it's NOT a Wal-Mart Super Center — which means the selection of meat, dairy and produce is severely limited. Reading Lisa Leake's Real Food blog this morning (to get my spirits up) only slightly makes me feel like less of a snob for saying that, but I'm really trying to adhere to some standards here. I suppose we'll see (keep reading) if this is an area in which I will actually end up compromising.

#2, yes, I really do prefer to buy organic when it comes to things like the Dirty Dozen, not only for my own personal health (and that of my family) but also in terms of contributing to the movement. Let's face it: Organic doesn't get a lot of play in the press any more. I don't own a Prius (yet), I don't have solar panels on my roof (and maybe never will), and I sometimes leave the water running when I brush my teeth. The least I can do is support local and organic farmers, WHEN POSSIBLE!

#3, I want to at least give myself props for practically cutting our budget in half. Yes, you heard me, we used to spend around $1,000 on food each month! That included eating out, stocking our wine bar, entertaining, et cetera, but come on. That's ridiculous! When I tell people that, they ask if we're eating filet mignon every night. (And I want to ask them: Well what are you eating, chips and burritos from the corner store?) But this at least gives me encouragement. After all, like I said, I've already cut it in half. And this week's error (although compounded by the fact that I went to the store again yesterday, forgot to buy what I went there for in the first place and still used it as an excuse — we're already over budget, why not pick up some fruit and toilet paper while we're here?) really wasn't my fault to begin with, it was just a technical glitch, but the bottom line is that the crisis could have been avoided. Now I know I have to keep those receipts on hand until they clear from all my accounts.

#5, Mint only lets you split up your purchases to a certain degree...either that or I'm just dense. I wrote in to them a while back about how I'll go to Target and get mascara and face wipes AND bananans and crackers, so how do I categorize that? I can't really do five separate transactions, for baby items, household goods, groceries, cash back and "shopping"... So finally they added a "SPLIT" feature, but I've only been able to successfully use it once or twice. So not every dollar is really going toward food, necessarily, yet at the same token when I go to Target and categorize the same purchase as "Personal Care" instead of "Food and Dining," the reverse is true. Follow?

Anyways...all of this has served to give me an excuse to start my Mid Year's Resolution project!

Starting tomorrow, July 1st, I am going to be blogging about how it's going with our food budget, while trying to adhere basically to $100 a week, including eating out AND wine/beer (because I can't pull the money for that from anywhere else, and we really don't drink much anyways). I say 'basically' only because I really go by month, not by week, but perhaps thinking about it weekly will help me? I don't know. I need a lot of help in a lot of areas, I think, and although I don't want to bite off more than I can chew all at once, like every diet plan or exercise intention I've ever set out for myself, when I was reading Lisa's old posts today it made me realize that there ARE a lot of tips I can take advantage of. After all, they were eating REAL FOOD ONLY (!) on $125/week, for four people (two grown kids!), and only $20/week for eating out...if she can do that, I should be able to do this.

So these are some of the tips that I've come up with so far, although I do feel like I should clearly write out and post (on my fridge!) our "rules" (I do want to stick to my food rules as much as possible):

I need to get back to planning my meals in advance, WITH the sales ad in hand. This may be a little extra leg work because I also refuse to buy regular old hormone- and antibiotic-filled chicken, so I'll need to print out or read on line the Whole Foods flier to see if they're ever having a sale on chicken, but what does that take, two minutes? I need to make some time for myself to do this every night after the baby goes down, instead of crashing myself in bed with a book.
My milk delivery has GOT to be included in this budget. It's not being honest to take it out of my Bills and Utilities budget each month. And let's own up to the fact that no farm I called (and I called at least three) around here would tell me the somatic cell count of their cows, so I really have no idea if my milk delivery is any better than Dean's, which now also says they use no artificial growth hormone in their cows. (Okay, so their massive farms probably ARE less healthy and sanitary than my local dairy's — but I have been coming to terms with the fact that I may need to cancel for a while now, so much so that they actually gave me free delivery for three months when I tried to cancel last time!)
If I want to have money left over for eating out or the farmer's market each week, I need to break out the calculator function on my iPod WHILE in the grocery store and use it, or for those end-of-week trips when I really do only have a certain amount to spend. I don't want to see that stupid red bar on Mint ever again, or get another email telling me I've gone over budget. It drives me crazy!
Resist the urge to stock up. Just yesterday, I bought toilet paper, cleaning wipes and feminine products just because they were all on sale AND we had coupons for each item...but I didn't really need any of them. I have to fight this feeling inside of me that there won't be enough...there are always coupons for that kind of stuff, and besides, I'm not brand loyal most of the time. If Daddy helps me at the store I can research a bit more on prices and determine if stacking a coupon and a sale is actually still more expensive than going with X brand or trekking to X store. (I really hate going out for just one thing or to run only one errand, but food prices are the real issue here, and I need to keep that in mind.)
Check out the prices of frozen (organic) fruits and veggies. I usually only buy them if they're on sale anyways, but like this week, I don't want to end up ever again with potato chips and ice cream in the house just because they're on sale/I have coupons and suddenly be out of all fruits and vegetables other than old limes and flaccid celery. I do NOT want to compromise my standards if I don't have to...and the thrill of a deal does not outweigh the guilt that I inevitably feel when I fail at something like budgeting and taking care of my family. I've been through this before, and come hell or high water, I will beat my demons. (And no more using the excuse that my husband "needs" crackers/bread/potato chips/ice cream!)
I like the idea of having a "cheap week," which I also read about on Lisa's blog, when you stock up on staples like eggs, butter (both of which I'm out of), honey, flour and crackers. If I can get enough healthy dinners and produce one week — things that are hearty and will last or can be frozen — maybe I can do this. I'll try.
I need to check out other stores' organic sections, because people do say that "my" store is expensive. I still say it's not as expensive as Whole Foods or Dominick's, for example, but I know there are cheaper places out there, I just doubt their selection...time to really see if I'm right or not. Can't hurt. (Can you sense the reluctance in my voice? But I really need to face facts.)
Use what you've got. This helps in the planning stage. I've had a bag of orzo in my cabinet for months, and I never think to buy, say, zucchini and basil to make a yummy side dish, or chicken and sun-dried tomatoes for a main course to go with it. Time to build meals around what I have, not just what's on sale.
Only allow one "treat" per weekend. This could be a scone at Starbucks, a single-serving bag of Doritos from the checkout line at the grocery store, an ice cream cone at the Dairy Queen or whatever your little heart desires. I'm SO excited about this one. My son is getting old enough now that he wants everything we eat, and the few times I've picked up a 16-ounce bottle of Diet Coke and have had to constantly fend him off from wanting to drink some of it it's made me feel guilty. (And of course I only have a few sips anyways, so it's a waste of money!) I will allow us to finish off the "junk" we have in the house now (dry cereal and those darned potato chips and ice cream), but that's it — and by the way, Fiber One raisin bran cereal, which I bought for myself this week thinking it was the 'healthier' option has more sugar than Golden Grahams, which I bought for the baby to snack on. SHAME ON ME.
Try one new recipe a week (this should keep you readers happy!)

I know this may sound characteristically a little bit all over the place, but my hopes are many. Posting until I've mastered the task at hand may help me to be more honest about it, as I'm reporting back to you guys, and it may encourage me more to stick with a healthy diet because I do, after all, want to maintain a focus on diet and fitness, too! Lisa has proven that you CAN have it all (they didn't starve!), and although I'll be spending less, we're also feeding fewer people. Listing my recipes and what we eat, not just what we spend, will be a nice refresher, getting back to enjoying food and the present moment and NOT worrying so much about the size of my wallet or my waist. The bottom line is that I'm hoping to make this Mid Year's Resolution focused on two things: healthy affordable food and family. I am not giving myself a finish-by date for this project, because I have seen how long it can take to adjust and I've clearly noted my failures in the past, so I'm prepared for the worst but I expect the best.

As in other areas (my posts on Women Food and God, for example), I also think that writing about it helps me to get a better grip on things, where I stand, what the real problems are, and here, it's pretty straightforward: I need to stop spending more than my income, which doesn't even seem like it's possible, but that's what the charts tell me. (How that's possible without having credit card debt, I don't know!) We get by, but the goal is to continue doing so, being grateful for what we have, without feeling like we have to sacrifice — just by making smart changes.

I loved all of your tips and tricks on this topic in the past, so starting tomorrow, keep 'em coming. Thanks in advance!

Food budget woes solved?

2011-06-24T21:16:00.000-05:00

Before you stop reading what you probably presume is another whiny, unfocused post on how I can never come in under my food budget, I promise, this one is different. Because, although there are still six days left in the month, it's looking like I might actually come in under budget this time — I know, I'm cursing with pleasure, too!

You have no idea how hard this has been for me. But let's start with the why here. For the past two months, I've had to take money out of my savings account just to cover all my bases — bills, food, nanny, gas — although I didn't purchase anything extreme other than maybe going a little overboard for the baby's first birthday last month. (And by going overboard, I only mean overbuying things like Coke and Sprite as mixers, as well as some extra wine for the adults and of course the birthday gifts, although nothing extravagant. Still — he's only one once!) So the second time it happened, and when I reached a personal threshold, I said to Sergio, This has got to stop. This month (June), if I say we can't order pizza or you can't buy a pair of jeans, I mean it. This is serious. (I wear the pants when it comes to bill paying, and until recently he didn't even know what amount we had in our liquid savings account, with or without withdrawals.)

So I know I've mentioned before that I use Mint to track my daily spending, but apparently I was being too relaxed about it — okay, so I went over the Food and Dining budget...but I'm still under the Travel budget, so it all equals out, right? Well, no, not really...not when you are going to plan that vacation some time and all the money you've saved up there has already been allocated to broccoli and rubber bands, or when your checks cash at the end of the month for things like electricity and cable and all of a sudden you're over your ENTIRE budget. Oops.

I took the bull by the horns and decided that that little line that guides me each day, telling me if I'm already over where I should be for that date, would really and TRULY be my guide — and if it's the second of the month and I've already spent $60 on groceries on the first, well then, I can't spend any more on groceries until that little line has moved ahead of the curve again.

And what do you know? It worked.

I've already learned several lessons from just one month of true budgeting, and they're seriously valuable, so I'm excited to keep it going. What are those lessons, you ask? List time!

Starting with the basics: Read the dates on your coupons. I tried to use one today for $2, but it wasn't active until July. I was embarrassed, because the cashier was really rude about it — but really more so because I knew I'd made a rookie mistake.
Along the same lines, the cashier tried to explain to me that since I had actually ripped the date off the coupon in the first place, I wouldn't be able to use it when it was valid, either. Say what? Nowhere on that coupon does it say "Do not use if date is not present." I even called the corporate headquarters (once I got home!), and there's nothing in the coupon policy about dates, although they were reluctant to email me a copy (ie, they refused to) — so should I get turned down again, I have to email them and get a response in writing that as long as it scans, a missing date is not an issue. Bottom line? It pays to know the policies.
Moving on to the more cheesy part, but still interesting, I found that I've had a lot more quality time with the baby since I'm not rushing out every day just because we're out of bottled water, echinacea tea and storage bins. Don't get me wrong; either way we're together for most of the day, but I don't think quality time in Aisle 4 is quite the same as playing tickle monster on the dining room carpet. I'm already nostalgic about memories we just made together this week! Reading too much between the lines? Possibly. But I don't really believe in coincidences.
And in terms of frugality, I think it's also kind of good for my waistline — yes I also happen to be reading Geneen Roth's "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" at the same time, but let's face it: When there's no money left over in the budget for discretionary items like potato chips or Diet Coke, I'm not consuming either one. Diet by force? Maybe. But am I finally using up my frozen blueberries, green tea, brown sugar and honey? Yes! I am awesome.
It has also reminded me that, much as I'd love to go out and buy a new watch I really don't need, saving money kind of actually makes you feel like you HAVE money — because you do! You saved it instead of spending it! I'm sure I phrased it in a more catchy way in my head (saving money makes money?), but it feels good to save. I feel guilty when I spend. As much as it pains me to have to watch my wallet so carefully, it definitely feels better to know there's still money in the bank. It makes me feel smart, really, is what it does, and I've truly learned the meaning of "want versus need" — I don't need another journal to write in, or my special jam sweetened with fruit juice concentrate, or even that new hair dryer I've had my eye on since mine keeps fizzling out after just a few minutes of heat. Necessities are things like bread, fruit and main course items like eggs and Italian sausage. I'll have to wait until next month to pick up some eyeliner, and that's fine.
Also, as I have been using my jogging stroller more frequently (but noticed a huge lack in the running shorts/tee-shirt department of my dresser), for example, it's strangely satisfying to "save up" for something new or to get a really great deal on things, like three pairs of socks COMPLETELY FREE just from using coupons at Kohl's and JC Penny. Seriously! I was getting my wallet out assuming I'd have to pay at least, like, 10 cents or something, and the guy just laughed at me. "You can't tax 'free'!" he joked. Loves it!
All this saving also helps me re-evaluate why we're doing this in the first place. Yes, what probably caused the strain on my bank account included our recent vacation, but more than that, it's having a nanny. And as much as we got by before with me working later into the night and Daddy taking on a more centralized role as evening babysitter, it was super stressful. Eating dinner in front of the computer is one thing, but causing a strain on our relationship is a much bigger issue, and having a nanny has given us more time together to do things as a family every day. Happy wife, happy life — but really, happy Daddy, happy Family, happy Baby.

So clearly I'm still learning the ins and outs of eating on a budget (prepare to gasp in horror as I tell you that today I bought a box of white spaghetti AND two packs of hot dogs — nitrate and nitrite free, however!), but I'm working on it. And it also got me thinking (mentally adding another bullet point here) that, just like one of my recent posts on affirmations, maybe I really do need to master this before I master exercising "most days," or not eating bacon just because it's there, or, as I'm sure you'll read in an upcoming post on this book, recognizing that I'm eating the bacon just because it's there and being fine with that. Not trying to change it yet, just trying to be more aware. Because as much as I hate to admit it, I can't get out of my head the belief that if you're trying to be disciplined in one area (finance), it's impossible to exact the same amount of discipline in another area (diet). I wish I could just erase that from my memory, because I've also read that practicing discipline in one area (making your bed every day) can lead to discipline in another (not eating bacon just because it's there). But that isn't working for me yet, so I'm going to try this for now, because as I said, ain't no money in my pocket right now for Twix bars or donuts. It may turn out that tightening my wallet helps to slim and tighten my waist also, so let's hope I can stick with it, because there are some things I can't live without — real-food mochas, I'm talking to you!

Have a great weekend, guys. Thanks for listening!

30: The Year of... ?

2011-06-21T07:20:00.000-05:00

Every year for my birthday, I try to come up with a theme for the upcoming 365-day stretch that is to follow. It started when I was 24 or 25, I've no idea how, really, but I began to see things (at the beginning especially) through this sort of funnel of "the year of health," for example, "the year of Me," or "the year of love." (That might have been last year's, but I don't remember...it's been kind of a busy year!)

So this year, as I turn Dirty 30, or Flirty 30, or thirtysomething (I feel it is my duty to finally watch this old but well-loved series), I find myself wondering what this year will be about. What lies ahead for me? What more can I dedicate myself to? Spirituality? Adventure? Compassion? I have a couple months to think about it, but what really got me started on this train of thought was more superficial:

Now that I'm turning 30, does this mean I have to start thinking about wrinkles, anti-aging products, the fountain of youth?

It's kind of fun for me to think about that stuff, actually, because at this point I don't feel like I need it. So picking out an anti-wrinkle eye cream for my face is kind of like buying a carton of ice cream for a skinny girl. Who cares? Give me retinol, give me caffeinated gels, give me cucumber de-puff roller balls. (Envision me throwing up into the air in a sort of slow-motion, care-free way boxes and bottles, contraptions and tea bags.) I'll take your cream and I'll raise you a cold spoon. Hit me with your best shot. I never go out in the sun anyways. Come get me, world!

But seriously, maybe it is time to leave behind some of my childish habits and start to get a bit more, well, serious, about treating my body like a temple. Not to be morbid or overly dramatic, but if you think about it, at least one third of my life is probably over by now. Even if I do take after my father's side and live to be well past 90, this is the meat of my life. This coming era is the era of mini-vans, soccer moms, raising teenagers and sagging everything — unless I start taking control, and fast.

Hipocrates is noted for having said "Let food be thy medicine, and let thy medicine be food." There is nothing in there about watching Survivor, checking out your friend's facebook status or, for that matter, scrubbing the floors and folding the laundry. I was surprised this morning when preparing this post that as I typed "anti-aging" into the Google search bar, "anti-aging foods" was one of the first things to pop up. And although I could have immediately guessed fruits, vegetables, whole grains, fish and olive oil, I would have missed out on the other two things that, ironically, had so thrilled me when I saw the mediterranean food pyramid: red wine, and exercise!

So the moral of the story is nothing revolutionary or complex. Surprise, surprise; you don't necessarily need to spend $150 on a tiny little tub of face cream or (God forbid) make an appointment for Botox or a face (or butt or boob) lift. Let food be thy medicine, and let thy medicine be food. It's me here, again, giving you AND me just one more excuse as to why it's important to eliminate the bad stuff — pizza, ice cream, white bread, sugar — from your diet and insert good things (I love you, Martha!) — vegetables, fish, cardiovascular and weight-bearing exercise. Perhaps as I move into this new era I will finally master cooking fish at home, which I'm always disappointed with (it tastes so much better at a restaurant!). Perhaps I will keep up with my current exercise routine by planning all things ahead — when I have to use my mid-day work break time for errands and when I can use it for a jog or Nike training. Perhaps I will finally actually work yoga into my weekly schedule and find a comfortable and calming place for nightly meditation.

Going into it from this perspective of universal health and wellness makes all goals seem reachable — and necessary. It's never too late to turn back the clock; it's never to late to start taking care of yourself, or meet your high standards, or take a leap of faith. Trust me: the net will appear.

More on Women Food and God

2011-06-17T20:28:00.000-05:00

So I went through this book and dog-eared every page that had something on it that I had underlined previously that really spoke to me as I reviewed it a second time...and let's just say there are a LOT of pages folded down now. I thought I'd share with you some of my reactions to the author's insights in case you have a similar take on things.

A lot of her points lead you right back to you, which of course I love — the self-discovery aspect of things intrigues me even though sometimes I wonder if I don't even have time to fold the laundry, when will I have time to think about my convictions and beliefs? But, of course, thinking is something that you can do anywhere, any time. I think the key is to just take this list one at a time and focus on each point for a number of days or weeks, whenever you think of it, come back to it, until you feel like you've dug all the way to the bottom to find what applies to you in the statement and THEN move on to the next one. Be patient. This sort of self discovery and realization is not an overnight thing, although you may experience dreams or moments of clarity. Slow and steady wins the race.

I may have mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: "We are walking, talking expressions of our deepest convictions." What does Geneen mean by this? Well, that's really for you to figure out, for you alone. Think about your appearance, your home, your clothes, your relationships. How do you speak to your spouse at the end of a stressful day? Do you live in ratty old tee-shirts and pajama pants? Is your home one endless stack of papers after another? Think about what this kind of stuff says about how you view yourself and your worth.
"Allow [yourself] to feel the feelings of brokenness... [Your] resistance to the pain [is] worse than the pain." Emotional eaters, listen up. Sometimes I think the only way to avoid stress eating is to literally get out of the kitchen, get out of the house — and don't go to the nearest drive-thru. That may sound like my typical escape mechanism, but if you can go somewhere to breathe deeply and focus on what's bothering you instead of just tuning out, whether via food, TV or another vice, good. Feel the emotion, not the hunger. Remember that.
"Understanding the relationship with food is a direct path to coming home after a lifetime of being exiled. Perhaps that home is what God was always meant to be." This book is obviously about more than just food and dieting, and while I don't expect a non-religious person to necessarily be moved to belief by reading about chocolate cake and French fries, that last sentence comforts me. God as home. (And therefore by contrast, if this speaks to you, Food not as home.) Even if you don't dive into food as your comfort, it's still nice to feel comfort, peace and calm anyways. That has benefits that reach far beyond your waistline.
"Diets are [your] most flagrant attempts at fixing [yourself]." Well if that doesn't say it all right there, I don't know what does. Is your weight standing in your way? Do you avoid trips to the beach with your friends because it would mean being in a bathing suit? (Or do you go and not enjoy yourself because the whole time you're thinking about how she looks and how you look and how all the guys are looking at her, not you?) Let me be blunt: Screw that. Again, even if your issues aren't weight or eating or dieting, I know I've put up a million walls and excuses based on this other level of thinking that only involves fear, self-consciousness and low self-esteem that, even if I do go to the beach, or the party, or the meeting, am I really connecting with people? Or am I so locked up inside my own head that I might as well not be there in the first place? I, for one, am sick of that. Number one, diets will not fix your problems. Number two, diets will not fix "you." Number three, you don't need to be "fixed." You can deal with your problems, okay, but you yourself are not flawed or broken. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
"Can you remember a time, perhaps when you were very young, when life was as it was — just the fact that it was early morning or any old day in summer — and that was enough? When you were enough — not because of what you looked like or what you did, but just because everything was the way it was. Nothing was wrong. ... You were back to a fundamental feeling of positivity, of goodness just because you were alive. What if you could live that way now? And what if your relationship to food was the doorway?" It's kind of like my bike-riding analogy. There's a reason why a Google search of "Live in the Moment" comes up with 50 million results. 50 million! 50 million reasons why we should cast our worries aside (enter God again) and just enjoy the outdoor barbecue party or the pool day or the wedding. Don't let your preconceived notions put a damper on anything you do. Get rid of them. It is physically impossible to maintain them and live in the moment at the same time. This is not something you can do from one day to the next, but become more self aware. Notice when you're having a conversation with someone and all you can think about is whether you're nodding your head at the right times, listening enough, talking enough, should you smile? Just converse. Just go on a date. Just eat dinner. It shouldn't be as hard as it is.

I feel like I could have endless book club discussions about this book. I also just found out that she has several other books, so with any luck some day I'll be reading those, too. I find this stuff so interesting!

Assuming I won't write another post before Sunday, happy Father's Day to all the daddies out there. May your wives and kids make you feel the joy, love and appreciation you deserve, today and always.

There's no point in making comparisons

2011-06-10T07:03:00.000-05:00

You know that one of the things I always have to fight against is comparing myself to others, but it finally just dawned on me the other day how silly it is, comparing your life or your body or your attitude to that of someone else. So I decided to point out to myself WHY that's so silly — well, of course, because I'm so unique, amazing, and awesome (just like you are)! And what do unique and amazing awesome people do? They make lists about how cool and awesome they are so that they always have something to lean on when they forget why it's so important to be unique and different. None of us are the same, and thank God for that. Today I'm going to celebrate just a handful of the things that set me apart:

I live for my morning "real food mocha" and almond butter/Crofter's jam on Great Harvest honey whole wheat bread. Seriously. No other toast will do. And my morning is THIS MUCH BETTER when I have my GH bread. No contest. I even ate this for breakfast every day while we were in West Palm (with crappy white bread, but still). It starts my day off in a calm and comforting way.
I have a knack for learning and speaking other languages (and in my humble opinion, I do darn good accents, too, like the Brits and Southerners). I speak Spanish fluently, every day, and if I had people to practice with, I could also work on my French and Portuguese. I adore speaking other languages, and I'm much more emotional (sometimes vulgar, oops) when I'm not speaking in English. It's kind of like having an out-of-body experience. You feel compelled to say things you normally wouldn't in your native tongue.
I have no idea what my favorite color is, or my favorite food, favorite movie, favorite song...I could pick something out of a hat for you, but I'd be lying. Sometimes I just feel like I love everything. Blue, green, red; pasta? Who knows. Who cares? That doesn't have to be a part of my getting-to-know-me journey. I'm digging deeper.
I love cooking, baking and eating, but I don't think I could ever work in the "food" industry. Any sort of service industry like that that involves latex gloves and hairnets, just leave me out of it. I take so much after my parents in this sense. Bring the food to me, please. (And don't take me camping, either. I'd rather stay at The Plaza.)
It is virtually impossible for me to finish anything I serve myself to drink. I don't know what it is, but any bottle of water, coffee, juice or soda I touch will invariably be left somewhere around the house with anywhere from a sip to three quarters of it left untouched. I think we all just have different hydration needs, and if I ever really drank eight 8-oz glasses of water a day, I'd probably spend most of the day in the bathroom.

See? Kinda like those useless 20 Random Things posts you used to see on facebook all the time — except that celebrating these quirks, embracing your uniqueness, isn't useless. It reminds you who you are, that you're you, so what's the point in comparing the size of your ass to that of Selena Gomez? Unless you have an album coming out too, I wouldn't worry about it.

As my old buddy GP says in Great Expectations, "We are who we are. People don't change." And to a certain extent, I believe it. The core of me is unbreakable, unchanging, and good. The small stuff, like ass size and hair shininess, should change — if you want them to, if that's what makes you happy, for you. And no one else.

Smile! It's your day. Make it a good one.

Mean girls

2011-06-09T07:08:00.000-05:00

As I presumably come to the end of my vegetarian journey tomorrow, it got me thinking...is part of the reason why I've always been so intrigued by vegetarianism, veganism and dieting in general not just because of health and weight loss but also due to the way it provides a sense of belonging?

You see, this is another one of my issues, belonging. I'm sure we could all do this, but when I look back, from childhood to present day, I see many instances in my past of feeling like an outcast, feeling like I didn't or don't belong, and it's a theme that again pervades even to the present day, being shut out of Mommy groups, playgroups, friendships and get-togethers often for what feel like petty, nonsensical reasons. I'm not the mean girl. I'm the one they pick on. Whether it's because I have no problem spending time entertaining myself on my own, or if it's an issue of jealousy, or if it's just that natural drive we as women often have to take digs at others and make ourselves feel better I don't know — but I have been truly wondering these days if I just don't want to give up vegetarianism because it feels cool, nice to be part of a group, even though at the same time I'm making an outcast of myself — no one in my family is vegetarian. I'm always the one people have to be wary about at family gatherings in terms of allergies, diets and food rules. So just as I do it in other areas of my life, I'm recognizing something about myself that is true — there's no denying it — and yet I fight against it. It's me, again, telling myself it's a stupid idea, or a stupid habit, stupid me, assuming I'm going to be made fun of — or even just questioned — for the choices I make and caring — the worst part, really — about that question or comment. I can't not care. I have to care.

No. I have to learn not to care.

I take this whole "caring" thing way too far. If I had to describe myself, how would I? I would say that I'm caring, selfless, shy and a homebody, but also fun, funny, fun to be around and happy (I think? — looking at that first half of characteristics makes me wonder if it's possible that they could in any way, shape or form be found in the same person as the second half).

This is my stand on vegetarianism. No, I'm not doing it for the animals. Nah, I really couldn't care less about the health benefits, because I believe a balanced diet, everything in moderation, is fine. (But what's the deal with the "new" four food groups, anyways? I'm surprised the dairy industry isn't all up in arms.) I'm in, or I'm out. I have no idea what I am. Saying "mostly vegetarian" just sounds weak — yet that's how I was pretty much eating before this bootcamp anyways. And I recently read in a magazine that Jennifer Connelly, who I love, eats "a mostly vegetarian diet," including three Pink Lady apples a day. I would have never thought it was "okay" to throw around those terms so loosely — so as not to offend the "real" vegetarians — and I would never have previously assumed it was "okay" to eat three apples a day, either ("vary your fruit and vegetable intake, blah blah blah"!). But man, I love me a good Pink Lady or Honeycrisp in the fall.

My conclusion being this: No one can follow all of the diet rules out there strictly to a tee, for the rest of your life, forever and ever. Whether that means eating "just" a mostly vegetarian diet, apples instead of grapefruits and maybe more fruits than vegetables, I think the bottom line is this, and as you well know it's what I'm working toward: What's most important is feeling comfortable in your own skin. No one day is exactly like the next, and if I feel like I need a snack this morning but can get away with only one in the afternoon (I'm slowly destroying my afternoon hunger hour!), that's fine. It's great to have favorite foods — apples, broccoli, feta cheese, whatever. I don't think anyone would really eat fast food for every meal for the rest of their lives even if they swear they love hamburgers and French fries above all else — as witnessed in Fast Food Nation. So I need to eliminate my longing to belong — whether it's a playgroup or a clique or a group of people with dietary restrictions — and just do me.

I'm working on it. I promise.

Catching myself in the act

2011-06-08T20:20:00.000-05:00

Just in case you didn't read my post on How to Love Yourself, you may want to gloss through it before reading this post, otherwise some of this won't make sense.

I've been catching myself again today, thinking in old patterns, old ways, and having to force myself to turn my thinking around. Reminding myself of the following — that all decisions are MY decisions; I have to be accountable; I have to be responsible; and action creates more and more opportunities for self love, self reliance, self confidence and self esteem — seems to be helping. I've started losing weight again, I can't remember the last time I had a "bad day," and I am truly feeling blessed and lucky most of the time.

But when I think about the future — do I want more children? Can I go through that all over again? Of course I want a daughter. But I'm not guaranteed a daughter anyways. Will I be a good mom? Am I a good mom? I don't want to do this all over again and still work. I want to be a stay-at-home mom — all of these thoughts start creeping in. And that sounds more like worry, self doubt and criticism.

I think about my family. No one has a perfect family; this I know. But I find myself wanting to escape. And that's often how I deal with things. I fight with you; that's it, I never want to speak to you again (and sometimes I don't). I break up with you; that's it, I never want to speak to you again (and when I do, I feel like an idiot). I'm turning it around on myself again. I'm making what other people do and how other people act MY problem. MY fault. I feel stupid. And I shouldn't.

The knowledge and self awareness that I'm trying to work on clearly hasn't yet affected this part of me that always just wants to escape. I moved from Chicago to Miami. I moved back from Miami to Chicago. Who's to say that I'll be "happy" if I move back there again? Yet sometimes I want to escape from my family, shake any bad feelings off of me, when in all honesty I should be able to do that here, in Tahiti, or in Japan. It rests on me. It falls to me. I have to take the high road. The HAPPY road. There are people both here AND there who I need to learn to deal with no matter what — and actually, usually that means doing this, fixing the way I think, not fixing them. It's a weird juxtaposition, this changing my thinking without getting down on myself for thinking a certain way in the first place.

I suppose it's natural to feel all of these feelings of nervousness and self doubt when contemplating a major life decision like having a baby and/or moving to a new city, but I think the key is to stop those feelings from paralyzing you — which is actually kind of how I feel about diet and exercise right now: stuck.

I got my jogging stroller. It's all put together, all set up, sitting in my garage.

I got the Nike GPS running app per a recommendation from a friend. I did the tutorial, can't wait to hear Tracy Jordan's voice and yet I haven't used it once.

Instead, now I'm using my free time to make progress in this other area of my life — packing up the contents of one desk so that we can get rid of it, convert my office to a fourth bedroom, get the house ready to sell it one day, whenever that may be — and so this other area is left stagnant, untouched, lonely. And I do this all the time. Trying to save money, too, leaves me feeling like I wish I had 18 hands and 72 hours in each day. I want things to move more quickly, and yet I can't even keep up as it is. (Which sounds interesting to me. Will have to come back to that idea at a later date.)

I haven't cooked from a recipe in I don't know how long. Our weeks go something like this now: Salad, panini, pasta, bean griddlecakes, takeout. Pasta, salad, panini, bean griddlecakes, takeout. Salad, pasta..... — you get the drift. Another area where I'm having to step aside and let the budget finally speak for itself. But it pains me so!

I guess what I need to realize is that it's okay. It's okay to not be able to replace our busted fridge in the basement until we finish paying off the dishwasher. It's okay to choose dropping off donations at the Target blue boxes instead of walking in 84-degree heat in the morning, if that's what I really want to do. It's okay to sometimes not be able to juggle everything I want to do at the same time. Things come and go like this in cycles — in April I barely missed a workout. I'll get back on the wagon eventually. I just need to remember what's important — and that means both physical AND mental health. Sometimes maybe I do just need to feel more accomplished in one area one day compared to the other area last month. I wish I could do all and be all, but I can't. And you know what? I think those who say they can and are are either lying or their lack of sleep will come back to bite them in the end! God bless them anyways.

This is good for me, writing about this kind of stuff. I know most of it is largely off topic, but starting another blog would just be silly at this point. I do what I can. I'll post about my ventures back into non-vegetarianism soon enough (maybe tomorrow, in fact). That should appease any haters.

See? Look at me, trying to serve my public. Automatically assuming there are haters. Shouldn't even be a word in my vocabulary!

Meal planning

2011-06-07T07:08:00.000-05:00

You know how I love making lists. I have notebooks filled with them, notebooks waiting to be filled with them, I save them, I get so happy when I can finally toss them, I consolidate them, and I loathe them for staring back at me with so much to do on them. Yet as organized as I can be, as much as I love to plan ahead, plan meals, shop once and use coupons, to this day I still have not found a single website, app or tool that lets me do all of that at once.

So I'd like to create one myself.

This is what I envision: A place you can go (a website, to start, followed by an app available for both Android- and Mac-based platforms) to check what's on sale at your local grocery stores each week, which you can also sub-sort according to the number of people you're cooking for, any dietary restrictions (gluten-free, vegetarian, egg-free, et cetera) and how much you hope to spend.

From there, you will have access to a list, organized by store and cost, of what's locally available to you to purchase for main courses, desserts, sides, et cetera. Not only that, links will also be provided so that you can print any corresponding store or manufacturer coupons (or we'll direct you to the newspaper where you can clip them from, like the Coupon Mom's site), and you can print your list or email it to your smartphone for electronic completion.

Now here comes the best part: Once you've chosen the main courses or side dishes you want to cook that week according to price and availability, you'll also unlock a world of recipes that correspond to the main ingredients, still within your dietary restriction, if applicable.

Wouldn't that be amazing? You'd have a quick, cheap, healthy way to plan, shop and cook all week long — in one place — because I'd do all the work for you. I'd tell you what to buy, where, when and with what coupons, and then I'd tell you just how to cook it, complete with nutrition information, portion sizes and how to store and freeze leftovers, if possible.

Now, I know I'm going out on a limb here publishing this genius idea on the web without a web developer, copyright, designer, et cetera, but really — I'm stirring the pot. I'm putting the energy out there. I have no idea where I could possibly start to figure out how to do this, how much it would cost me, who I'd need to manage the site, how I'd get local stores involved, how I'd expand nationally, et cetera. It's just an idea, a little bud of an idea that may never see water or fertilizer — but it can't hurt to put it out there. Or, maybe it can, and someone will steal my idea, or maybe it already exists (I so knew the Eat This, Not That people needed an app way before it ever came out) and this door will be closed — yet I'm certain if that's the case that another would open.

So what do you think? Do you like my idea? Does it sound quick, fun and easy to you? Would you like some no-cook options, like a healthier side than mashed potatoes to pair with your rotisserie chicken from the deli? Would you like weekly newsletters on foods that are in season, or how to avoid overbuying? I almost feel like I'm putting this out there because without anyone else's input, this is sure to go nowhere...which means I still have some learning to do from Sunday's post. But that's fine. I can make progress when the time is right. And I will! But do please let me know if you like the idea, if you already use something similar or if it all sounds too high tech for your taste. After all, if no one on a food website wants a food tool, no one else out there is going to want it either! Plus, if I don't write it down, I'll probably forget it, like a handful of my other genius ideas that come to me when I'm half asleep or in the shower.

If you like that idea, I have a few more...so don't go away. Necessity is the mother of all invention.

How to Love Yourself

2011-06-05T09:44:00.000-05:00

So, I briefly mentioned yesterday the intense break-down someone gave me about food, appetite and cravings. Let me tell you again — in a sense it seems like the same thing I've heard a thousand times, but for some reason, this time it sounded different.

We were talking about how I think too much about what other people think, how other people are going to react, what they're going to say, when it comes to everything from what I wear to what I eat to what I weigh. And that, of course, relates to my self-esteem, confidence and how I feel in my own skin. Constantly seeking the approval of others kind of means that you don't care about your own approval, or you think it's worth nothing.

I started to talk about how I wasn't always this way — in high school and college, for example, I had my friends, we did whatever we wanted, we ate whatever we wanted, and I didn't have to think about bills, mortgages, heck, I didn't even think about health, nutrition, exercise, any of that, until I discovered bridal magazines and diet and fitness magazines in the checkout lines at the supermarket.

So somehow, I equate all of this — growing up quickly, suddenly graduating college, being on my own, getting a "real" job, getting married, all of it happening at once — with...losing my self-confidence? Losing that carefree feeling? I guess a part of me feels like that's when it started, yes, but that's another blog post. The point now is not why I lost it, but that I lost it — and, more importantly, how to get it back.

I asked this person about what we've been talking about lately on the blog — everyone says you need to love yourself, accept yourself as you are, before you can ever hope to have any success in things like love, career, weight loss — and that my question became How? How does one begin to love oneself, or to discover that love again? I'm not one to stand in front of a mirror and tell myself I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me! Which is good, because what struck me yesterday was being told this: It's not about smiling at your reflection or giving yourself a hug every morning. You can tell yourself a thousand times a day that you love yourself, but self love doesn't come through words.

It comes through actions.

You see, sometimes I have trouble making decisions — should we put the baby down for a nap now, or hope he naps in the car? Should we make dinner, or order out? Should I go to bed and read, or stay up and clean? And on the flip side, sometimes no decision is thought out or made at all — the Pop Tart goes in my mouth, because it's there, and then I feel guilty about it. I think I can't make the decision to not eat it. I have no power, no choice. No decision to make.

So in both types of instances — drawing a blank or making snap decisions without even thinking about it — my actions aren't coming from a place of confidence or self-esteem. And that needs to change.

How?

By stopping, thinking, and making those decisions consciously.

By knowing that, success or failure, the outcome is my responsibility.

By being accountable.

By giving people permission to say no.

By understanding that what other people think, say or do has no reflection on my character. If someone is rude, insulting or thinks without speaking, that's a reflection of their character, their lack of class. It doesn't mean I'm stupid, and it shouldn't make me feel bad.

It sounds easy and obvious, but this person then suggested that I take note of every time during the day that I'm about to do something through the eyes of another person — how should I phrase this so it sounds best to X person? are they looking at me? he doesn't like this song, I'll change the music, even though I like this song — that I take note and instead do what I want. It's my decision. Each decision builds confidence and self-esteem, because it's finally something I did — success, or failure — and in two days, it seemed like I had to catch myself a million times!

And you know what? It feels already like it's making a big difference. I came home feeling happy, breezy, confident and self-assured.

When you've been acting a certain way or doing a certain thing — whether it's smoking, turning to sweets when you're stressed, or getting other people to do things for you — for an extended period of time, for years, really, it's hard to break that habit. And while other people don't smoke, or don't have a food addiction, or don't understand why you can't just make that phone call yourself, you get it. You have that problem, and it's your problem, or your past, or your bad habit. So who cares what other people think? This is a huge, amazing, breakthrough wake-up call for you. It's your time. It's your day to change it.

Maybe this post won't make you think twice about anything. Maybe you still need to hear the same message 10 more times before it rings true, or you need to hear something else, or you need to hear it from the mouth of a different person. But I think it's a cumulative effect, too. So if this helps you change in any way, for the better; if you're thinking about this post and how it relates to you in some small, minute way during the next couple days or weeks, let me know.

For now, make the decision to have a great day. Make good choices; make choices you stand by even if you fail. But I don't think you will. When you follow your heart, when you do what's true and reasonable for you, you can't go wrong. When one door closes, another opens.

To close, check out this great screen shot from The Happiness Project Toolbox Inspiration Board. This is THE place to go when you need inspiration, all 300+ pages of it. Check it out!

My Food Rules

2011-06-04T10:19:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone!

We've talked a lot on here about Michael Pollan's Food Rules and the 100 Days of Real Food, both of which basically advocate the same thing: no artificial sweeteners; whole grains, whole foods/fruits/vegetables; et cetera. But I think it's also important to give a little leniency to the "rules" (and I probably do so too often), while at the same time I have more of my own rules to add because of allergies and my husband's preferences — which is why I decided to come up with my own list. Here it is!

Do not purchase for consumption anything with sugar, brown sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, brown rice syrup, agave syrup, etc. The only acceptable everyday sweeteners are maple syrup, fruit juice concentrate (found in special jams and jellies) and honey; anything with sugar should be saved for a special occasion, and even then in moderation. [I say "Do not purchase for consumption" because I am well aware that when I eat out at a restaurant, if I have a sandwich, there's probably sugar in the bread. I often try to order things like salads or appetizers and veggie sides, especially now with my vegetarian challenge, but sometimes I order something I can share with the baby instead — which to me, for one meal, is more important! Excuse? You be the judge!] So yes, there are no cookies in my cupboard, there is no ice cream in my freezer, there is no chocolate syrup in my fridge. Wow! That's an accomplishment for me, even if only temporary.
Do not purchase for consumption any bread, tortillas or crackers that are not made with 100% whole grain. I am the whole grain police in my family. You will not see white bread in my house, and many weekends we drive about 15 minutes to the "local" Great Harvest, where I can get my five-ingredient Honey Whole Wheat loaf (now in a round size also for paninis!). Triscuits are now our cracker of choice, and Whole Foods has whole-wheat tortillas with five ingredients. Although I tried waffles (not whole wheat) once for the baby, we typically do not buy them and I haven't found a five-ingredient-or-less brand, although I haven't really looked. I'm sure Whole Foods or the health-food freezer section of my local market has SOMETHING.
Which leads me to...yes, only purchase pre-packaged foods if they have five ingredients or less! This can be shocking at first, because almost everything you pick up has a list longer than the US Constitution, but once you start becoming a label detective, it's addictive. I often find myself reaching for nuts or cheese as a snack, especially if we're at a family gathering, because you can guarantee that the crackers served don't follow those guidelines, the fruit dip has sugar and I'm allergic to the corn in tortilla chips. (I'm no angel, though. Which leads me to one of my particular, more specific rules...)
Do not purchase for consumption anything that contains corn, soy, walnuts, peas, peanuts or shellfish. I'm not severely allergic, but allergies are cumulative — if my "sink" should overflow one day, I could go into anaphylactic shock — and yet because nothing happens now, I eat the occasional tortilla chip. I had a peanut butter cookie a few months ago. (What is wrong with me? I need to stop doing this. Seriously, self-sabotage at its greatest.) So I have to keep it out of the house, stay away from it; I even try to stay away from things that just say they were processed in a factory that also processes peanut products or whatever. (And usually those things have more than five ingredients anyways, but I really need to start applying this to the snacks I buy for the baby, too, because invariably I sneak a few bites, and they all add up!)
Buy organic when it counts, when you can. In terms of milk, we actually get it delivered from a local dairy, and even with the delivery fee it's cheaper than organic cartons at the store. In terms of fruit and vegetables, I do like to buy from my local farmer's market when it's open, even though most of the produce isn't organic, but my Whole Foods trips are rare, it's expensive, and I only buy things that are on sale AND organic or the safer conventional items when they're on sale, like pineapple. But you will not see me buying conventional strawberries at the store, for example. I'd rather not pay for something pesticide-laden that comes from halfway across the country — two thumbs down.
This rule is rather unfortunate, but because of my husband's gastritis I can't cook with garlic. I can sometimes toss a dash of garlic powder into tomato sauce, but garlic is off limits, as are onions. (I can use onions to flavor soups and sauces, but they have to be removed before he eats it.) It's hard, because so many recipes use these key ingredients as flavor bases. And because I like to cook rather simple, straightforward recipes — let the good, wholesome, organic ingredients speak for themselves — I have to turn down some recipes before I even try them out, just because without the garlic and onions they'd basically be, for example, lentils, bay, and water. But such is life! And there are plenty of recipes to go around.

Speaking of which, as long as I continue to do well sticking to my budget this month (and we're only four days in, so that's a big assumption!), I'll try to share some of the recipes I try out for summer coming up. I also had an amazing hour-long conversation with someone yesterday who shared some amazing insights into eating and appetite control that I'm hoping to remember and wrap up for you tomorrow. If only I'd had a tape recorder! Some lessons you wish you could replicate over and over for eternity. It doesn't matter if the message is the same, but sometimes, it just finally sounds right.

That may seem like a rather short list of rules, but I find that a lot of Michael's can easily fit into the five-ingredient rule — don't eat anything with ingredients a third grader can't pronounce (which usually wouldn't be included in something with only five ingredients), don't eat anything your great-grandmother wouldn't recognize (same), don't eat anything with ingredients you wouldn't cook with yourself — you get my point. And somehow, although I don't list it as a hard-and-fast rule, I've almost completely eliminated any sort of "dessert" from my work-week diet, which is a miracle, so that knocks out the "seconds and sweets only on Saturdays and Sundays" rule (I'm not one to eat seconds of anything, ever). Note I left out snacks — I cannot go without an afternoon snack on weekdays, although it's usually a real-food mocha and a piece of toast with almond butter and jam, sweetened only with fruit juice. I'm working REALLY hard right now to limit it to that, because my danger hour between that time and dinner otherwise can lead to handfuls of Cheerios, crackers, soda, whatever might be lingering around in the house.

I'll let you know if I think of anything else. Talk to you soon!

Exploring Women Food and God

2011-06-02T20:34:00.000-05:00

From what I gather, the theme of this book, which seems pretty tremendous and all-encompassing, is based on the following quote:

"What we believe about food and eating is an exquisite reflection of all our beliefs."

To me, that sounds huge and unbelievable. I mean, the title of the book itself had me scratching my head, but obviously I picked it up, read it cover to cover and am now examining it more in depth so SOMETHING is drawing me in. I just can't wrap my head around it all.

The author writes how after she stopped years and years of serious yo-yo dieting, she too didn't quite understand the connection, but she began relating the lens through which she saw almost everything to her relationship with food.

I'm trying so hard to understand all of this, and I think it starts on page 14, when the author admits to her difficulty trusting herself around food, which eventually led her to contemplate "trusting less tangible hungers" — for rest, contact, meaning in life, et cetera.

Okay, I'm sorry, but I'm still not getting it. How do you trust a less tangible hunger? Why should you trust a less tangible hunger? To know that it's OK to want things and not get them? (Like you know you want that chocolate cake, but it's OK that you're not going to eat it?)

She goes on to say the following:

"If I tracked the impulse to eat when I wasn't hungry to its core, I'd find every single thing I believed about loving, living, and dying right there, in that moment."

But she doesn't explain quickly enough for me what exactly she believed, so that I can find out if I believe the same things, so that I can determine if she's right or if this whole book is a sham! What did she believe? That she would never experience enough love to fix the lack of love she felt growing up? That she would never be able to live the life she really, truly, secretly wanted to live? That we're all going to die anyways, so we might as well eat cake?

That can't be it. Can it? Do I take my childhood issues, my daddy issues, my ISSUES, to the fridge every time I stop in front of it?

If each of us truly has a basic view of reality and God that we cast out every day in our relationships with family members, friends and food, I need to figure out what mine is, asap. Right? What I've been saying all along? It's not the destination, it's the journey that counts?

Leads me to think of a picture I stumbled across today:

I kind of like the idea behind it — I think it's true, to a degree, and it meshes quite well with another quote I've been trying to track down all day, about how we if we spend our days trying to be what we want to become, we end up becoming what it is we want to be (or something like that...). In a sense, there is no finding of oneself. It's the creation, the act, the moments, the choices. And if I bring my relationship with my mom into everything, or what other people think, or my fear of falling, then I guess I'm not really living freely...without casting a glare on things, without going into anything and everything with preconceived notions.

Am I beginning to understand all of this mumbo-jumbo? I still think some of it's a little drastic, a stretch, but maybe that's because I'm not willing to give in yet. We're always learning. I'm on the path. Gaining confidence one day at a time. Thank you for coming on this journey with me.

If you like the artwork above, do check out this site, Positively Present, which has beautiful expressions of art and quotations, or the Happiness Project inspiration boards. I spent hours on both sites today. Not a very productive day otherwise!